“The moment my doctor told me, I went silent. My mum and dad were with me. Then we all fell to pieces.” Kylie Minogue, On being diagnosed with breast cancer.
This week has a very busy and tiring one for me so far and it marks the anniversary of one of the biggest moments in my life. Now I have wrestled with how I should acknowledge this date and I thought perhaps I shouldn’t put any special significance on it as it was a truly horrific day. But on the other hand, it happened and it proceeded to change me in so many different ways over the next 12 months and this metamorphosis , in my opinion, worth mentioning.
One year ago in a hospital exam room in Oslo,Norway:
Me: So I just wanted to come in to make sure everything was healing ok – you know me worry worry worry about everything.
Nurse: I see you are alone today. You usually always come with your husband but he isn’t with you today.
Me: No – I didn’t want to bother him with a routine appointment.
Nurse: Hmmm…
Doctor: Well everything looks to be healing fine but I think you should sit down. (She stares blankly at me, looks at her computer screen and takes a breath). I have some bad news.
Me: What do you mean?
Doctor: We have found malignant cells in your biopsy. You have breast cancer.
Me: What does that mean?
Doctor: You have cancer.
The shock took over and I was trembling with fear. I handed my phone to the nurse and told her to call my husband and tell him to come now. There was no way I could get the words out to him. There was no way I could tell him what had just happened. The next minutes that ticked by felt surreal as they told me what I would need to be ready for and that so many women survive breast cancer these days.
Me: I am sorry but I am not listening to a word you are saying. I am somewhere else.
Doctor: Ok. I am sure this all very upsetting for you.
Truth be told I was using every ounce of energy to hold the pieces of myself together and not fall apart…not yet. A million questions zoomed around my brain – none of them good. It was just so hard to believe it was happening to me. The moment my husband arrived in the room, I felt more secure. I wasn’t alone. He was so strong and just sat down beside me, held my head and asked the right questions. He didn’t flinch, he didn’t cry – he kept it together for me which gave me so much strength. That is the type of person you want beside you when your world crumbles – a sturdy stable refuge when everything is spinning out of control around you.
When we walked out into the corridor, the tsunami that had been growing in strength and momentum finally crashed. I ran into the washroom and dialed my mother’s number. She was the first person I told those three words to (amidst uncontrollable sobs of the deepest pain I have ever felt) – I have cancer.
Those three words changed my life. They changed how I looked, how I felt and how I see. Of course it was predominantly a nightmare but I have gained such deep insight into myself and life. An insight that would have taken a lifetime to learn. So it is not all bad.
So one year on, I am happy to be able to call myself a survivor. I am here, I am breathing, I am living. And in the words of my husband in those dark early days, “ We will beat this, no matter what.” And we did.
Love, OBB
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Wading through the Deep
A quick check in from OBB. It is a gorgeous sunny day with bright blue skies, however we are housebound looking after a very unwell little monkey. I had gone to bed early last night as I have been seriously exhausted all week and less then 30 minutes later, I heard a bump. I then found a very shaken and upset little lady who had fallen down in her own vomit (yes this might be too much info!). It is moments like these that I am just a mother again - juggling hosing her off, comforting her and trying to clean up the mess. Of course my husband was out at the movies at the time though came home early to help clean up the chaos. Though I could have thought of better experiences to bring me back to the banal sides of life, it does make me feel normal again.
This week has been hard for me. I have tried to sit down and write a blog entry but kept starting and not feeling focused enough to finish it. None of it seemed blog worthy. I am not sure if it is my high level of fatigue, missing my mom and friends, anxiety over the next few weeks or my upcoming "cancerversary" next Saturday. It is most likely a combination of it all made worse by some persistent pain that has developed in my chest that it apparently a delayed radiation reaction. I of course immediately think any pain that is "weird" has to be the cancer returning and I am sure I drive everyone around me crazy with my obsessions. I often feel for my husband as he is usually the one who hears all my crap and I often forget to filter! The last year has been eye opening for me in terms of knowing how to make a relationship work especially when you are dealing with stress and boy have we dealt with our share of stress. We moved to another country, had a baby and had cancer all within a 2 year time period. During this time, I would put so much energy and effort into being positive, happy and upbeat for everyone else in my life that I would often have only the worst of me left by the end of the day. The isnt fair for anyone and I am fortunate to have been made aware of this at 32. It isnt just about having an illness, I think it is very easy for anyone to do this. Life gets in the way, our children take our time and energy, jobs distract us, and days, months, years pass. There is always something going on but it is important to be aware of what is really important to you and to know where you want to focus your energy. So in light of prioritising what is important my husband and I are taking a child free weekend break this week. We wanted to do something nice before surgery and recovery takes over our lives again. I am looking forward to it and being able to spend time together away from the stresses and toils of our daily life. I see how important it is to nurture our relationship - marriages are hard and you just cant ever take each other for granted - ever.
So I have been trying to beat away this dark cloud over my head and finding it tougher then usual. I think it always goes back to the same thing - I just want my life to be normal. I want to worry about things any 32 year old woman would. I want to do the things I had planned to do. I want to live without this little voice in my head terrorising me. I read a book this weekend about how to live after breast cancer treatment and i could relate to so many things the author said. The author kept reinterating that once you have breast cancer, you will always live in fear of it returning. It isnt like other illnesses that once it has been treated it is gone for good. This one is crafty and has far too many tricks up its sleeve. You of course want to be positive and imagine that it wont ever come back but that fear is now a real part of your life. It makes you think differently about things and contemplate the "what ifs". I try so hard to quiet these voices in my head but sometimes they scream for attention. There is a quote from one of the survivors interviewed in the book who says this:
" Those of us who have had cancer have been to the end of the precipice, looked down, faced the fear of falling, and have returned. Those people who havent had cancer dont know that you dont have to fall when you are at the edge."
