Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. Author Unknown
Well I made it through yesterday’s appointment and I do not have anything bad to report!
Today I woke up and felt strange. Almost like it was the first day of the start of a new life for me and to be honest it was slightly unsettling. Much of what I wrote about in my previous post ties in with this as I now have a whole six months where I don/t have any tests, doctors appointments, operations, or procedures. It seems like a very long time indeed and it makes me realise that my time as a cancer patient is well and truly over. That should be an extremely amazing thing to realise but it also scares me. It means a new life must begin and I have to stop living and breathing the Big C and start building a life away from it. It means getting stronger, it means becoming more independent, it means finding a job – it means standing on my own two feet. I was thinking this morning about a time years from now when I will probably hardly ever talk about this moment in my life. It was so weird to think that there will be a point when the memories fade and it won’t be who I am anymore. It will be a nice point to reach but when something has infiltrated every element of my life (not to mention my cells), it seems strange to imagine it not being so big anymore. Times of transition always make us unsettled or unhinged in some ways. This is definitely a time for transition for me.
So yesterday’s events were less dramatic then I had imagined. As I have been in quite alot of pain the last few days from the operation, I made a stop on the surgical ward first for a check up. Earlier a I was heading down the road to the hospital, I suddenly felt my eyes stinging and I took a few deep breathes in order to keep the tears in. Why this sudden emotional reaction? Probably the day ahead of me but also I couldn’t help but remember a year before when I had gone to have a surgical wound checked out on my own and then suddenly was told I had cancer. Maybe my biopsy results are already in. Can I tell them I don’t want to know anything today? Once you have been traumatised it is hard to not think the same will happen again. Well all my worries were unnecessary as we didn’t discuss anything but my pain which was normal and to be expected. When the nurse whom I have known since my first surgery asked how I was doing – the gates to the dam burst and the tears flowed. I told her how tired I was of being in pain, how tired I was of everything. She was so comforting and told me she knew I had a great mom so she could be like a grandmother to me. She understood how hard it was for me being so far from my family and friends. So after a cold splash of water to my face, I pulled myself together as any superhero would and with a hug I was off to my next appointment.
I passed a doctor in the hallway who remarked on how great my hair looked. I remember her well – she was the one who suspected I had metastasis in my back when I had had some back pain in September. Thankfully I didn’t but she made damn well sure I would never forget her face!
It was a very busy day in C-Town and there was hardly a seat to sit in and wait. I then met my husband which was nice as I needed a familiar face amidst the sea of faces laden with pain, exhaustion, and worry. Cancer centres can be incredibly depressing places. Then I saw my dear oncologist and his sidekick who I have a very good dialogue with and knows how deeply terrified I am. She told me she would come to the appointment to make me feel at ease as I told her I often go into autopilot whenever I see my own doctor and never manage to ask the questions I want out of sheer terror. Not this time – she knew my agenda. My doctor had also been briefed as he smiled and opened with a joke. We talked through all my points and found answers to most of them. Now I don’t usually go into any scientific detail on this blog but I will this time. I think I mentioned that I take a pill every day and will do for the next 5 years which is designed to be an extra line of defence against a cancer recurrence. Normally women with my type of cancer (triple negative cancer which tests negative for all hormone receptors and Her2) have only chemotherapy and radiation as options for treatment. TNBC accounts for something like 15-20% of all breast cancers and tends to present in younger women and is known for being quite aggressive. What we would call an overachiever in the cancer world. Anyways for some reason my weird body showed that my cancer was predominantly TNBC but then had a small hormone element which was rare but qualified me to take the hormone therapy. Now we are finding out that in these cases the results can often be false positives which means I could be taking a pill with crappy side effects for five years with no added benefit. Not cool! So they will dig up that old tumour and see what else we can decipher. In a weird way I hope I am able to continue taking the drug as I will take whatever extra protection I can get against this beast!
So we talked about pain. What is a pain worth calling about? How do you tell what is a sore muscle and what is deadly cancer? No easy answer there folks. Better to run it by them then not was their advice. This will be a hard one for me as I don’t want to be the crazy lady who calls for everything but I also don’t want to miss something serious. And I already suspect every pain I have to be cancer anyways!
Next on the agenda was the PET scan. They would like me to get one in the next 6 months which is a big deal. A PET scan is the most in depth method of detecting cancer. If there is a cancer cell in your body, this machine will find it. It will also find all sorts of other things that could be cancer but most often aren’t. Hence the high levels of anxiety that goes along with it. It really is a double edged sword – in one way you could get a ton of relief if everything is okay whereas on the other hand you could find out something horrific. And I just don’t think I can take anything horrific anytime soon. So I will think about it and figure out when the right time for me to do this is. I think right now myself and my family need 6 months where we can just be a family who does normal things and whose life doesn’t revolve around cancer. My husband and I often think - wouldn’t it be nice to have an overnight babysitter because we actually were going to do something fun as a couple and not because I was bedbound from chemo or recovering from surgery! So now is the time to do that.
So after a physical and some blood tests, my doctor shook my hand and handed me my next appointment for September. Yes September!! For the first time, I felt like he believed in me. Like maybe there wasn’t so much to be afraid of. Like maybe everything really will be alright. And that felt good.
I don’t know how this blog will evolve with the end of my main treatment for cancer having ended. I guess like the next few months, we will just have to see where the wind takes me. I am setting sail on another journey yet this time the weather doesn’t appear so stormy and I hear sunshine is expected.
Thank you for being with me the last 12 months and I hope you will stay on for the next ride.
