The Long Road Back

This may be a new record - days short of a full month without an entry! I think after my last one which was so massive and epic, I needed time to let it all sink in and process. Hearing that news was such a shock and signalled the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Both my husband and I took some time out  to adjust to the news as we had both prepared for such a very different outcome. No one wants to hear bad things but when you think something is going one way, it can rattle you to hear something else. That is one of the many things I have learned from my waltz with cancer - it totally fucks with your head and makes you react the opposite of normal. You can feel slightly lost because suddenly you actually need to get on with your life. No more pauses or stops, I have to pick up the pieces of my life again and start rebuilding the foundation  brick by brick.It can be scary too - cancer can also be comforting in a weird way because of the routine nature of it and the lack of expectations. When you have cancer, people expect very little of you and let´s face it - people are extra nice to you and put very few demands on you, and that can be quite nice. Now that everyone knew that I was cancer free did my cancer safety net disappear like all those cancer cells did? I know and all those cancer survivors know that my journey to recovery is still far from over and just because the cancer is gone, the person I was before may never return fully. The treatments I have been through, two rounds so close together, ravages your body and my doctors have said I may never be the same again. We don´t know but I know the limitations my body still has and I worry that others will quickly forget that the healthier and better I look. I hate myself alittle as I read that last sentence back because it sounds so weak and cowardly. Like I am already making excuses and still living through my cancer even though I dont have it anymore. A very dear old friend perhaps put my thoughts to words best when she wrote this to me last month before we even knew everything was okay:

"Know that when that scan comes back clear, only then will you allow yourself to move past the "girl with cancer" phase of your life behind and be who you are now. But you don´t have to entirely leave her behind as she´s made you who you are today...Nor do you have to leave behind all your friends, support team and other methods of support that have gotten you through this phase. As the next phase of life develops, other support systems will come into your life and the cancer ones will fall further and further back into the periphery. You don´t have to automatically be completely without them. Right now you can´t imagine life without them as they have been your life. But just look at how well you´ve adapted to and thrived in all other phases of your life. New phases brought new wonders into your life. The only reason you dont know who you will be when that scan come sback clear is because you haven´t allowed yourself to dream it yet. But know that you will know what to do and who you want to be. You will walk down that road and it will be more than interesting enough to keep us all reading. "

She really captured it all so perfectly and so eloquently. Just some of the many reasons why I love her.

After nearly a month, the dust has settled and I am allowing myself to be more excited about the future. I cannot tell you the joy I took in walking into work and telling everyone (with 100% honesty) that I was cancer free. It felt good and I felt like I could finally allow myself to rebuild that part of my life without worry for the tomorrows. When I told my daughter that mommy was better and that she wouldnt be going to the hospital too often from now on, I felt genuinely relieved. I had bought myself more time - time where I didn´t need to worry about whether I would be here for her. And spending time in Canada with my family was just priceless. The best trip I had perhaps ever had back.  It had been years since we had all been together (well before the cancer crap hit) and it was so fitting that the first time we were all reunited, we were also able to celebrate my remission. Many glasses were raised - despite my taking about 2 hours to finish a single glass! Oh how times have changed. :) I could see the relief in my family´s eyes especially my mom´s who I think was so terrified by how ill I was the last time she saw me. Of course she never showed her fear to me but I knew it was there. I am her baby and she is my mother - no mother should see her baby suffer. And my Cancierge - he is happy with the news but also adjusting to a new normal. I think we often forget how affected others are by the cancer experience and he has been my loyal partner in crime through it all though rarely showing his stripes. He never had to tell me because I knew how scared he was of losing me. Thankfully I hope we have many many years left together to make up for the last few years of hell.

I know this is one hurdle overcome in a long, long race and that we are still very far from the finish line. However it is a noted victory that I will never ever forget. Cancer is far too greedy and takes far too many good people so any opportunity to get one over on it, is a victory in my eyes. I just wish so many others had been given the same chance as I am to live again. Cancer is ruthless and wicked. But I wont forget how the odds were stacked against us, the numbers  were not good and no one knew how this would play out - yet we still won. I think this just might have restored my faith in things actually working out. It ain´t all bad.