I even wrote a letter to the cancer (apparently it is more mentally empowering to call it "the" rather then "my") this week to get out some of my anger at the things it has done to me and taken away from me. If I could I would lock it up in a box made of the toughest metal, wrap it in titanium chains and drop it in the deepest part of the ocean where it would never be seen again. Unfortunately we dont have that kind of power, even though I am in fact a superhero, so I will have to settle with saying F@%$ cancer!
So that is a mish mash of my headspace this week - very up and down. I hope some of this makes sense and perhaps some of you can read between the lines.
I will be writing a special entry later this week to mark my "Cancerversary" so stay tuned.
OBB
This week has been hard for me. I have tried to sit down and write a blog entry but kept starting and not feeling focused enough to finish it. None of it seemed blog worthy. I am not sure if it is my high level of fatigue, missing my mom and friends, anxiety over the next few weeks or my upcoming "cancerversary" next Saturday. It is most likely a combination of it all made worse by some persistent pain that has developed in my chest that it apparently a delayed radiation reaction. I of course immediately think any pain that is "weird" has to be the cancer returning and I am sure I drive everyone around me crazy with my obsessions. I often feel for my husband as he is usually the one who hears all my crap and I often forget to filter! The last year has been eye opening for me in terms of knowing how to make a relationship work especially when you are dealing with stress and boy have we dealt with our share of stress. We moved to another country, had a baby and had cancer all within a 2 year time period. During this time, I would put so much energy and effort into being positive, happy and upbeat for everyone else in my life that I would often have only the worst of me left by the end of the day. The isnt fair for anyone and I am fortunate to have been made aware of this at 32. It isnt just about having an illness, I think it is very easy for anyone to do this. Life gets in the way, our children take our time and energy, jobs distract us, and days, months, years pass. There is always something going on but it is important to be aware of what is really important to you and to know where you want to focus your energy. So in light of prioritising what is important my husband and I are taking a child free weekend break this week. We wanted to do something nice before surgery and recovery takes over our lives again. I am looking forward to it and being able to spend time together away from the stresses and toils of our daily life. I see how important it is to nurture our relationship - marriages are hard and you just cant ever take each other for granted - ever.
So I have been trying to beat away this dark cloud over my head and finding it tougher then usual. I think it always goes back to the same thing - I just want my life to be normal. I want to worry about things any 32 year old woman would. I want to do the things I had planned to do. I want to live without this little voice in my head terrorising me. I read a book this weekend about how to live after breast cancer treatment and i could relate to so many things the author said. The author kept reinterating that once you have breast cancer, you will always live in fear of it returning. It isnt like other illnesses that once it has been treated it is gone for good. This one is crafty and has far too many tricks up its sleeve. You of course want to be positive and imagine that it wont ever come back but that fear is now a real part of your life. It makes you think differently about things and contemplate the "what ifs". I try so hard to quiet these voices in my head but sometimes they scream for attention. There is a quote from one of the survivors interviewed in the book who says this:
" Those of us who have had cancer have been to the end of the precipice, looked down, faced the fear of falling, and have returned. Those people who havent had cancer dont know that you dont have to fall when you are at the edge."
I even wrote a letter to the cancer (apparently it is more mentally empowering to call it "the" rather then "my") this week to get out some of my anger at the things it has done to me and taken away from me. If I could I would lock it up in a box made of the toughest metal, wrap it in titanium chains and drop it in the deepest part of the ocean where it would never be seen again. Unfortunately we dont have that kind of power, even though I am in fact a superhero, so I will have to settle with saying F@%$ cancer!
So that is a mish mash of my headspace this week - very up and down. I hope some of this makes sense and perhaps some of you can read between the lines.
I will be writing a special entry later this week to mark my "Cancerversary" so stay tuned.
OBB
Thursday, February 23, 2012
OBB Update
I am back in the land of the living…well sorta anyways. It has been a rough week since we returned from our big trip and we have been suffering from bad jetlag. I am actually surprised how functional I have remained despite my prolonged state of sleep deprivation. However my body is giving me signs this week that it cant do what it used to and some pains and strains are coming out of the woodwork. And I was just starting to feel normal again.
The hardships were well worth it though as we did have a great time away. My daughter got to so many amazing things including not having to put on 5 layers every time we went out. We went swimming (first time for me since my diagnosis), went to the aquariam, visited a tropical bird sanctuary, sat and sipped Starbucks hot chocolates, ate sushi as many times as we could and most importantly spent some QT with Captain AC. Since I left Canada many years ago, whenever I visit there I am of course happy to see everyone and everything but I am also happy to come home again. I don’t leave with a heavy heart and desire to go back to that life. However for the first time I really miss it and I miss my mom. She is doing so well but of course her long struggle has affected her and I so want to be closer to her. Our relationship is different – stronger. Our relationship shifted when I became a mother but it again shifted when we both got cancer together. We are connected in such a deep way that it is hard to even explain. It was also so comforting to say “Oh my big toe is numb again” and to know that yes she truly understood how that felt. We also talked about the scary things that keep me up at night and nothing I say scares her. It was so comforting for me but also made me see how difficult it is for us to be so far apart during such a difficult time. She is after all my mom and moms make everything better don’t they?
