The Black hole

It has again taken me much longer then intended between entries. So here I am over a week past my second trip to the C-Spa and starting to rejoin the land of the living again. How did it all go? Well it was different then the first. It all started out abit silly when we shipped our daughter off Thursday to her grandparents, I took the anti nausea pills and we headed to the hospital ready for the second torture session. The mental preparation required for these types of events is massive so you can imagine my upset when they told us that I was not actually getting any chemo today and it was only tests and dr talks. However this anti climax was quickly flipped into something good when we decided to head out for sushi and enjoy an evening at home without kids.

Knowing more about what was coming this time removed some of the anxiety over the what ifs but I was still so afraid of things going wrong. I worry that my port isn´t working properly and the toxic poison will spread through my body. I worry that I will react to some medication and start having anaphalactic fits. I worry about what other side effects could show up (tinnitis is one of those terrors). Such a bloody catastrophiser I am! But I am happy to report that everything went according to plan. My bloodwork was actually really good and everything seems to be going as well as can be expected. I actually felt pretty good the first two days and thought maybe my luck had changed. But the reality fairy unfortunately showed up Monday and things started to get really tough. Not only was the physical toll of this so awful, the emotional toll started to weigh down heavily on me. I am a chemo veteran and have been through this before but this seems so much harder then the last time. I remember feeling bad for about 3 or 4 days and then bouncing back but this time...It never ever feels like I get back to much of anything. There is of course improvement and today I am testament to that in the things I can do today that I couldn´t do a few days ago. But I had a breakdown day. Wednesday. The weather was crap. I had a headache like I do most days during treatment. There was a major nausea party going on in the tummy and my body just had nothing. The smallest thing took any energy I had and I spent the entire day on the couch drifting in and out of sleep. This feeling of just having nothing is new to me and it feels downright crap. I am a young woman and I should not be feeling like this. I have always had the little reserve of energy to get me through. Not this time. And to make matters worse, the hair has started to fall out. Everything came crashing down on me and it was just too much. I was on my own which doesnt help and I was just was so angry. This is a struggle like none I have experienced before and it feels like every treatment digs me deeper and deeper into this hole. So as you can see it was a tough week for OBB.

But there is always light in the darkest of moments and it came to me in a variety of forms.

I received a hand knit quilt in the post this week, organised by my fellow cancer blogger and all around super hero, Anniken Rokseth veientilbakeigjen.blog.  Every patch on it was knit by someone different across Norway and it was put together for the sole purpose of providing comfort to a cancer patient. In this case it was me which was amazing but also kind of different for me. I have never been on the receiving end of charity before. I am happy to report that I used it for every single one of my naps this week (and there were many). For more info on this project check out Ull og om tanke

I came home from the acupuncturist on Thursday to a beautiful bouquet of flowers that brightened my day and my living room.

My daughter got sent a huge box full of the most wonderful Princess and Fairy inspired outfits to suitably distract her for a few days!

When I wrote a depressing status update on Facebook at the height of my black hole of despair moment, my army rose to the challenge and went into battle mode. I am not going to lie - I needed some sympathy and boy did I get it. I received messages from around the world at once. One friend told me she was going to clean my house and bring groceries next week, another brought soups and sauces to stock my freezer and another organised a food surprise to lighten the load on my husband. Because let´s face it - if he doesn´t cook, we starve in this house. So many people were happy to drop everything and be here for me in whatever way they could. Many of you have sent amazing care packages to me that make a bad day frankly amazing. I just find it amazing how you can become so isolated by illness but the world of blogging and facebook allows you to still feel part of something and in the company of others. And I am amazed by how many awesome friends I have in this world. You guys are really tops and I am so fortunate to have you on my team. I continue to be blown away on a daily basis by the kindness and generosity of you all.You spoil me, my daughter and my husband!

I am off shortly to the hairdresser and will be cutting the hair short. No buzz cut yet but I need to take some of the power back and stop watching these strands falls all over the place. What will be will be...

Love to you all! Thank you for helping me back from the dark side. xxx

The Phoenix Rises...

I had the strangest and most real sensation happen in my hospital room last Friday night. I was in and out of a very heavy deep sleep after having been given my first toxic dose at the C-Spa. As the poison reached from head to toe and thumb to pinkie, I lay there trying to make sense of the port in my chest. Of the pain in my shoulder. Of the fear and anxiety over when the sickness would hit. I hated every moment of it and I was so scared. However in the stillness and darkness of my sterile room that stank of cancer and sterile products, I felt some peace. I can´t quite describe it in ways that make sense to everyone but they made sense to me. I felt three soft caresses on the top of my head and three gentle kisses on the same spot. In that moment there was no fear around me and I knew in my heart who it was. Who would have been there by my bedside if he could of to protect me? Who was there most of my life to shield me from pain and suffering? It was my daddy of course. Maybe it was the drugs or maybe it was him, just letting me know how in his own gentle manner that he was there.

It is six days since I had chemo and it is only today that I can bring myself to write anything. It was mostly due to the horrific state of health I was in but also the fact that I just couldnt write the words nor relive the experience until today. It was honestly all too nauseating to do before especially when I was feeling so frickin awful. No OBB didnt catch a break on this round either! Fuck the universe! I find it hard to say whether it was worse then the last because they are both so different but both suck unfortunately and my body said NO! After 3 days in the hospital and a blood transfusion later (yes I can now add that to my list of medical procedures), I was struggling and literally didnt have any energy to function. And the nausea? Oh god I fucking hate nausea so much and nothing would rid me of it. Apparently anti emitic drugs have not advanced enough to shield poor OBB´s gentle stomach from the tsunami that hit me this past weekend. When my doctor texted me Monday asking how I was doing, I replied - "Awful - how much longer till I get some relief?" To which he replied - 3 -4 days! I just about collapsed in a heap at that moment. I just couldnt take any more of it and that seemed like an eternity to my weather worn stomach lining. But that is the thing with round 1 - it is the beginning. There is much much more to do and there isn´t anything you can do about it. Being so ill and unproductive makes me so scared because it is like a bitter and twisted taster of what could happen. What your life could become and I want no part in it. It breaks my heart into a million pieces just thinking about it really.

So how did team OBB fare? My husband was great and was there every step of the way in the hospital for all the scary moments and never flinched. Maybe once when I got the very Twilight inspired bags of blood? And my daughter coped as kids do and adapted to the changes. But today I noticed a change in her as I could finally interact and be with her today. In response, she didn´t want to leave my side and asked me to do every puzzle in her box or to come here and there with her. When I asked if she was happy that mama wasn´t so sick today, she said "Mama I am so happy you feel better" and she wrapped her little arms so tight around my neck, patting my back three times and planting kisses on my head. Feeling her so in love with her mother, with me, makes me dig deeper and want to fight that much harder. I have to do it for her. I have to wrestle all the demons that come with the C-Spa and just do it. She needs me. My husband needs me. My family. My friends. I need them too.

So I am just waiting for my appetite for Ben and Jerry´s to return before I know I am fully recovered! I will look after myself and get the antibac gel out as the immune system starts dipping now and try to put round 2 as far from my mind as I can for right now. When it comes, I will be as ready as I can be and everyone will be there with and for me - ushering me to the finish line...again.
Love,

OBB

PS: I have been in a virtual "incommunicado" mode since last week so don´t take any of my silence - emails, sms, phone, skype personally. Mom - that is you included! :) xxxx