Friday, November 9, 2012
Well somehow time has escaped me and it has been 3 weeks since I last managed to tickle the old keyboard and bang out an entry. As I predicted in my last entry, real life has gotten in the way of my creativity and I havent found a moment to think, let alone write about what is happening in my life. So I figured I would let you all know how things have been for me.
I am now 3 weeks into my new job and it has gone well...I think. I am still there aren´t I! It definitely hasn´t been a soft and gently re-entry back into the working world. I think I started sprinting from the start and haven´t really slowed down since. There have been full days with no time for lunch or to write an email to a friend. There have been days when I have came home in the dark and felt dizzy from all the new information buzzing in my head. There have been days when I needed to lie on the couch for a break before managing to make it to the dinner table. But there have been some really amazing moments too. I was so scared of this big leap and leaving behind the security provided by my cancer blanket. I wondered whether I could do it and if my brain could still work. Thankfully much of my worry was unfounded. Being back in the working world feels good. I feel more like myself again - the old me. Though it is thorougly exhausting, this whole work thing has had a hugely normalising effect on. I go actual entire days when I don´t speak or think about cancer at all. And when I walk through those doors every morning, I shrug off the cancer coat because in there no one knows my story. They only know what they see and thankfully my cancer is not visible to the human eye. I often wonder if people notice my chest (though I am very masterful with scarves) but i doubt it. My frame kinda goes with a flat chest so I make it work for me. And my hair, which is going through a horrific growth phase and resembles a mullet with severe frizz, just looks like a girl trying to grow out a bad cut. And we have all been there haven´t we ladies! I think the fact I can´t bring cancer up or talk about anything pertaining to it at work (not because I can´t but because I choose not to), makes it less of a part of my life now. I feel more like I wont ever have cancer again as it just isn´t possible to imagine and I definitely didnt feel that way a few months ago. I was consumed by cancer and the fear of it. It isn´t to say that I don´t have moments when I want to scream to people throwing work and demands my way from every angle - "Give me a break - I had cancer!" Because I do have those moments but I get over them. I actually need to stand on my own to feet and not rely on the cancer card. The funniest thing was this week when I was on a business trip dragging my luggage around - I got angry because no one was offering to help and my chest was killing me. I was so used to people offering to help do this or carry that because they knew about my fragile condition. But now I am apparently a strong and independent woman who can carry her own crap around! Maybe some things I will miss. :)
So it is all on the up for me. I think this whole working thing is a great thing for me. Sure it is challenging and probably a bit too much too soon, but I am making it work and feeling more like myself with every day and that feels... fantastic.