So now that we are back, I am also back to reality in terms of continuing on this reluctant journey. I was greeted by a number of letters detailing various appointments with specialists etc… and the dreaded MRI next week. So little time to regroup before I board the crazy train again. I did meet with a specialist in Canada who gave me a slightly different view on things and how I should proceed. It is so hard to make an informed decision when the medical people involved in your case aren’t in a consensus. I guess I will have to go with gut feel on this one. I am definitely having my operation in a few weeks time just to get some of it out of the way but we will see about everything else. I am really dreading being thrown back into a weakened state after working so hard these last few months to build my strength both physically and mentally. I also just don’t want to be in pain and frankly I don’t feel like being brave right now. But of course I will do what I have done for the last year and reluctantly put on my superhero cape and mask and do what I must do. It isn’t always easy being a superhero…
That is all for me today. More to come later as there will be lots to discuss as the story unfolds further…
Ciao,
OBB
The hardships were well worth it though as we did have a great time away. My daughter got to so many amazing things including not having to put on 5 layers every time we went out. We went swimming (first time for me since my diagnosis), went to the aquariam, visited a tropical bird sanctuary, sat and sipped Starbucks hot chocolates, ate sushi as many times as we could and most importantly spent some QT with Captain AC. Since I left Canada many years ago, whenever I visit there I am of course happy to see everyone and everything but I am also happy to come home again. I don’t leave with a heavy heart and desire to go back to that life. However for the first time I really miss it and I miss my mom. She is doing so well but of course her long struggle has affected her and I so want to be closer to her. Our relationship is different – stronger. Our relationship shifted when I became a mother but it again shifted when we both got cancer together. We are connected in such a deep way that it is hard to even explain. It was also so comforting to say “Oh my big toe is numb again” and to know that yes she truly understood how that felt. We also talked about the scary things that keep me up at night and nothing I say scares her. It was so comforting for me but also made me see how difficult it is for us to be so far apart during such a difficult time. She is after all my mom and moms make everything better don’t they?
So now that we are back, I am also back to reality in terms of continuing on this reluctant journey. I was greeted by a number of letters detailing various appointments with specialists etc… and the dreaded MRI next week. So little time to regroup before I board the crazy train again. I did meet with a specialist in Canada who gave me a slightly different view on things and how I should proceed. It is so hard to make an informed decision when the medical people involved in your case aren’t in a consensus. I guess I will have to go with gut feel on this one. I am definitely having my operation in a few weeks time just to get some of it out of the way but we will see about everything else. I am really dreading being thrown back into a weakened state after working so hard these last few months to build my strength both physically and mentally. I also just don’t want to be in pain and frankly I don’t feel like being brave right now. But of course I will do what I have done for the last year and reluctantly put on my superhero cape and mask and do what I must do. It isn’t always easy being a superhero…
That is all for me today. More to come later as there will be lots to discuss as the story unfolds further…
Ciao,
OBB
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
10 things I learnt in the last week
Hi Everyone,
It feels like a long time since I have blogged and have definitely lived a full week since I last wrote. I am coming to you from rainy though beautiful Vancouver and sitting here finally with a few delicious moments to myself while my daughter and mother sleep. Things have been busy and in light of being time efficient and also getting down the most information in the shortest amount of time I am going for the listicle format (I don't know if I am breaking blog protocol here as most of my friends who do this tend to do it on Mondays but hey ho here we go!).
10 Things I learnt in the last week
10. Airtravel with a toddler remains a test in human endurance. I know my daughter is a pretty good traveller but the combination of a 2 flights, total abandonment of any routine, too many sugar products, confinement and a 2 year old who really doesn't see the point of sleeping during a 19 hour time period with a mommy who only finished a year of cancer treatment 6 weeks earlier is a very tough thing to do. We made it of course though not without a few tantrums and stand offs along the way. Ipads help too.
9. Reunions - reunions are well... simply wonderful. I always think to the opening scene in one of my all time favourite movies "Love Actually" where they show the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. I always tear up when I see it - children and their parents, long lost friends, mothers and daughters…Well I was reunited with my mother after a very long difficult year and it was wonderful. We both bore the scars and strains of our journeys though still pretty much looked like the same women we were before. Just with cooler and edgier hair dos!
8. Escape is bliss. Since I have been here I have often totally forgotten my status as a cancer patient and now a survivor. Here I am more anonymous and no one could tell what I have been through. I also have no visual reminders of my experience. Vancouver is a cancer free place to me. I was never sick when I was here so things feel fresh and new being here now. It feels good and I find i am not thinking or obsessing about it for the first time in a very long time. It feels good.
7. Kombucha tea though highly nutritious and full of good things to heal me is pretty much unpalatable. It looks like green scum and tastes like juice you left out in the sun for like a month. I am all for drinking and eating things that will make me healthy but this is where I draw the line!
6. Solo 24/7 parenting is hard. Since I got sick, my daughter went into full time daycare and her father took over a lot of responsibilities - most notably the nighttime wake ups. After a week of looking after a jet-lagged totter who has been thrown out of her sacred routine, I am exhausted. She is definitely going through separation anxiety and if I am in the vicinity then no one can get in there! It makes it hard for my mom to help and I definitely need it. I again give kudos to all those single parents out there as it is hard work. This is hard and I have to push through the exhaustion barriers which actually makes me feel just like a normal parent again. Though I am wiped out it strangely comforts me as I am just being a mom to her and nothing else. But I do need to remember that I need to rest and my body isn't what it used to be. Hmm…when to do that? I am looking forward to going home again and seeing my husband! We work much better as a team. :)
5. Being with old friends is the best medicine. I have been able to see some of my friends (though it has been a tight squeeze) and it has been great. I have one friend in particular who is so near and dear to my heart. She has made an appearance in this blog before as she was the one who flew across the world to come and shave my head for me. It is so nice to just be together doing normal things like going to lunch, taking our daughters to the park to play, hitting the Gap Kids section and relaxing over a latte. I feel privileged to have someone with such an open heart in my life who just understands without me having to say anything and whom I can tell pretty much anything to.