Hugs,
0BB
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Drifting between worlds
Well my dear friend has just left and I am sitting here feeling quite reflective. I was fortunate enough to have someone, who I have known since we were babies, with me this week and it was the best medicine for me. She came laden with goodies and spent the week cooking and cleaning for me. But more important then any eggplant parmigiana or flour-less chocolate cake were the talks. We talked a lot. About everything. Sometimes I don’t realize how much I miss the people who have known me and I have a history with until I spend a good few days with them again. It is so easy, natural and effortless. There is such a comfort in it and at a time like this it helps me stay sane.
Through our intense and even intellectual discussions, we talked a lot about how I have grown increasingly afraid in the last few months. Afraid of all sorts of things like break-ins, gypsy pickpockets, natural disasters, medical emergencies, anything bad happening to my family….I could go on and on. I have spoken about much of this before but it has become increasingly worse and almost like an obsession for me. I wanted to understand why I felt this way and now I think I do.
I have been a confident and strong woman for most of my life and also been through my share of ups and downs. I went to 6 different schools during elementary and secondary school (not an easy thing to do) and managed to make friends wherever I went. I spent a good portion of my earlier life willingly waking up at 5am most days while my peers pressed their snooze buttons to jump into an icy pool to swim up and down a thousand times. I also decided at the age of 24 to throw my life upside down and follow a dream to move to Europe. I can be quite fearless and gutsy at times. I rarely look back and when I want something I go for it with a fierce determinism.
But these days I sometimes don’t even recognize myself. I have moments of such self doubt and weakness, moments where I don’t quite know my function or identity and moments when I am just plain afraid. I am afraid of so many things because I feel so vulnerable. I used to be independent but now after being sick I experienced being weak and requiring nonstop care and help. I am so fortunate to have had such a wonderful support system around me to get through this but at the same time having experienced this vulnerability and facing my own mortality, I don’t feel as brave or self assured as I used to be. I mean if something happened how could I do this on my own? The thought makes my blood run cold. And as I have learnt – no one can predict the future and you can be utterly blind-sided by life. I so hope nothing else happens and I am able to slowly start to build my life back up again. This will include finding my new identity which I am still unsure of what it will be. It is hard right now as I am not a full time cancer patient anymore nor am I am full time stay at home mother. I don’t have a job to go to each day nor do I have the energy to seek one out yet. I am between worlds and desperately want to find me again and stand on my own two feet abit more. I also don’t want to be afraid and I want to live as if I won’t ever get cancer again. What other way should there be right?
I know I need to be patient with myself and that I can’t change everything overnight. Little steps day by day as I begin to carve out a new me. Acknowledging progress, any amount, will be essential to not feeling defeated or more vulnerable. I also think being realistic will be important in trying to achieve this. I can’t do this overnight, or even over a few weeks, this will be a new lifetime project for me. But I am committed to getting there because that is the type of person I am. The type of person who tackles a challenge and comes out of it - a better, stronger version of myself.
In other news - I will be having a big appointment on Tuesday morning which has also been weighing on my mind. In the cancer world, our checkups are synonymous with worry and anxiety. Depending on your diagnosis and time post treatment, these can vary from every 3 months to 1 year. This is the first big one for me – the one year post diagnosis check up. I am not totally sure what they will do but they will test my blood for any biomarkers (signs of tumours), feel my glands and investigate any areas of pain. Perhaps scans if required. You so want everything to be okay because after going through it all once you just cannot imagine or mentally handle hearing or living through it all over again. So please send happy thoughts my way Tuesday and I look forward to writing about how well things go.
Happy Easter everyone! Eat lots of chocolate.
0BB (My new name is now the number zeroBB as it is much more fitting for me post surgery but also stays true to the original. I would like to thank a regular reader of this blog for her creative suggestion.)
Through our intense and even intellectual discussions, we talked a lot about how I have grown increasingly afraid in the last few months. Afraid of all sorts of things like break-ins, gypsy pickpockets, natural disasters, medical emergencies, anything bad happening to my family….I could go on and on. I have spoken about much of this before but it has become increasingly worse and almost like an obsession for me. I wanted to understand why I felt this way and now I think I do.
I have been a confident and strong woman for most of my life and also been through my share of ups and downs. I went to 6 different schools during elementary and secondary school (not an easy thing to do) and managed to make friends wherever I went. I spent a good portion of my earlier life willingly waking up at 5am most days while my peers pressed their snooze buttons to jump into an icy pool to swim up and down a thousand times. I also decided at the age of 24 to throw my life upside down and follow a dream to move to Europe. I can be quite fearless and gutsy at times. I rarely look back and when I want something I go for it with a fierce determinism.
But these days I sometimes don’t even recognize myself. I have moments of such self doubt and weakness, moments where I don’t quite know my function or identity and moments when I am just plain afraid. I am afraid of so many things because I feel so vulnerable. I used to be independent but now after being sick I experienced being weak and requiring nonstop care and help. I am so fortunate to have had such a wonderful support system around me to get through this but at the same time having experienced this vulnerability and facing my own mortality, I don’t feel as brave or self assured as I used to be. I mean if something happened how could I do this on my own? The thought makes my blood run cold. And as I have learnt – no one can predict the future and you can be utterly blind-sided by life. I so hope nothing else happens and I am able to slowly start to build my life back up again. This will include finding my new identity which I am still unsure of what it will be. It is hard right now as I am not a full time cancer patient anymore nor am I am full time stay at home mother. I don’t have a job to go to each day nor do I have the energy to seek one out yet. I am between worlds and desperately want to find me again and stand on my own two feet abit more. I also don’t want to be afraid and I want to live as if I won’t ever get cancer again. What other way should there be right?
