A Day to Remember

"My father died many years ago, and yet when something special happens to me, I talk to him secretly not really knowing whether he hears, but it makes me feel better to half believe it." Natasha Josefowitz

Today is the 13th of June. A day that will stay etched in my mind forever and actually has nothing whatsoever to do with my dance with cancer. It is the day I lost my father. Five years ago today, I got a call very early in the morning with the shocking news. You learn quickly as you get older that whenever your phone rings in the early hours it is rarely good news. This was no exception. My otherwise healthy father was cruelly taken from us suddenly and unsuspectingly and my heart still aches for him. I have written about him quite a few times on this blog and it is very easy to see through my words and memories how very important he was to me and how much I loved him. He was the best father I could have asked for and I feel so priviledged and lucky that I had him in my life for 27 years. Many dont even have that opportunity.

I often still have an urge to call him when something exciting happens, or something sad or when I just need his advice. This is strange as when I think about the fact that 5 years have gone by, it feels like so much longer then that but in those moments, I sometimes forgot he is even gone. Old habits die hard! Maybe it is the fact I have lived such an enormous amount of life experience in those five years since we lost him that is feels like much more. I think he would be proud of me - of the life I created for myself, for the family I have, for the people who are in my life and for the way I carry myself through every challenge and obstacle. He taught me well. I just wish he could have seen more of my life especially when it comes to my daughter. I often catch myself watching daughters walking down the street with their grey haired fathers pushing their strollers around with their doting grandchildren sitting in them. I envy them and the normality of the entire interaction. I wish I had that too. But I do seek some comfort in the belief that he is somewhere where he can get some glimpse into the life I am living and be proud of the daughter he raised.

I love you Dad.

OBB

Moving on

Lots of things swirling around in my head today and not quite sure where to go with them. I woke up far too many times last night - sometimes from the all too frequent hot flashes courtesy of my lovely hormone therapy but also from some other things weighing me down.

So the last two weeks I have not been feeling well at all. It has really been a mixture of things - chest infection, heavy antiobiotics, tiredness, stress, and trying to do to much. Well it feels like my body has officially called a time out on me as it is dragging its heels these days and I am just not feeling my usual self. Anyone who has been where I have been knows that the moment you dont feel "normal", it is impossible to not worry and wonder...So I hope it passes soon and it is just my body forcing me to slow down. But I think when you dont feel well, everything else just seems that much more difficult to manage and I have found myself falling behind in emails, phone calls, yoga sessions, meeting up with friends, etc...I just dont have the energy to do it all so apologies if any of you are only getting radio silence from me. Not intential folks!

In other news (I know hearing about my aches and pains is far from mind blowing) we are moving. No I am not moving out of Norway nor are we moving really that far away but it will be a big change for me all the same. We are moving for all the right reasons - more space, better community and environment for our daughter, less expensive and also to just make a change for ourselves. It has been a long and challenging 3 years for us and perhaps a new place will be just what we need to leave the last year behind. But being the sentimental gal that I am, I am finding myself getting more and more emotional about the impending move that will be happening next month. As I go about my morning routine which I have been doing diligently and happily for nearly 14 months, I am realising that this routine will be no longer soon. There wont be a leisurely morning for my daughter and I as we take hours to get out the door without worrying about being late for anything. There wont be a waffle to pick up on route to daycare at that Cafe around the corner where they know us by name - something we are doing perhaps alittle too regularly these days! :) And there wont be the amazing daycare with the wonderful children who my daughter calls friends and the staff who have helped our little family through such a difficult time and loved our little monkey like their own. I know our little one is young and she will adapt like a pro to her new environment and make new friends but it is sad to leave that place and the people behind. It kept me awake last night thinking about it all coming to an end. Maybe it is the fact that this home and this neighborhood holds so many memories for me. In the words of Samantha from SATC when Carrie was packing up her apartment to move in with Big - " Alot of shit went down in this place." And boy did it ever. We started a new life here, we become parents, we brought our baby home here and she experienced many of her firsts within these walls. We got married while living here and we also experienced some of the deepest horror and grief together under this roof. We also experienced so many moments of pure joy - those moments that just pop up in the most everyday things but are so beautiful and treasured. We definitely crammed alot in and now we are leaving it all behind. Again for good reasons but change can often bring up many different emotions and feelings to the surface. So make sure you contact me for the new address and come visit us in the woods!! Okay it isnt quite the woods but there are lots of trees, fresh air and small hills and no United Bakeries down the road. :)

Well that is all from me today. Hope you are all having a wonderful day.