4. You don't need to know people forever or even have ever met them in person for them to be a tower of strength and support to you when you need it most. The internet builds bridges that never existed before. I had the chance to meet someone who has been a regular commentator on this blog in person for the first time this week. Though I had never met her I felt like she knew me and she understand my emotions and my experience. She took so much time to write long and detailed responses to my entries giving me numerous pearls of cancer wisdom that were so helpful. She came laden with gifts of healing for me and a treat for my daughter. I was so touched by her kindness and generosity and feel we are bonded by our parallel cancer journeys forever. I guess the world of internet media and social networking allows us to transcend the traditional routes for connecting with people. I am happy to have met this woman who lightened my load. Thank you and thank you to everyone else who have been a permanent fixture on my virtual OBB team. Though I don't always get to respond to your comments please know I read them all and appreciate every single one.
3. Norway is expensive. Yes I know I live in the most expensive country in the world but boy does that country look after you. However whenever I come to Canada it always feels like everything is "free." When you think it is normal for a beer to cost $20 and a haircut $150 suddenly $2 for toothpaste, $8 for a bottle of tylenol, $14 for a dinner out is a very exciting thing! I could go on and on. I am like a kid in a candy store walking around and it is far too easy to justify purchases! Maybe I could stock up just alittle bit…
2. Now this might contradict point 6 but whatever it's my list people. I am also relishing my time with my daughter. Though I sometimes want to wring her neck when she pushes the limits for like the 100th time, I also love how much time we are getting together. I am seeing how important I am in her life and how much I love her. After the year I have been through and the fears over things going wrong, my time with my family has been priceless. I appreciate every moment and the time I am getting with her while she is so little goes by so fast so that fact I am with her all day and not at work all day is pretty special. I just don't take anything for granted most importantly time.
1. Love. All you need it love. Lots of it.
(Oh I hear the familiar call of “Mama mine” coming from the bedroom now so that is my cue to whip off my OBB superhero cape and swtich back into mom!).
It feels like a long time since I have blogged and have definitely lived a full week since I last wrote. I am coming to you from rainy though beautiful Vancouver and sitting here finally with a few delicious moments to myself while my daughter and mother sleep. Things have been busy and in light of being time efficient and also getting down the most information in the shortest amount of time I am going for the listicle format (I don't know if I am breaking blog protocol here as most of my friends who do this tend to do it on Mondays but hey ho here we go!).
10 Things I learnt in the last week
10. Airtravel with a toddler remains a test in human endurance. I know my daughter is a pretty good traveller but the combination of a 2 flights, total abandonment of any routine, too many sugar products, confinement and a 2 year old who really doesn't see the point of sleeping during a 19 hour time period with a mommy who only finished a year of cancer treatment 6 weeks earlier is a very tough thing to do. We made it of course though not without a few tantrums and stand offs along the way. Ipads help too.
9. Reunions - reunions are well... simply wonderful. I always think to the opening scene in one of my all time favourite movies "Love Actually" where they show the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. I always tear up when I see it - children and their parents, long lost friends, mothers and daughters…Well I was reunited with my mother after a very long difficult year and it was wonderful. We both bore the scars and strains of our journeys though still pretty much looked like the same women we were before. Just with cooler and edgier hair dos!
8. Escape is bliss. Since I have been here I have often totally forgotten my status as a cancer patient and now a survivor. Here I am more anonymous and no one could tell what I have been through. I also have no visual reminders of my experience. Vancouver is a cancer free place to me. I was never sick when I was here so things feel fresh and new being here now. It feels good and I find i am not thinking or obsessing about it for the first time in a very long time. It feels good.
7. Kombucha tea though highly nutritious and full of good things to heal me is pretty much unpalatable. It looks like green scum and tastes like juice you left out in the sun for like a month. I am all for drinking and eating things that will make me healthy but this is where I draw the line!
6. Solo 24/7 parenting is hard. Since I got sick, my daughter went into full time daycare and her father took over a lot of responsibilities - most notably the nighttime wake ups. After a week of looking after a jet-lagged totter who has been thrown out of her sacred routine, I am exhausted. She is definitely going through separation anxiety and if I am in the vicinity then no one can get in there! It makes it hard for my mom to help and I definitely need it. I again give kudos to all those single parents out there as it is hard work. This is hard and I have to push through the exhaustion barriers which actually makes me feel just like a normal parent again. Though I am wiped out it strangely comforts me as I am just being a mom to her and nothing else. But I do need to remember that I need to rest and my body isn't what it used to be. Hmm…when to do that? I am looking forward to going home again and seeing my husband! We work much better as a team. :)
5. Being with old friends is the best medicine. I have been able to see some of my friends (though it has been a tight squeeze) and it has been great. I have one friend in particular who is so near and dear to my heart. She has made an appearance in this blog before as she was the one who flew across the world to come and shave my head for me. It is so nice to just be together doing normal things like going to lunch, taking our daughters to the park to play, hitting the Gap Kids section and relaxing over a latte. I feel privileged to have someone with such an open heart in my life who just understands without me having to say anything and whom I can tell pretty much anything to.