I know I need to be patient with myself and that I can’t change everything overnight. Little steps day by day as I begin to carve out a new me. Acknowledging progress, any amount, will be essential to not feeling defeated or more vulnerable. I also think being realistic will be important in trying to achieve this. I can’t do this overnight, or even over a few weeks, this will be a new lifetime project for me. But I am committed to getting there because that is the type of person I am. The type of person who tackles a challenge and comes out of it - a better, stronger version of myself.
In other news - I will be having a big appointment on Tuesday morning which has also been weighing on my mind. In the cancer world, our checkups are synonymous with worry and anxiety. Depending on your diagnosis and time post treatment, these can vary from every 3 months to 1 year. This is the first big one for me – the one year post diagnosis check up. I am not totally sure what they will do but they will test my blood for any biomarkers (signs of tumours), feel my glands and investigate any areas of pain. Perhaps scans if required. You so want everything to be okay because after going through it all once you just cannot imagine or mentally handle hearing or living through it all over again. So please send happy thoughts my way Tuesday and I look forward to writing about how well things go.
Happy Easter everyone! Eat lots of chocolate.
0BB (My new name is now the number zeroBB as it is much more fitting for me post surgery but also stays true to the original. I would like to thank a regular reader of this blog for her creative suggestion.)
Monday, April 2, 2012
The Paper Anniversary
It is my first wedding anniversary today and in true OBB style, our day involved a visit to the hospital and an extremely "high ick" factor post op procedure that is still making me quesy. But you got to do what you got to do right? So while I have been recuperating, I have had lots of time to think about the last year and our first year of wedded bliss! In my opinion I think we have opted to start with the hardest year of marriage now and things will just get easier for us from hereon. One can hope...
I have always been a romantic and was the girl who wrote endless poems about unrequited love, would get swept up holiday romances and really believed in fairytales. That is why it is so interesting that this girl who grew up thinking about the ring, the dress and the party ended up getting married with none of these things. We didnt even have a proper proposal which I think made my husband¨s job that much easier. It was the day we found out about "it" and we were lying in bed that night absorbing the days events. It was then that we jointly decided that we wanted to go through this journey as husband and wife. There was no ultimatum, there was no bended knee or a violin playing in the background but boy did that decision come from a whole lotta of love. We had already lived our vows in a way before we even became married - through sickness and health. Words to live by in our case. So in between my diagnosis and my scheduled surgery, we planned a wedding. I think we managed to plan the whole thing in 10 days. And you know what? It was perfect. Of course given our tight timeframe and my insistence that I be married "whole", it made it hard for everyone to be there but their absense didnt make us forget them or the importance they had on our lives.
One of the nicest things about our special day was that every single person there (minus children) got up and gave a speech. A speech about us as a couple and us as individuals because everyone there loved and knew us both. The sheer intimacy of the event paralleled the intensity of the earlier events that brought us to that day. And I could not have picked a better partner to be by my side. When I think of all the boys I have dated, I have wondered how they would have reacted to my news had I been with them. I mean not everyone can handle this kind of stuff so young and I dont blame those who cant. But rest assured I now know that my partner in life must be fairly adept at weathering the ocasional storm. And my husband is the best captain I know. From his calmness to his recognition of his own sense of vulnerability, he has been there for me. He has fed me, cared for me, listened to me, held me and most improtantly loved me through it all. It cant be easy for someone to watch the person they love go through some truly horrific things all in the name of trying to stay alive. To have to watch and not be able to take the pain away. I can imagine that this past year was very hard for him but I am still in awe at the way in which he managed it all and tried so hard to be the strong one. That is what being a partner is about - as he says "most of it is just showing up and being there." So I guess he stayed true to his word because I never felt alone. And I cant think of anyone else who could make a woman with no hair or eyebrows and a mangled body still feel like she is the most beautiful woman in the world. You make me feel like that every day my dear. For that I love you.
OBB
I have always been a romantic and was the girl who wrote endless poems about unrequited love, would get swept up holiday romances and really believed in fairytales. That is why it is so interesting that this girl who grew up thinking about the ring, the dress and the party ended up getting married with none of these things. We didnt even have a proper proposal which I think made my husband¨s job that much easier. It was the day we found out about "it" and we were lying in bed that night absorbing the days events. It was then that we jointly decided that we wanted to go through this journey as husband and wife. There was no ultimatum, there was no bended knee or a violin playing in the background but boy did that decision come from a whole lotta of love. We had already lived our vows in a way before we even became married - through sickness and health. Words to live by in our case. So in between my diagnosis and my scheduled surgery, we planned a wedding. I think we managed to plan the whole thing in 10 days. And you know what? It was perfect. Of course given our tight timeframe and my insistence that I be married "whole", it made it hard for everyone to be there but their absense didnt make us forget them or the importance they had on our lives.
One of the nicest things about our special day was that every single person there (minus children) got up and gave a speech. A speech about us as a couple and us as individuals because everyone there loved and knew us both. The sheer intimacy of the event paralleled the intensity of the earlier events that brought us to that day. And I could not have picked a better partner to be by my side. When I think of all the boys I have dated, I have wondered how they would have reacted to my news had I been with them. I mean not everyone can handle this kind of stuff so young and I dont blame those who cant. But rest assured I now know that my partner in life must be fairly adept at weathering the ocasional storm. And my husband is the best captain I know. From his calmness to his recognition of his own sense of vulnerability, he has been there for me. He has fed me, cared for me, listened to me, held me and most improtantly loved me through it all. It cant be easy for someone to watch the person they love go through some truly horrific things all in the name of trying to stay alive. To have to watch and not be able to take the pain away. I can imagine that this past year was very hard for him but I am still in awe at the way in which he managed it all and tried so hard to be the strong one. That is what being a partner is about - as he says "most of it is just showing up and being there." So I guess he stayed true to his word because I never felt alone. And I cant think of anyone else who could make a woman with no hair or eyebrows and a mangled body still feel like she is the most beautiful woman in the world. You make me feel like that every day my dear. For that I love you.