OBB

OBB Aspirations

Again more time has elapsed then I had planned for in between blog entries. It seems that life much like before I got sick is getting in the way. I find I now have little time to sit back, reflect and get some perspective on things and most of this is purely down to me and the decisions I make on how I spend my days. After walking a little slower than everyone else for the last year, I suddenly feel so restlessness and unable to sit still. There always seems to be something for me to do – another load of laundry, an activity with my daughter, a shelve to reorganize, a job to apply for, a yoga session to do…It really has become hard for me to sit down on the sofa and just be in the moment. Hence the challenges of writing any blog entries as I really need quiet time in order for the thoughts and inspirations to bubble to the surface. I know I need to be careful of overdoing things and remember hearing advice from many other patients who warned me of the burn out that could happen if you tried to do too much too soon. I am aware I need to take it easy but it is so hard to actually do.

I have started doing some work for a cancer charity which has been great as it allows me to use my writing skills in a more structured way and I love being able to use my brain again. It is comforting to know that I can still be clever and come up with good ideas as I sometimes worried that I may have lost that ability after not using it for so long. I also have been thinking lots about what I could do to celebrate the fact I am a cancer survivor and also raise money for the cause. This is very much a North American trend of people doing extraordinary things in the name of charity. I want to get in on the action and do something great. I want to push my personal limits, I want to work towards a goal, I want to become stronger and fitter and I want to raise money and publicity for cancer. Perhaps this may come across as slightly self involved but I want to do something that shows people that you can get a deadly disease and come out the other side. Now I have some pretty good ideas and one of them is really taking shape but I don’t want to write about it unless I am 100% sure I am doing it. Or else I run the risk of becoming the girl who talked the talk but didn’t in fact walk the walk. That girl isn’t too popular is she? So I will let you all know what crazy thing OBB will be doing in 2012 and I hope all of you will support me in it regardless of where you are in the world. I am ready to leave my mark and turn something horrific into something fun and positive. I am looking forward to starting to pave a new road for me from which a new journey will begin.

Aside from my charitable aspirations, everything else is moving swiftly ahead. We are fortunate enough to have Captain AC touching down on Nordic soil this weekend which I am beyond excited about. I am also hoping that she can provide some English speaking bootcamp to my daughter who is speaking just a little too much Norwegian these days. Yes I know I do in fact live in Norway where they speak Norwegian but I cannot tell you how weird it is to hear your child speaking a language that is just so foreign to you. I considered it a huge coup when we actually managed to sing Twinkle Twinkle together in English this past week. I take my victories where I can!

So that is all from me. Have a great day everyone!

OBB

The Top 10 Reasons It Is Cool To Have No Boobs

Ok so summer has arrived in Oslo...finally!! We are like a month or two behind everyone else it seems. The shops are filled with light and airy summer clothing and bikinis are everywhere. Everyone is peeling off the layers and exposing their casper white skin to the big bright ball in the sky. You cant help but feel happy when the weather is nice.

I remember this time last year shortly after my first operation when I was also getting used to my new body and the fact that summer would be slightly different for me. It is even more different this year and I am feeling self conscious to say the least. And I cant help but feel alittle crap when i browse through the shops and realise that about 70% of the cute outfits just wont work on the new me. And in terms of bathing suits? Well that is an entirely different story peeps. I have to go to a special shop that serves only us BC ladies and the styles seem to be chanelling the 70 to 80 age range. So in light of feeling alittle sorry for myself, i wanted to write a list of the good things about having no boobs. Why not focus on the positive and have alittle fun too.

The 10 Reasons it is cool to have no boobs

10. Running. Now if I did run and I wish I did - I would really be at a benefit having no chesticles. No nipple shaffing, no hefty sports bra to strap the girls down, and less wind resistance (not sure if science is behind me on the last one but it makes sense to me). Oslo Marathon here I come!

9. Bras and complicated clothing. So you know the drill ladies - you have found the coolest dress or top but the exact thing that makes it cool and different also poses a serious problem in finding the right bra to fit the complex straps. Well I just dont have this problem do i? I can rock any top and dont need worry about finding the perfect bra and we know what murder it is finding a good strapless one!

8. Gross ogling men. I can safely say that i have been in a situation when I was talking to a man and he continually looked downwards to "assess" my assets. I actually have been shocked at the lack of shame they have (and i know most men have the social decency to know that this is not cool). Face is up here dude! Well I am assured that I will only have men focusing on what is coming out of mouth and not what is sitting under my shirt. :)

7. Gender disguise. So this one is slightly far fetched (ok all the way in fantasy land) but I like it. In light of the Game of Thrones phenomenon and one of the young characters pretending she was a boy to survive, I think it could be quite useful especially if I had a huge army after me - to easily hide out as a boy if I needed to. I have the short cropped do´and no boobs for a start - so just rub some dirt on my face, throw on some pants and shirt and bam - boy time. Now I dont think i will need to utilise this benefit anytime soon in Norway but still worth mentioning.