4. You don't need to know people forever or even have ever met them in person for them to be a tower of strength and support to you when you need it most. The internet builds bridges that never existed before. I had the chance to meet someone who has been a regular commentator on this blog in person for the first time this week. Though I had never met her I felt like she knew me and she understand my emotions and my experience. She took so much time to write long and detailed responses to my entries giving me numerous pearls of cancer wisdom that were so helpful. She came laden with gifts of healing for me and a treat for my daughter. I was so touched by her kindness and generosity and feel we are bonded by our parallel cancer journeys forever. I guess the world of internet media and social networking allows us to transcend the traditional routes for connecting with people. I am happy to have met this woman who lightened my load. Thank you and thank you to everyone else who have been a permanent fixture on my virtual OBB team. Though I don't always get to respond to your comments please know I read them all and appreciate every single one.
3. Norway is expensive. Yes I know I live in the most expensive country in the world but boy does that country look after you. However whenever I come to Canada it always feels like everything is "free." When you think it is normal for a beer to cost $20 and a haircut $150 suddenly $2 for toothpaste, $8 for a bottle of tylenol, $14 for a dinner out is a very exciting thing! I could go on and on. I am like a kid in a candy store walking around and it is far too easy to justify purchases! Maybe I could stock up just alittle bit…
2. Now this might contradict point 6 but whatever it's my list people. I am also relishing my time with my daughter. Though I sometimes want to wring her neck when she pushes the limits for like the 100th time, I also love how much time we are getting together. I am seeing how important I am in her life and how much I love her. After the year I have been through and the fears over things going wrong, my time with my family has been priceless. I appreciate every moment and the time I am getting with her while she is so little goes by so fast so that fact I am with her all day and not at work all day is pretty special. I just don't take anything for granted most importantly time.
1. Love. All you need it love. Lots of it.
(Oh I hear the familiar call of “Mama mine” coming from the bedroom now so that is my cue to whip off my OBB superhero cape and swtich back into mom!).
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Genetics, Plastic and Planes
It is amazing how fast time goes between blog entries these days. I write one then bam! – a week goes by in a flash and I realize I haven’t updated everyone on my life. So I am trying to get one in before I head off on my transatlantic adventure early next week.
I am scared about the trip. I have always been pretty relaxed and fearless about travelling and took my daughter to Canada many times solo when she was a baby and managed fine. I have been around the world on a plane literally so I am at ease in the air. But this time is different maybe because I am different. After the last year and everything that has happened, I have been protected and I have not been on my own. Either my husband or friends would be there to help me out whenever I needed it but this time it will be just me. I know I will be fine but there is a tiny part of me that is scared. What if I get too tired and become dizzy and my daughter is left watching her mother fall to the ground. I am realizing how much has been done for me lately – things I maybe didn’t even think about till now. Lugging suitcases around, trying to go to the bathroom while wrangling a two year old and just making it through a very long flight without sleep. I guess I will get some comfort in the fact that someone will be waiting on the other end to help me out and the opportunity to see her is worth the challenge of getting there. I am of course talking about my mother (The Captain). It will be our first reunion in 11 months and boy what a crazy 11 months it has been. We clearly have “lots” to catch up on and many hugs to give!!
So aside from prepping for my trip I had a busy week of meeting specialists. Monday was the geneticist who really didn’t give me any new information that made me change my mind about what I plan to do. It was informative to understand things abit more clearly but I am sure about my choice and why I am doing it. I met with my surgical team Tuesday which was interesting and was my first meeting with a plastic surgeon! He was very nice and very chatty. I felt like I was on an episode of Extreme Makeover as he drew lines here and there and talked about his plans to make me look “wonderful.” They can do amazing things these days which is a good thing in my case as I want to be normal again. I would have never pegged myself to be an implant girl but here I am getting a pair for free!!! Now of course I am paying a different kind of price for them which far outweighs the monetary value of them in actuality but hey ho. We talked through the different options, time frames and recovery times. I have decided to wait on the reconstruction and do both “girls” together once my skin has healed from radiation. After what I have been through the extra pain, 4 to 8 week recovery time where I couldn’t lift or hold my darling daughter and being grounded for months just didn’t appeal. I need a break, I need a summer, and I need to be me. So I will do the most important things first which is to rid my body of the ticking time bombs and then deal with the cosmetic elements later when I am stronger mentally and physically. I also think a year or so from now, we will be able to explain things better to our daughter and how she must be careful around mama. Now she would just continue to use me for target practice which would not be good at all. So we will have a few more consults to put together the blueprint for the operation in March and get an MRI done beforehand. It is protocol to require a MRI taken within 6 months prior to this surgery but I can’t help but feel scared of it. MRIs are incredibly useful life saving tools of technology but they also reveal all and I just hope there is nothing to see. I guess any kind of test will be scary to me for a long time afterwards…something to get used to. I just need to see it as a fortunate way to see into the future and keep me safe.
So that is what is happening with OBB (I can still call myself that for now!). I joked with a friend today that I was separating from my left breast as things were just not working out in our relationship. That isn’t so far from the truth. I never thought I would be so ready to give up both breasts and have no wavering whatsoever. There was never a choice to me. It was a decision that would give me some kind of protection, some kind of relief and some kind of a chance at life. I am sure many of you would do the same. I have people to live for so this is the road I must take.