OBB
Thursday, March 29, 2012
From OBB to NoBB
Just a quick post op check in with everyone. So here is how yesterday played out.
Alarm was set for 7:00am but my nerves and a garbage truck woke me at 5:45am! Nice start. After some yoga, I felt oddly calm and relaxed while we prepared to head out the door. Knowing our little monkey was tucked away at her grandparents having an absolute ball and most likely eating ice cream for breakfast helped ease our worries. We then headed the 10 mins down the road to the hospital and made our way to the Day Surgery Unit. Having been there twice before, I knew the ropes and what was the come. It was so nice to see the three same nurses who had looked after me the two previous operations. They greeted me like old friends and it instantly put me at ease. They said it was great to see me but that they didnt like that they had to see me under these circustmances to which I couldnt agree with more.
Next up was changing into the highly attractive hospital outfits and a final goodbye to my old leftie friend in the mirror. Then waiting...lots of waiting. I was starving and nauseous at the same time which was a fun combination. I signed off the deeds to my boob in the name of research and had my pre consult with my surgeon. It was so nice to have someone I knew talk to me as my previous surgeon had been alittle too direct for my liking. Of course this surgery was much more straightforward and they assured me that the recovery would be much better.
Finally it was time to go in. Deep breath!! I walked in and there was a handful of green clad people running around in green masks prepping. It is always so bright in the operating suite - almost like a sports stadium at night. I of course briefed the anaesthetic nurse about my IV anxiety but she brushed my worries off. As I lay there and they fiddled and missed my vein (great start), just like the last time - the enormity of the situation hit me. As did the tears. I started crying but in that way where you are trying so hard to stop. A nurse came up to me and asked if they could do anything for me. My answer "No I will be ok but please lets start as soon as we can." I took one more glance downwards at what would no longer be there when I was awake. Oh the sacrifices we make to stay alive!
I remember having a very vivid dream about my daughter and then quite literally being pulled out of my narcosis back to reality. I was back in the recovery room and it was over. I could immediately feel the absense on my left side and that something was missing. I had truly gone from OBB to NBB. The nice thing was that I felt much better then the previous surgery which was a nice surprise. I was fussed over by my husband and the nurses which was nice and we chatted through most of the afternoon. They also made sure I was in the least amount of pain possible and didnt skimp on the painkillers!
Now I did have a special visitor towards the end of the day which touched both my husband and I. One of the breast surgeons I first met in February (we both couldnt believe our paths hadnt crossed before as I was quite well know on the breast and endochrine surgical floor!), had been taking special care of me. She always took as much time as I needed to explain everything, she called me personally as soon as she got test results and she genuinely seemed to care about me and my situation. She was originally going to do my surgery but had a last minute switch due to a course she had to attend. Well this surgeon (and we know how busy surgeons are) took time to come from her course to visit me in recovery to make sure I was okay. She also brought with her a gift she had brought back for me from the European Breast Cancer Conference in Vienna the following week. I had spoken to her about my concerns over how to eventually explain to my daughter about the whole cancer bit and she clearly remembered this. She had brought me a childrens book written by 6 women who had had breast cancer that helped children understand the situation. I was so touched as was my husband. This is definitely going above and beyond and it made us feel so special. Now I dont know whether this would happen in many other countries where healthcare is much more like a business. I feel so lucky to have met and been looked after by some truly amazing people. They are the ones who have the power to make you feel safe, ease your worries and just be there when things are rough. And for that I am eternally grateful.
So in terms of my recovery, today I am more fragile then yesterday as the local anaesthetic wears off and most things are challenging for me. I am already impatient though and just want to be myself again. So in the meantime I will entertain myself with trashy tv and the Daily Mail gossip section.
Thank you again for all your phone calls, emails, texts and facebook messages. I read them all and appreciate the support from around the world.
So I have officially transitioned from OBB to NoBB but I am of course still me - though perhaps a little lighter!
PS: If you havent already checked out Aprils issue of Foreldre og Barn please do as there is a wonderful article about my cancer story. It is only available for print in Norway and is written in Norwegian so google translate will be needed for most of you! I hope to scan a copy here for those who dont have access to it.
Alarm was set for 7:00am but my nerves and a garbage truck woke me at 5:45am! Nice start. After some yoga, I felt oddly calm and relaxed while we prepared to head out the door. Knowing our little monkey was tucked away at her grandparents having an absolute ball and most likely eating ice cream for breakfast helped ease our worries. We then headed the 10 mins down the road to the hospital and made our way to the Day Surgery Unit. Having been there twice before, I knew the ropes and what was the come. It was so nice to see the three same nurses who had looked after me the two previous operations. They greeted me like old friends and it instantly put me at ease. They said it was great to see me but that they didnt like that they had to see me under these circustmances to which I couldnt agree with more.
Next up was changing into the highly attractive hospital outfits and a final goodbye to my old leftie friend in the mirror. Then waiting...lots of waiting. I was starving and nauseous at the same time which was a fun combination. I signed off the deeds to my boob in the name of research and had my pre consult with my surgeon. It was so nice to have someone I knew talk to me as my previous surgeon had been alittle too direct for my liking. Of course this surgery was much more straightforward and they assured me that the recovery would be much better.