6. The Gap. I have often found myself putting on a shirt with buttons and discovered the shirt fit everywhere but across the chest. There is nothing worse then buttons being stretched to their wits end and little gaps forming between each one. I have sadly witnessed this phenomenon of "the gap" far too many times while working in London. Well I just dont have this problem. Every shirt I own now fits like a glove and the gap is a thing of the past.

5. Kate Moss. We all remember the CkOne adverts in the 90s and the whole waif look right? Well Kate was the queen of that time and is still pretty much the most famous supermodel around. Now I dont entirely agree with some of the things she does but let´s face she is an icon and pretty damn hot. Well she has no breasts really so she kinda counts as being part of the Flat team. So if she can rock her mosquito bites in fabulous couture then I can rock my scars in retail. And scars are pretty bad ass.

4. Golf. I used to play golf but I havent done it in awhile. I did like it and often found that my chest area often got in the way of attaining a perfect swing. And I think if you look at the best female golfers in the world - none of them are "major" in the boob department. So perhaps I should dust off the clubs and see how far I can go.

3. Random injuries. I have been the recipient of many footballs, tennis balls, waterpolo balls and sharp elbows to the boob area over the years. And you know it hurts. Well I just dont have to worry about that. We got smooth sailing on these parts.

2. Gravity. We all now as we get older, gravity becomes a nemesis of our bodies. Things wrinkle and begin to drift downwards. Boobs are no exception to this natural event especially after having nourished your little babies. Well again I simply dont need to worry about anything hanging down by my toes and I wont have to carry my boobs around when I am old and grey. For now I have nothing but when I eventually do get some new ones I will be a perky as Miley Cyrus used to be before she started wearing shirts as dresses.

I am alive. This is clearly the biggest reason it is cool for me to not have boobs. Unfortunately mine were ticking time bombs with one already detonated so they had to go. Being alive is so much better then the alternative so I can feel good about my ground zero sitch. Boobs dont make the woman. I do.

Have a great day everyone!

OBB

My Mother´s Day Gift

In celebration of Mother´s Day across the pond, I wanted to do something for my own mother. (this is an early entry as I will be out of range all weekend in nature!).


My definition of a mother:

A mother is someone who always seems to be on hand with a pack of ice and a cartoon bandaid when you scrap your knee. And with a kiss you are healed.

A mother is someone who you sometimes hate but realise later that whatever she did to make you angry was out of love.

A mother is someone whose hug is warmer then the thickest or wooliest blanket.

A mother is someone whose needs always come second to yours. Something she does happily and with no regrets.

A mother is someone who you want to call up when things arent going your way.

A mother is someone who picks up the pieces when your world truly falls apart.

A mother is someone who no matter how much time passes, how much taller or bigger then her you get - still makes you feel like the little person you were - eternally protected by her love.

I learned all of these things from you and I feel proud of the mother I have grown to become. Some of it was me, some of it was you and in the process, my daughter has been so blessed to have a mother like me and a nana like you. Her world is so full of love and she knows nothing else. I dont want any of that change...ever.

I love you. Happy Mothers Day Beatron.

Your little Kati

Had Cancer but Will Work

"Concealing an illness is like keeping a beach ball under water." Karen Duffy

So today´s topic pertains to my re-entry into the working world which has not been without its share of challenges. Now I have written previously about how alot of things have came fairly easily to me in my life (I am not trying to sound arrogant here people but I was one of the lucky ones). I got my dream job out of university, I progressed steadily then when I ran across the pond to London, one month to the day I arrived, I had a job. And all of these jobs were well paid and pretty challenging. I did have some help getting my foot in the door but isnt the job market all about who you know? I should know as I worked in the business of finding people their next job for many years. I am not naive, I know how it works. You need to stand out, you need a flawless CV and you need people who will serve as your advocates. It isnt so much about sending off a CV into the black hole of the internet (or god forbid a fax!) but now with the economy the way it is, you need to do more. I am realising exactly how much more you need to do to get noticed. Fluency in Norwegian would be a good start!