I hope everyone has a lovely weekend and I hope to manage a blog entry from the other side of the pond.
OBB
I am scared about the trip. I have always been pretty relaxed and fearless about travelling and took my daughter to Canada many times solo when she was a baby and managed fine. I have been around the world on a plane literally so I am at ease in the air. But this time is different maybe because I am different. After the last year and everything that has happened, I have been protected and I have not been on my own. Either my husband or friends would be there to help me out whenever I needed it but this time it will be just me. I know I will be fine but there is a tiny part of me that is scared. What if I get too tired and become dizzy and my daughter is left watching her mother fall to the ground. I am realizing how much has been done for me lately – things I maybe didn’t even think about till now. Lugging suitcases around, trying to go to the bathroom while wrangling a two year old and just making it through a very long flight without sleep. I guess I will get some comfort in the fact that someone will be waiting on the other end to help me out and the opportunity to see her is worth the challenge of getting there. I am of course talking about my mother (The Captain). It will be our first reunion in 11 months and boy what a crazy 11 months it has been. We clearly have “lots” to catch up on and many hugs to give!!
So aside from prepping for my trip I had a busy week of meeting specialists. Monday was the geneticist who really didn’t give me any new information that made me change my mind about what I plan to do. It was informative to understand things abit more clearly but I am sure about my choice and why I am doing it. I met with my surgical team Tuesday which was interesting and was my first meeting with a plastic surgeon! He was very nice and very chatty. I felt like I was on an episode of Extreme Makeover as he drew lines here and there and talked about his plans to make me look “wonderful.” They can do amazing things these days which is a good thing in my case as I want to be normal again. I would have never pegged myself to be an implant girl but here I am getting a pair for free!!! Now of course I am paying a different kind of price for them which far outweighs the monetary value of them in actuality but hey ho. We talked through the different options, time frames and recovery times. I have decided to wait on the reconstruction and do both “girls” together once my skin has healed from radiation. After what I have been through the extra pain, 4 to 8 week recovery time where I couldn’t lift or hold my darling daughter and being grounded for months just didn’t appeal. I need a break, I need a summer, and I need to be me. So I will do the most important things first which is to rid my body of the ticking time bombs and then deal with the cosmetic elements later when I am stronger mentally and physically. I also think a year or so from now, we will be able to explain things better to our daughter and how she must be careful around mama. Now she would just continue to use me for target practice which would not be good at all. So we will have a few more consults to put together the blueprint for the operation in March and get an MRI done beforehand. It is protocol to require a MRI taken within 6 months prior to this surgery but I can’t help but feel scared of it. MRIs are incredibly useful life saving tools of technology but they also reveal all and I just hope there is nothing to see. I guess any kind of test will be scary to me for a long time afterwards…something to get used to. I just need to see it as a fortunate way to see into the future and keep me safe.
So that is what is happening with OBB (I can still call myself that for now!). I joked with a friend today that I was separating from my left breast as things were just not working out in our relationship. That isn’t so far from the truth. I never thought I would be so ready to give up both breasts and have no wavering whatsoever. There was never a choice to me. It was a decision that would give me some kind of protection, some kind of relief and some kind of a chance at life. I am sure many of you would do the same. I have people to live for so this is the road I must take.
I hope everyone has a lovely weekend and I hope to manage a blog entry from the other side of the pond.
OBB
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I aint a gambling (wo)man*
* (I am unable to figure out how to get commas on my Norwegian keyboard so please excuse the grammatical issues!).
So I got all sorts of ideas for this mornings blog while walking home from dropping my daughter off at daycare. I often find my inspiration this way as I saunter through the icy streets of my neighborhood thinking about this and that. I have alot on my mind these days. My heart always aches when I transfer my spider monkey into the arms of the daycare worker as I notice her bottom lip start to quiver and her eyes fill with tears. She tries so hard not to cry and her bravery moves me. It takes some inner strength to walk away but I am always comforted in the knowledge that seconds later she will be running around having a jolly old time.
Okay so where are we at? I wanted to thank you for some lovely comments from last weeks post about my wonderful mother. She is doing brilliantly and we are so looking forward to our reunion in a few short weeks. Writing the entry itself was so therapeutic for me and sometimes I think this blog is the best therapy i could get. It allows me to translate my fears and thoughts into something that makes sense and that makes others gain more insight into their own lives. I know I wont change the world with this blog but all the emails I have received over the past year about how a certain entry resonated with someone...well it just makes my day.
So I met with the Head of Surgery yesterday and she was great. It is funny how I can meet my oncologist and come out thinking I will surely die but meeting her I come out and feel lighter and more positive. She explains everything so well and I feel like she believes in me. We talked through my whole situation and the uniqueness of it. Being unique in the cancer world just isnt always the best thing. I have been trying to process all the different information concerning my diagnosis and subsequent risks and it can be quite confusing. And it isnt like I am deciding between buying a blue or grey car here. This is my life. I think I struggle with the fact that to gain something I need to give up another thing and that is just plain hard. I just dont feel like giving anything else up right now but as the title of this blog suggests - I am also in no mood to gamble. When you look at the odds around my original diagnosis (age, type, etc...) there were very very low - less then 5%. So when you have been utterly screwed by the stats fairy you suddenly dont feel so ready to roll the dice again. I know it can be hard for some to understand why I am choosing what I am but I just cant live in the shades of grey and the fear of something else happening is something that I think may torture me. I think alot of it comes down to the fact that I am a mother and a wife. I owe it to those two people to do what is possible to minimise risk. I cant be selfish and try to chase a dream that may or may not work out. My responsibility is to be here now and be here for the people standing right in front of me. I think I am understanding more and more what is means to be a mother. You give up things that break your heart in two but you do it out of love. You do it because really there isnt any other way. I want to be here for her. That is what being a mother is.