Finally it was time to go in. Deep breath!! I walked in and there was a handful of green clad people running around in green masks prepping. It is always so bright in the operating suite - almost like a sports stadium at night. I of course briefed the anaesthetic nurse about my IV anxiety but she brushed my worries off. As I lay there and they fiddled and missed my vein (great start), just like the last time - the enormity of the situation hit me. As did the tears. I started crying but in that way where you are trying so hard to stop. A nurse came up to me and asked if they could do anything for me. My answer "No I will be ok but please lets start as soon as we can." I took one more glance downwards at what would no longer be there when I was awake. Oh the sacrifices we make to stay alive!
I remember having a very vivid dream about my daughter and then quite literally being pulled out of my narcosis back to reality. I was back in the recovery room and it was over. I could immediately feel the absense on my left side and that something was missing. I had truly gone from OBB to NBB. The nice thing was that I felt much better then the previous surgery which was a nice surprise. I was fussed over by my husband and the nurses which was nice and we chatted through most of the afternoon. They also made sure I was in the least amount of pain possible and didnt skimp on the painkillers!
Now I did have a special visitor towards the end of the day which touched both my husband and I. One of the breast surgeons I first met in February (we both couldnt believe our paths hadnt crossed before as I was quite well know on the breast and endochrine surgical floor!), had been taking special care of me. She always took as much time as I needed to explain everything, she called me personally as soon as she got test results and she genuinely seemed to care about me and my situation. She was originally going to do my surgery but had a last minute switch due to a course she had to attend. Well this surgeon (and we know how busy surgeons are) took time to come from her course to visit me in recovery to make sure I was okay. She also brought with her a gift she had brought back for me from the European Breast Cancer Conference in Vienna the following week. I had spoken to her about my concerns over how to eventually explain to my daughter about the whole cancer bit and she clearly remembered this. She had brought me a childrens book written by 6 women who had had breast cancer that helped children understand the situation. I was so touched as was my husband. This is definitely going above and beyond and it made us feel so special. Now I dont know whether this would happen in many other countries where healthcare is much more like a business. I feel so lucky to have met and been looked after by some truly amazing people. They are the ones who have the power to make you feel safe, ease your worries and just be there when things are rough. And for that I am eternally grateful.
So in terms of my recovery, today I am more fragile then yesterday as the local anaesthetic wears off and most things are challenging for me. I am already impatient though and just want to be myself again. So in the meantime I will entertain myself with trashy tv and the Daily Mail gossip section.
Thank you again for all your phone calls, emails, texts and facebook messages. I read them all and appreciate the support from around the world.
So I have officially transitioned from OBB to NoBB but I am of course still me - though perhaps a little lighter!
PS: If you havent already checked out Aprils issue of Foreldre og Barn please do as there is a wonderful article about my cancer story. It is only available for print in Norway and is written in Norwegian so google translate will be needed for most of you! I hope to scan a copy here for those who dont have access to it.
Friday, March 23, 2012
My Mommy Has No Boobies
"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." Anonymous quotes
I have started and stopped a number of blog ideas this week and have had trouble settling on just one coherent train of thought. I am tired this week and my body is hurting which is never a good thing. Like I have written a hundred times before – pain signals concern, pain could be my evil nemesis knocking on my door again – no pain is ever nothing. But I do hope mine is nothing and I am instituting the 2 week rule. If it hurts for more than 2 weeks then it is worth a look see. For now I need to just relax.
My blog is inspired partly from a devoted blog reader and person I have known since I was a tiny little person. She wrote me an email following last week’s post and told me about a memory she had of me as a child. I won’t go into exhaustive embarrassing detail as it is a personal story but it was about a time she was babysitting me and my toddler curiosity prompted me to make quite a funny and direct remark about a certain body part of hers. Yes we are talking about the boobs people. When do I not really? My life is defined by those two lumps of fat these days. Well it got me thinking about how smart and observant children are. They rarely miss a trick and often tell it like it is or how they see it. My own daughter has become increasing interested in her own body parts and others people too. She is talking about them and pointing them out – in the privacy of our home of course! I realized that after next week, she will also realize that there is something different about her mama. I don’t think she knows that I am different already as she really has nothing to compare it to but she will be exposed to more and she will notice soon enough. How will I deal with that question when it comes? I can see it know – a full blown little people discussion at daycare about peepees, bumbums and boobies and my monkey blurting out that her mama has no boobies! I used to dread the time I would be asked to explain the birds and the bees but suddenly I have to think about how to explain cancer to my child? How did we get here?
I know she isn’t close to ready in terms of being able to understand it and I honestly don’t want her to. I always said that if I had to get cancer young while I was a mother then I picked a good time. She wasn’t so tiny that being away from her would break my heart or hurt our early bond but then she also wasn’t big enough to understand what was happening and will likely never remember any of this. But now I am thinking a lot about how to deal with this issue when it eventually arises. I want to maintain her innocence as long as I can but I also want to be the one to talk to her about these sorts of things. I mean who knows when she will jump on Google – seeing as she can maneuver the Ipad better than me already. So if anyone else has been there before me please send your pearls of wisdom. From what I have read it is important to never lie to kids and provide information but leave out the exhaustive details. It will only confuse them. So I guess I will do just that. Tell her that because mama loves her baby and pappa so much she had to get rid of some icky stuff that wasn’t good for her so she could be happy and healthy for them both. Easy in theory right? It is a delicate balance seeing as my own experience has its own impacts on her life later on. I don’t want her to afraid. We already have an utterly horrific conversation to have much later down the line which I am already dreading and that will be hard enough so for right now I think I want to keep things as light as possible for her. At the end of the day, we just want to protect our babies and just make everything right in their worlds.