Hugs,

OBB  

When mommy got sick

Hello everyone,

It is me OBB. It has been a tough start to the week for me - caught some crappy flu over weekend that totally knocked me out. There is nothing worse then being stuck in bed before you actually have to be "stuck in bed" for a month. I was so frustrated and was furiously trying to still get all my work done. That plan obviously went to the pits.  I think my oncologist put it best when she called me yesterday after checking me out earlier in the day for any dangerous infections and said "Are you okay? Ok I know you are okay but are you really okay?" Hmmm... tough question. I am functioning - I wake up every day, do the same thing, I find things to laugh and smile about every day and I feel like hope is alive and well. So yes I guess I am okay but I am oh so tired and my body is just breaking down.  And I could think of about a million other things I would rather do then get bones removed and replaced with metal. So I had to listen to my body and finished work today in order to focus on getting myself healthy and ready for this surgery which is now days away. Tomorrow we go in for a full day of pre op tests and meetings with my medical team. I might actually be given some clue as to this whole mysterious procedure that I know so little about which will help us plan the next 4 weeks of our lives much better. And did I tell you that Captain AC (my mom) will be coming over to join in the rehab party!  So now I will look forward to a weekend to rest - get a pedicure, be with my husband and daughter and enjoy my mobility before the real work begins on Monday.

Something that has been weighing on my mind alot since my last entry has concerned my daughter. I have written alot about her and how central she has been to my attitude towards this whole cancer experience. She makes me suck it up and just be what she needs most - her mommy. And I succeed in being that...most of the time. The last time we went through cancer, she had just turned one and we didnt even think about informing her about any of it. It wasn´t relevant to her nor could she understand. Of course she noticed differences in her mother and what I could do for her but it just isn´t the same as now. She knows I am different from other mommies now and that I have pain. She gets distressed when I can´t get out of bed or I have to go to the doctors. And she takes her toy medical kit out alittle too often to give me a routine physical. But at the age of three do I really want to introduce her to the horrific word that is cancer? I feel like it is too early and that it might just be scary. One of my earliest childhood memories of sadness was when I was about the same age and I woke up early one morning to find everyone in the house crying. My grandmother had died of a heartattack the night before and everyone was grieving her. With my limited understanding of the revolving door that is life, I just started to cry along with everyone else because I didn´t know what else to do. I didn´t understand it. So I feel that maybe it is too much to tell her what is happening in great depth. I will tell her that mama needs to have an operation to fix her ouchy and wont be able to pick her up for awhile but that it doesnt change how much I love her. I just want to be there for her at the end of the day and she wants to be with me in any way she can. I guess I will need to find the little things that we can share while I recover like Eskimo kisses, puzzles on the bed and watching Tinkerbell together. I often think about her, years on, reading this blog herself. Seeing first hand the trials we went through as a family and also how she was the ray of joy and hope for me through the darkest days. So I guess I have my answer - I want to maintain her innocence just abit longer. It is a cold hard world out there and I dont want to expose her to it any earlier then I need to.

I thought it was fitting to put in an excerpt from the book "The Year of the Pale Sunflower" by Silvia Roncaglia and Cristiana Cerretti. This book was written by two breast cancer patients who were also moms, to help children deal with their parents becoming ill. One of my surgeons brought this book back for me from the European Breast Cancer Conference last year and I recommend it to anyone facing a similar experience. Facing cancer with young children is a different experience all together - you need different strategies and ways of explaining things. But in the end we all want and need the same thing - for our families to stay the same - intact and together.

"That´s it," Mum explains, "nothing really belongs to us. You are my children because I brought you into the world, but you belong neither to me nor to Daddy; you belong to life, which is much bigger then we are. And Daddy and I, we too belong to life, just like the sunflowers, the moles, the bees and the birds...like everything. And this life, so vast and mysterious, turns in cycles; there is a time to plant and a time to harvest, a time for summer and a time for winter, for the flower to bloom and the mole to eat its roots. There´s a place for a different, pale sunflower too. And there´s a time for sickness and a time for health. "

Right now we are experiencing our time of sickness but the clouds will eventually clear and the sun will shine again and the flowers will bloom. And just like that - a new chapter begins for us.