So it looks like things will be scheduled in month or so and then I can finally close the chapter on this awful time. I am so keen to get on with my life and really start living. It will be very unpleasant but pain is temporary and peace of mind...infinite.
So it looks like I will be going from OBB to NBB! (I have the give credit to my husband for that clever new name - jeg elsker deg alltid).
OBB
So I got all sorts of ideas for this mornings blog while walking home from dropping my daughter off at daycare. I often find my inspiration this way as I saunter through the icy streets of my neighborhood thinking about this and that. I have alot on my mind these days. My heart always aches when I transfer my spider monkey into the arms of the daycare worker as I notice her bottom lip start to quiver and her eyes fill with tears. She tries so hard not to cry and her bravery moves me. It takes some inner strength to walk away but I am always comforted in the knowledge that seconds later she will be running around having a jolly old time.
Okay so where are we at? I wanted to thank you for some lovely comments from last weeks post about my wonderful mother. She is doing brilliantly and we are so looking forward to our reunion in a few short weeks. Writing the entry itself was so therapeutic for me and sometimes I think this blog is the best therapy i could get. It allows me to translate my fears and thoughts into something that makes sense and that makes others gain more insight into their own lives. I know I wont change the world with this blog but all the emails I have received over the past year about how a certain entry resonated with someone...well it just makes my day.
So I met with the Head of Surgery yesterday and she was great. It is funny how I can meet my oncologist and come out thinking I will surely die but meeting her I come out and feel lighter and more positive. She explains everything so well and I feel like she believes in me. We talked through my whole situation and the uniqueness of it. Being unique in the cancer world just isnt always the best thing. I have been trying to process all the different information concerning my diagnosis and subsequent risks and it can be quite confusing. And it isnt like I am deciding between buying a blue or grey car here. This is my life. I think I struggle with the fact that to gain something I need to give up another thing and that is just plain hard. I just dont feel like giving anything else up right now but as the title of this blog suggests - I am also in no mood to gamble. When you look at the odds around my original diagnosis (age, type, etc...) there were very very low - less then 5%. So when you have been utterly screwed by the stats fairy you suddenly dont feel so ready to roll the dice again. I know it can be hard for some to understand why I am choosing what I am but I just cant live in the shades of grey and the fear of something else happening is something that I think may torture me. I think alot of it comes down to the fact that I am a mother and a wife. I owe it to those two people to do what is possible to minimise risk. I cant be selfish and try to chase a dream that may or may not work out. My responsibility is to be here now and be here for the people standing right in front of me. I think I am understanding more and more what is means to be a mother. You give up things that break your heart in two but you do it out of love. You do it because really there isnt any other way. I want to be here for her. That is what being a mother is.
So it looks like things will be scheduled in month or so and then I can finally close the chapter on this awful time. I am so keen to get on with my life and really start living. It will be very unpleasant but pain is temporary and peace of mind...infinite.
So it looks like I will be going from OBB to NBB! (I have the give credit to my husband for that clever new name - jeg elsker deg alltid).
OBB
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Mothers and Daughters
“A daughter is a little girl who grows up to be a friend.” ~Author Unknown
I have something very important to talk about today but first things first. Update with me – well I am officially 32 years old now. Does it feel different? Not entirely but I am happy to be one year older, one year wiser and one year riche in life experience. I just got back from the doctor (the normal GP type) and feel a little on edge. I went to see her after having foot pain for months and of course worried perhaps my pain was due to a nasty C monster. It was unlikely I know but as I told her suddenly I feel like every ache and pain is suspect. Nothing is nothing anymore. She was very nice about it all and told me to come whenever I wanted if only to just talk. I do feel like I can talk to her more freely then my oncologist who I suddenly freeze in front of whenever we meet because I am always waiting for him to tell me something bad. When I finally admitted to him on our last meeting how scared and worried I was, he was surprised. He remarked how I always appeared so calm and in control. I think you mean quietly terrified Doctor!! So I told my normal doctor about all my fears surrounding my cancer returning and how everyone is deliberately vague about my long term prognosis. I didn’t want to know percentages about survival rates etc… how would that help me? When I have done everything possible there is to do why torture myself with a mathematical calculation? How would that number change my life? And each person and each cancer is so different - look at Lance Armstrong – odds and percentages meant nothing to him. So why limit myself to obsessing over the result of some formula and letting it define me? If you could know your chances for living or dying – would you want to know? My doctor agreed with my desire to stay in the dark but a part of me wondered if she agreed because she knew it was bad. I know it is so silly and utterly unproductive to think this way but it is also impossible to not given the situation. So here I am sitting a little uneasily wondering what sort of lifeline the fates have woven for me.