I even feel like she is already picking up on things already this week. For the first time ever, she has told me the last few days that she wanted to stay home and not go to daycare. I almost teared up when she said “Mama – Ida home.” What was worse was that I didn’t have the physical capacity to stay home with her. I know most people would tell me that I am looking into things too much but maybe she is sensing both my husband and my own anxiety and worry over what will happen next week. Maybe on some level she knows something is going to happen and that she will be away from her mama for a while. I don’t know but what I do know if that I am going to make the next few days matter for her. It will be non- stop quality time with mama and there will be dancing and there will be cake! Lots of it!!
So this might be my last post as OBB (I am keeping the name cuz it is cool) so if I don’t check back in before operation day please send all your happy and positive thoughts my way around 10am next Wednesday morning. As each day goes by, I am growing more afraid of going through it all again. The waiting game is a real killer and I have never been the patient type. But I have learned over the past year that the things I am most afraid of never seem as scary after the fact. It is the build- up that is the hardest to swallow. On the upside I will get lots of really good drugs so I can dance with the unicorns up on the clouds up in the sky. Will write more when I have made my descent!
Your OBB
I have started and stopped a number of blog ideas this week and have had trouble settling on just one coherent train of thought. I am tired this week and my body is hurting which is never a good thing. Like I have written a hundred times before – pain signals concern, pain could be my evil nemesis knocking on my door again – no pain is ever nothing. But I do hope mine is nothing and I am instituting the 2 week rule. If it hurts for more than 2 weeks then it is worth a look see. For now I need to just relax.
My blog is inspired partly from a devoted blog reader and person I have known since I was a tiny little person. She wrote me an email following last week’s post and told me about a memory she had of me as a child. I won’t go into exhaustive embarrassing detail as it is a personal story but it was about a time she was babysitting me and my toddler curiosity prompted me to make quite a funny and direct remark about a certain body part of hers. Yes we are talking about the boobs people. When do I not really? My life is defined by those two lumps of fat these days. Well it got me thinking about how smart and observant children are. They rarely miss a trick and often tell it like it is or how they see it. My own daughter has become increasing interested in her own body parts and others people too. She is talking about them and pointing them out – in the privacy of our home of course! I realized that after next week, she will also realize that there is something different about her mama. I don’t think she knows that I am different already as she really has nothing to compare it to but she will be exposed to more and she will notice soon enough. How will I deal with that question when it comes? I can see it know – a full blown little people discussion at daycare about peepees, bumbums and boobies and my monkey blurting out that her mama has no boobies! I used to dread the time I would be asked to explain the birds and the bees but suddenly I have to think about how to explain cancer to my child? How did we get here?
I know she isn’t close to ready in terms of being able to understand it and I honestly don’t want her to. I always said that if I had to get cancer young while I was a mother then I picked a good time. She wasn’t so tiny that being away from her would break my heart or hurt our early bond but then she also wasn’t big enough to understand what was happening and will likely never remember any of this. But now I am thinking a lot about how to deal with this issue when it eventually arises. I want to maintain her innocence as long as I can but I also want to be the one to talk to her about these sorts of things. I mean who knows when she will jump on Google – seeing as she can maneuver the Ipad better than me already. So if anyone else has been there before me please send your pearls of wisdom. From what I have read it is important to never lie to kids and provide information but leave out the exhaustive details. It will only confuse them. So I guess I will do just that. Tell her that because mama loves her baby and pappa so much she had to get rid of some icky stuff that wasn’t good for her so she could be happy and healthy for them both. Easy in theory right? It is a delicate balance seeing as my own experience has its own impacts on her life later on. I don’t want her to afraid. We already have an utterly horrific conversation to have much later down the line which I am already dreading and that will be hard enough so for right now I think I want to keep things as light as possible for her. At the end of the day, we just want to protect our babies and just make everything right in their worlds.
I even feel like she is already picking up on things already this week. For the first time ever, she has told me the last few days that she wanted to stay home and not go to daycare. I almost teared up when she said “Mama – Ida home.” What was worse was that I didn’t have the physical capacity to stay home with her. I know most people would tell me that I am looking into things too much but maybe she is sensing both my husband and my own anxiety and worry over what will happen next week. Maybe on some level she knows something is going to happen and that she will be away from her mama for a while. I don’t know but what I do know if that I am going to make the next few days matter for her. It will be non- stop quality time with mama and there will be dancing and there will be cake! Lots of it!!
So this might be my last post as OBB (I am keeping the name cuz it is cool) so if I don’t check back in before operation day please send all your happy and positive thoughts my way around 10am next Wednesday morning. As each day goes by, I am growing more afraid of going through it all again. The waiting game is a real killer and I have never been the patient type. But I have learned over the past year that the things I am most afraid of never seem as scary after the fact. It is the build- up that is the hardest to swallow. On the upside I will get lots of really good drugs so I can dance with the unicorns up on the clouds up in the sky. Will write more when I have made my descent!