OBB

The Enemy Returns

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt


Well it has been one week since the big news hit. One week since my world went from being normal back to being a "patient" again. It has been a difficult adjustement and I am generally on the verge of going insane or fighting the urge to smash plates against the wall one by one. Despite the fact that I am still only 2 weeks post op, the whole recovery thing has faded into the background when we found out the bitch was back and had to go into battle mode again. But the reality is that I am in pain, I am tired, I am irritated and I am afraid. Not the best combination for anyone really. I normally have a knack for bouncing back from setbacks and almost always find that extra reserve of energy to get through the tougher parts of the day. However I just don´t seem to be "bouncing back" from this. My emotions go from shock, sadness, anxiety and usually end up somewhere aroundthe crazy angry mode. And you better believe that I am furious at this situation. It is so unfair and unjust. I think I am a pretty nice person who tries her best to do the right thing. But that is the thing about cancer. It doesnt care who you are - it just attacks indiscriminately. So here I am a few weeks shy of my two year cancerversary, waiting to find out my fate again. I honestly can´t believe it some days that one of my greatest fears actually came true. The cancer came back. How did the statistics fairy screw me over again? I was working so hard to get my life back on track and be normal again and it was working which makes the sting of this relapse even sharper. I have often gone to sleep in a terrible mood, medicating myself into a false sense of peace and waking in the morning thinking it all was just a bad dream. But then it hits me - no this is my reality and in some ways I relieve the shock of it with each day. Maybe in some ways I just don´t quite believe it yet. I just want to unzip myself from body and take a break from all of this but it is impossible. I feel trapped at times and can´t escape this beast. And god do I feel helpless knowing my body is attacking itself under my skin. I continually wonder what are my cells doing? And why do they keep going all rogue on me?

Now I ask all of you not to misinterpret my words as defeat. There is no way in hell I would ever give up and I absolutely know that I can and will be healthy and cancer free again. But please understand that if I come across as negative or upset in this post, it is also just a completely normal reaction to an entirely shit situation. It is temporary and it will pass. Because if you know me well, you know most of the time I am captain bloody positivity and look for the good in even the darkest of moments. I will find my light again. But give me some time to get angry.

In terms of the battle plan, well that is still unclear. The circumstances of my relapse are weird which pretty much ties in with my whole cancer history. Nothing has really ever been normal about my cancer. But the good thing is that there is hope. It is at a stage where we can still eradicate it. That is the greatest comfort I can take away from this whole mess. I will take this thing down so hard it wont know what hit it. I will have the right to grow old with wrinkles and grey hair with my husband at my side. I will watch my daughter grow up - go to school, get married and maybe one start her own family. I will be there. And please everyone remember what a priviledge it is to grow old and never fear or take it for granted.

We will know more in the next few days but it looks like surgery is the best option at this point. We need to get everything out that poses a risk. I can´t say the thought of a massive operation only a few weeks after my last sounds pleasant at all however there is no choice. I have to do this even if I am afraid. Chemo will be a last resort option as I only finished my last treatment alittle over a year ago and it hasn´t proven to be that effective in a situation like mine. I am not complaining though as chemo is something I dread. I told my doctor on the phone yesterday, "I can´t do it again. I can´t lose my hair...myself." So for right now, we are essentially sitting in the waiting room - waiting to hear what my team thinks is the best and safest solution to proceed with. It will happen fast and there probably will be little time to process it before I have to dive in headfirst. It is moments like these that I find it tough to be positive, I am fighting cancer a second time in my already too short life and it seems hard to find a silver lining to that predicament. But in true OBB style, I will find something that will help me get through this bump in the road. All of you cheering me on helps immensely so thank you again for supporting Team OBB. I may end up crawling but I will get to that finish line again and hold my arms up in triumph. I know my story is far from over and there is far too much living left in this body. So I will again pick up my sword and reluctantly head back into battle and fight my stubborn enemy to submission. I just don´t do losing.

OBB