So onto happier things. Now for some of you this wont be a huge surprise but for others it might be a shock. If you recall I have intermittently mentioned a certain Captain AC who joined me on my cancer journey following her own diagnosis. I never revealed exactly who she was except that she was incredibly important to me. I felt it was fitting on the eve of her last trip to the C-Spa to give her some of the spotlight because she is also a pink warrior who has fought many a battle. Maybe the title of my blog is a tip off but the true identity of my captain is in fact my mother. Yes my mother and I have been undergoing breast cancer treatment together. What are the odds? She found out three months after me and said she probably wouldn’t have been so vigilant had I not been diagnosed 3 months earlier. Talk about the definition of mother daughter bonding however…in the most morbid way. Suddenly I was the one giving her advice on all things cancer which was strange but also oddly comforting. It was good to be able to share tips and I think it helped her to know that I indeed knew exactly how she was feeling. But this was not how either of us wanted things to be. And one of the hardest parts of this was that neither of us could physically be there for one another. I know when I called my mother at 3am in Vancouver in hysterics to tell her my news, she would come be with me and she was there 6 days later. So when she told me it was so difficult to not be able to do the same thing. I wanted to sit there, hold her hand and tell her everything would be okay. However both of us were landlocked by this cancer beast and it was so frustrating. I do think that had my mother been diagnosed when I hadn’t been through my own Big C journey, it would have been much more difficult to comprehend. But I had been there and knew she had caught it early and she would get through it. Sometimes I wonder if I have actually been able to comprehend that my mother is indeed ill. Both of us are focusing so hard on surviving and getting through our treatments that it is hard to even think about things that aren’t in the immediate present. But despite her own battle, she has remained a rock to me on this tumultuous journey and it is often her who hears my uncensored thoughts and fears. I couldn’t imagine life without her and I can safely say she shares these sentiments about me too. What we have been through has been utterly horrific but in a weird way it was good to have one another. To totally understand the emotional rollercoaster of treatment, the physical demands, the frustrations and the newfound identity of being a cancer patient. She often remarks to me how impressed she is with how I have coped with everything this past year but I would like to remind her that it is she who brought me up and helped shape me into the person I am today. I am a survivor because I learned from the best. Congratulations to you Captain on getting to this major milestone. I love you.
Your daughter,
OBB
I have something very important to talk about today but first things first. Update with me – well I am officially 32 years old now. Does it feel different? Not entirely but I am happy to be one year older, one year wiser and one year riche in life experience. I just got back from the doctor (the normal GP type) and feel a little on edge. I went to see her after having foot pain for months and of course worried perhaps my pain was due to a nasty C monster. It was unlikely I know but as I told her suddenly I feel like every ache and pain is suspect. Nothing is nothing anymore. She was very nice about it all and told me to come whenever I wanted if only to just talk. I do feel like I can talk to her more freely then my oncologist who I suddenly freeze in front of whenever we meet because I am always waiting for him to tell me something bad. When I finally admitted to him on our last meeting how scared and worried I was, he was surprised. He remarked how I always appeared so calm and in control. I think you mean quietly terrified Doctor!! So I told my normal doctor about all my fears surrounding my cancer returning and how everyone is deliberately vague about my long term prognosis. I didn’t want to know percentages about survival rates etc… how would that help me? When I have done everything possible there is to do why torture myself with a mathematical calculation? How would that number change my life? And each person and each cancer is so different - look at Lance Armstrong – odds and percentages meant nothing to him. So why limit myself to obsessing over the result of some formula and letting it define me? If you could know your chances for living or dying – would you want to know? My doctor agreed with my desire to stay in the dark but a part of me wondered if she agreed because she knew it was bad. I know it is so silly and utterly unproductive to think this way but it is also impossible to not given the situation. So here I am sitting a little uneasily wondering what sort of lifeline the fates have woven for me.
So onto happier things. Now for some of you this wont be a huge surprise but for others it might be a shock. If you recall I have intermittently mentioned a certain Captain AC who joined me on my cancer journey following her own diagnosis. I never revealed exactly who she was except that she was incredibly important to me. I felt it was fitting on the eve of her last trip to the C-Spa to give her some of the spotlight because she is also a pink warrior who has fought many a battle. Maybe the title of my blog is a tip off but the true identity of my captain is in fact my mother. Yes my mother and I have been undergoing breast cancer treatment together. What are the odds? She found out three months after me and said she probably wouldn’t have been so vigilant had I not been diagnosed 3 months earlier. Talk about the definition of mother daughter bonding however…in the most morbid way. Suddenly I was the one giving her advice on all things cancer which was strange but also oddly comforting. It was good to be able to share tips and I think it helped her to know that I indeed knew exactly how she was feeling. But this was not how either of us wanted things to be. And one of the hardest parts of this was that neither of us could physically be there for one another. I know when I called my mother at 3am in Vancouver in hysterics to tell her my news, she would come be with me and she was there 6 days later. So when she told me it was so difficult to not be able to do the same thing. I wanted to sit there, hold her hand and tell her everything would be okay. However both of us were landlocked by this cancer beast and it was so frustrating. I do think that had my mother been diagnosed when I hadn’t been through my own Big C journey, it would have been much more difficult to comprehend. But I had been there and knew she had caught it early and she would get through it. Sometimes I wonder if I have actually been able to comprehend that my mother is indeed ill. Both of us are focusing so hard on surviving and getting through our treatments that it is hard to even think about things that aren’t in the immediate present. But despite her own battle, she has remained a rock to me on this tumultuous journey and it is often her who hears my uncensored thoughts and fears. I couldn’t imagine life without her and I can safely say she shares these sentiments about me too. What we have been through has been utterly horrific but in a weird way it was good to have one another. To totally understand the emotional rollercoaster of treatment, the physical demands, the frustrations and the newfound identity of being a cancer patient. She often remarks to me how impressed she is with how I have coped with everything this past year but I would like to remind her that it is she who brought me up and helped shape me into the person I am today. I am a survivor because I learned from the best. Congratulations to you Captain on getting to this major milestone. I love you.
Your daughter,
OBB
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