Your OBB
Friday, March 16, 2012
Goodbye old friend
I should have been on an operating table yesterday morning. I should have been in a deep narcotic sleep blissfully unaware of what was coming next. But here I am this morning doing what I do every day and sitting in front of my computer thinking about what to write. Seeing as I got a very bad flu last week my surgery date of yesterday was moved to March 28th so yesterday instead passed by quietly. Now I am hoping to have a week or so of rest and relaxation while my body gains strength before it is beaten down to ground zero again. It is funny that nearly a year ago, I was in the exact same situation and was waiting for the same operation to happen. But a year ago, I was much more innocent and naïve about the whole thing. I didn’t know what to expect, I didn’t know what to feel and I didn’t know how things would be after. But now I am a veteran of the game which brings with it both positives and negatives. I know I can get through it but I also know that there are about a million other things I would rather do. I remember that morning so clearly – it was early and I was so hungry!! I was so cold and my legs were shaking while I tried to flip through a magazine I didn’t even understand. I remember the surgeon coming in to talk to me before and what he said to me by accident that made me so scared. I was already scared but his word translation mix up didn’t help the situation. “What is so exciting about your cancer is that it is aggressive.” Oh really? Exciting…not what I would call exciting by my definition. New dress? Exciting. Salary increase? Exciting. Tropical holiday? Exciting. Cancer? No way in hell. It really shifted the mood of the room and hearing out loud the scariest aspects of my case really made me want to throw up. But I didn’t. I tried to keep it together. I managed to stay intact until I was lying on the crucifix table (I don’t know why they let you walk in and lie down on that thing – why can’t you be asleep?). It makes you feel like Frankenstein getting his arms sewn on. Creepy! As the nurse tried to get the IV needle in and I told her how I hated it so much, the tears started to flow. The reality and full impact of the situation suddenly hit me. What was happening was happening now and I had no choice in the matter. I remember telling them to please put me to sleep now so the pain could stop.
So I will go through the same motions again and this time I know what to expect. Or perhaps I don’t? At least there won’t be any suspense at the end of this one. No lymph questions to be answered. But how weird is it to remove a perfectly healthy part of your body and not by accident? I never had any doubt or indecisiveness over this surgery – there was no choice. But suddenly now that I am so close to it, I am becoming quite melancholic over the whole thing. Even though I was OBB, I still had one breast that allowed me to maintain some sense of my feminine form. Something to remind me of the woman I was. But now there will be nothing but blank space and scars. Even with reconstruction which will happen later on, it will never be the same. It will never be the way it was and I find that really quite sad. These things I took for granted for so long, and who I think were quite a spectacular pair, will now simply be immortalized by a few saucy bikini shots taken on various summer holidays over the years. But I was thinking though perhaps this might improve my golf game seeing as there wont be anything in the way of my swing? Here`s looking on the bright side…
A funny thing happened this week – one of my surgeons called me to confirm my earlier request to donate my breast to research. I had figured I didn’t have any use for it so why not give it to something that might help advance breast cancer research. She asked whether I still was ok doing this – to which I replied of course as it wasn’t like I was going to let it sit on my mantle in a jar of formaldehyde (seriously gross!). She said great and that they would need to organize transport for my breast. I told her I only wanted first class for my friend! No cargo class please. We both laughed and she said it was so good that I could still find a reason to find humor at a time like this. Well what choice do I have? I have had those moments when I have cried and they have been often but it feels so much better to laugh. To laugh at my VIP boob being taken by chopper across town!
So I will try to enjoy my last week with my leftie friend before she heads off to the big bra in the sky.
OBB
So I will go through the same motions again and this time I know what to expect. Or perhaps I don’t? At least there won’t be any suspense at the end of this one. No lymph questions to be answered. But how weird is it to remove a perfectly healthy part of your body and not by accident? I never had any doubt or indecisiveness over this surgery – there was no choice. But suddenly now that I am so close to it, I am becoming quite melancholic over the whole thing. Even though I was OBB, I still had one breast that allowed me to maintain some sense of my feminine form. Something to remind me of the woman I was. But now there will be nothing but blank space and scars. Even with reconstruction which will happen later on, it will never be the same. It will never be the way it was and I find that really quite sad. These things I took for granted for so long, and who I think were quite a spectacular pair, will now simply be immortalized by a few saucy bikini shots taken on various summer holidays over the years. But I was thinking though perhaps this might improve my golf game seeing as there wont be anything in the way of my swing? Here`s looking on the bright side…
A funny thing happened this week – one of my surgeons called me to confirm my earlier request to donate my breast to research. I had figured I didn’t have any use for it so why not give it to something that might help advance breast cancer research. She asked whether I still was ok doing this – to which I replied of course as it wasn’t like I was going to let it sit on my mantle in a jar of formaldehyde (seriously gross!). She said great and that they would need to organize transport for my breast. I told her I only wanted first class for my friend! No cargo class please. We both laughed and she said it was so good that I could still find a reason to find humor at a time like this. Well what choice do I have? I have had those moments when I have cried and they have been often but it feels so much better to laugh. To laugh at my VIP boob being taken by chopper across town!
So I will try to enjoy my last week with my leftie friend before she heads off to the big bra in the sky.