I have not expected this process to be easy but it is so frustrating when I see an amazing job and then find out that because my Norwegian isnt perfect, I am not even considered. Of course I fully recognise that I am indeed living in Norway and the primary language is Norwegian! However I have worked very diligently at learning the language in order to understand my daughter (an essential skill I think!) and to land a good job. I remember a year or so ago when after months of searching, I finally was offered a job. I also remember how that same morning I sent an email telling them I was keen to take it, I also heard that I had cancer. The cancer kinda cancelled the whole new job thingo out and here we are again - 14 months on in the same place. But now I have another year of limbo stuck onto my CV and explaining "this gap" can be tough. How do I handle discussing my elusive absence? Do I get creative and say I was off building schools in Africa? Or that I was marooned on an island writing my first novel? The first year is easy as I was off having a baby as so many women do. But then do I deliberately remain vague about what followed after? Do I just say I was ill but better now? Or do I just tell them the whole truth? I do want to be totally open but think at the first juncture it might be a case of TMI. Case in point - I got an email from a headhunter last week telling me she had seen my profile on Linkedin and had the perfect role for me. I of course was very excited and asked her to call me. She did call and I deliberately spoke over the phone in Norwegian (which is way harder then face to face!) in order to show I was dedicated to learning the language. Well the call was brief to say the least. Her first and only question was "What have you been doing the last 2 years?" Hmmm...what shall I say? I blurted out that I had first taken a year of maternity leave and then I told her I had been sick but was 100% healthy now. The phone call ended 10 seconds later. I was so angry after it. I was so angry that I felt like I wanted to email her boss and tell him how i was treated by one of his consultants and offer up some "constructive criticism." But I didnt and just swallowed my bitter pill. Being treated like that was one of the things I had been so afraid after being branded by the Big C. I didnt want to be viewed as weaker or as a liability. I wanted to be recognised for my achievements, for my strong personality and for all the things that lay across the pages of my CV.

After a few days of stewing, I picked myself back up and jumped back into the job pool. Thankfully I have some great lifeguards keeping an eye on me and offering up boatloads of advice and help for which I am eternally grateful. I have a better perspective on things now. I dont want that woman to define what I am and what I am worth. Only I can do that. And if that was her way of working then I am lucky I didnt end up having her represent me. I firmly believe that the right job, the right company and the right opportunity will come along. I just need to learn to be alittle more patient (insert image of Axl Rose here!). Someone will see and value all that i have been through (scars and all!) and actually see it as a huge asset to the employee I can become. So in the meantime I will allow my body to rest, keep doing what I am doing and be hopeful that it will all work in the end.

Ciao,

OBB

The Power of Smell

"The sense of smell can be extraordinarily evocative, bringing back pictures as sharp as photographs of scenes that had left the conscious mind." Anonymous

I know I just wrote an entry just yesterday but I was prompted to write again today. As with many entries, I got my inspiration for this one on my walk to my daughter´s daycare. There we were just walking along the sidewalk with the sun shining onto our faces and then I smelt something familiar. In an instant, through this simple inhalation, I was transported back to another time, another place. I was back in Vancouver and running along the trails in the Endowment lands as I had done many years ago inhaling the same familiar scent of spring flowers. It was intoxicatingly sweet and smelt like sunshine and warmth all rolled into one. Then I was suddenly with my father again and we were catching up over coffee as we used to do so often and again there was that familiar scent hanging in the air. Those same flowers were thriving around us and filling the air with their sweet nosegay. For a moment I felt like he was here again - all through the power of a simple breath.


That is the incredible intermingling power of smell and memory. They say it is one of the strongest senses we have and I often feel its pull. Maybe it is my sense of romanticism, or maybe it is just that I am simply an emotional creature but I often catch myself getting lost in a beautiful memory invoked by a certain smell. Some of my all time favorites:


The smell of my daughter´s skin during the first few months of her life. There really is nothing better on this earth is there? The pure sweetness of new life.


The smell of Coppertone suntan lotion. Just a whiff of it and I am back with my father who favored it as his moisturiser of choice. When I would reach up to hug him, I would smell that sunkissed scent and I instantly felt safe.


The smell of my husband´s lips. It isn´t always there, but when it is, I am back to our first kiss many years ago. My heart flutters for a few moments with the memory of new young love with all its promise and excitement.


Chlorine. Given the fact I spent half my life in the stuff, it is very nostalgic for me and evokes so many memories. When I inhale those familiar fumes, I am back to a time when things were simple. I would get up every morning at 5am and head to the pool. On especially cold days, the smell would be even stronger when you walked into the building. That smell reminds me of victories, of losses, the comfort of routine, of pushing through new limits, laughter amongst friends and the innocence and joy of youth.


Campfires. Now for those who know me you all know that camping is not my thing. However this wasn´t always the case. I spent many summers at camp outside montreal, canoe tripping and hiking all around. I also had many wonderful end of summer weeks at Camp Nominingue. When I am walking around town and inhale that smoky scent, I am a 12 year old girl again. Swimming the lake as many times as I can, singing songs around the fire, struggling through a canoe portage or simply watching the sun go down ever so slowly behind the mountains forming a beautiful crystal sheen across the lake. These are just some of the memories I live through again.


What are your favorite scent memories? Let your nose guide you to the places and people you have loved along the way.

OBB