OBB
Monday, March 12, 2012
A Confession
Ever since I was little, I have been someone who worried and was pretty much scared of everything. I still remember that Halloween so many years ago when I went to my neighbor`s house (literally next door) to watch scary movies and had to call to ask my dad to meet me halfway at the hedge. I like to chalk it up to an active and creative mind; others may tend to classify it as neurosis. I have been thinking a lot about fear and what makes me scared which is no new theme in this blog. I thought that maybe if I wrote everything down it might make it just a little less scary. Rocket science concepts here on a Monday morning eh! I am realizing how destructive fear can be and also how easily it can be transferred onto the people closest to us. I had conversation with my mother while I was visiting her about my obsessive fear over personal safety and where it came from. This began when I was very little when I would lie awake at night mapping out different escape routes through the house depending on where the intruder came in. Not normal child thought patterns and it wasn’t like I was living in a war torn country where bombs and invasions were part of the daily landscape. I grew up in a nice and safe suburb where the kids played outside day to night, where you could walk to the store by yourself for a candy bar and where bad things rarely if ever happened. We never even had a house break in and I was never involved in any traumatic events. So where did this come from? This fear that would keep me awake at night. Well my mother had some interesting things to share with me on this one. She grew up in Hungary and witnessed the Soviet invasion of 1956 when things literally fell into chaos overnight. She lived through the bangs on the door in the middle of the night when they dragged people away into the dark, never to be seen or heard from again. She thinks that she possibly projected this trauma and fear over personal safety onto me – subconsciously of course! She would never knowingly want to traumatize me in any way and she is a psychologist as well! It got me thinking about me and how I process and project my own fears especially given there is a little sponge the size of a two year living and breathing my every word 24/7. What am I passing onto her without even realizing it? I don’t want her to lie awake at night scared of what might happen in the dark, I don’t want her to be afraid of every disease in the world, I don’t want her to be afraid of big dogs, and I don’t want her to be afraid to live life sometimes un-carefully because that is really when you experience the real juice of life. I think there are enough things for her to worry about that I can’t change so why not lessen that burden for her and be extra conscious of what I am passing onto her. It might be good for me too.
So here is a little list of what scares me:
1) An intruder coming in through the window in the middle of the night – fairly self-explanatory.
2) Something bad happening to my husband or daughter or anyone I love.
3) Ghosts (for those non-believers I have a couple good stories to prove otherwise)
4) Big dogs – if they can tackle you, you are in trouble.
5) Rabid squirrels (thank you Lara for creating this one for me when we were like 7)
6) Snakes – can’t even look at a picture of one without feeling nauseous.
7) Dying before I am ready to go – a fear I try to manage every day.
8) Any movie or TV show involving serial killers in cities where the sun never shines!!
So now that I have written my list I realize it isn’t too long (I am sure I missing out on some key points) but it helps to be aware. Aware of what I am potentially passing onto other people who are fresh canvases with the world at their fingertips. I don’t ever want fear to hold my daughter back – I gave her wings when I gave her life and I want her to fly.
Now for some reason lately I have been trying to scare myself. And here comes the confession – My name is OBB and I have been internet trawling for all things cancer. I had been so good and disciplined for so long to not read too much about my diagnosis, as the tiny things I had read (by accident) had forced me to pop a valium from the palpitations I got. And after coming across a terrifying statistic in a book a month or so ago, you would think I would have learnt my lesson. Sadly no. Perhaps I am being a little sado-masochistic or maybe it is just morbid curiosity? I don’t know but I know it needs to stop. I look for other breast cancer blogs that might inspire me but often find old blogs of people who have since earned their “pink wings” which only depresses me or news stories about people having cancer. Because these stories are there – Cancer is touching everyone in the world and much of it is news worthy. There seems to be someone famous dying of or being diagnosed with cancer every day. I even was shocked to see the BRCA gene addressed in last week`s episode of 90210! So why this sudden obsession with the dark passenger? Maybe it is time to start to get out there and work again. I clearly have too much time on my hands and it is becoming dangerous. I do feel better telling you all about my little confession as seeing it written out makes me realize a) how unproductive this activity is b) how it is something I can so easily alter and change c) fear is not going to make me happier or healthier. So there will be a cancer ban in my house this week and hopefully for many weeks and months after. Anything malignant please stay out of my way. I have some very important living to do.
OBB
So here is a little list of what scares me:
1) An intruder coming in through the window in the middle of the night – fairly self-explanatory.
2) Something bad happening to my husband or daughter or anyone I love.
3) Ghosts (for those non-believers I have a couple good stories to prove otherwise)
4) Big dogs – if they can tackle you, you are in trouble.
5) Rabid squirrels (thank you Lara for creating this one for me when we were like 7)
6) Snakes – can’t even look at a picture of one without feeling nauseous.
7) Dying before I am ready to go – a fear I try to manage every day.
8) Any movie or TV show involving serial killers in cities where the sun never shines!!
So now that I have written my list I realize it isn’t too long (I am sure I missing out on some key points) but it helps to be aware. Aware of what I am potentially passing onto other people who are fresh canvases with the world at their fingertips. I don’t ever want fear to hold my daughter back – I gave her wings when I gave her life and I want her to fly.
Now for some reason lately I have been trying to scare myself. And here comes the confession – My name is OBB and I have been internet trawling for all things cancer. I had been so good and disciplined for so long to not read too much about my diagnosis, as the tiny things I had read (by accident) had forced me to pop a valium from the palpitations I got. And after coming across a terrifying statistic in a book a month or so ago, you would think I would have learnt my lesson. Sadly no. Perhaps I am being a little sado-masochistic or maybe it is just morbid curiosity? I don’t know but I know it needs to stop. I look for other breast cancer blogs that might inspire me but often find old blogs of people who have since earned their “pink wings” which only depresses me or news stories about people having cancer. Because these stories are there – Cancer is touching everyone in the world and much of it is news worthy. There seems to be someone famous dying of or being diagnosed with cancer every day. I even was shocked to see the BRCA gene addressed in last week`s episode of 90210! So why this sudden obsession with the dark passenger? Maybe it is time to start to get out there and work again. I clearly have too much time on my hands and it is becoming dangerous. I do feel better telling you all about my little confession as seeing it written out makes me realize a) how unproductive this activity is b) how it is something I can so easily alter and change c) fear is not going to make me happier or healthier. So there will be a cancer ban in my house this week and hopefully for many weeks and months after. Anything malignant please stay out of my way. I have some very important living to do.
OBB
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