Saturday, October 26, 2013

Great Expectations

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.” Isaac Asimov

I am sitting at the desk in my room up on a hilltop away from the rest of the world. You cannot even see the lake that curls around the building because of the heavy dense fog today. The weather perhaps best matches my kind of mental state - heavy and low. I am on day four of my rehab adventure and things are not going quite the way i had intended. I don´t know if my expectations were wrong and I was off the mark by expecting a happy go lucky place where the rooms were like a hotel, there were spa like treatments and the people warm and open. But this has much more of an institutional feel and I am really finding the whole experience challenging. I pride myself on being fairly open and friendly and can make friends pretty much wherever i go but this is a whole other level. In addition the fact that the staff have not been able to actually give me a plan for my stay until next week and I am one of the few that are not allocated to a group, makes it even tougher. Life revolves around groups here and there is little mingling outside of them. There is the muscle skeletal group, the back group, the heart group...and so on...And then there are the few islands like me who float along on their own but it seems those who are "lone rangers" are quite happy to exist on their own and keep to themselves. Hermits is perhaps an accurate description. No joke - I had a man who sits at my table actually put his hand over his face while he ate to avoid making any eye contact for me. But for me - being plucked out of your comfort zone and put in a new different place away from the people you love, having all of life´s normal distractions gone and being pretty much on your own, is my idea of a nightmare. I think most of you, despite what you say, would freak out too.  And let me tell you - time alone with your thoughts after having gone through what I have is a dangerous exercise. I am craving common ground - people who get what i am going through and understand what it is like to be so sick and be a parent at the same time. People who have had cancer would be a good starting point. Maybe I didn´t do enough homework before I came or failed to truly understand what an "individual program" meant but this is bloody hard! I know there will always be an element of transition involved in something like this and it is common for people to freak out abit when they first arrive here but I am struggling to see what benefits I am getting from being here right now. I know I am impatient and my illness has made me even more so as I am so angry at the time I feel has been taken from me and I want my life to start again right now. But I feel low here and am surrounded by people who seem much worse off them me. I can sit and talk with them and there are definitely some nice people here but they don´t understand my situation nor do I theirs. And I don´t think I am being that over dramatic because I was adopted by the Lung-Emphysema group who felt so bad for me eating alone and not having anyone to do anything with. Very sweet of them and I am ever so grateful for their kindness but this is not what i signed up for and I can´t relate to them. And last night the resident doctor took me under his wing and invited me to dine with the nurses and physios seeing as most of the time no one sits at my assigned table. When I brought my tray of baked fish and boiled potatoes (there is no chance I will be putting on any weight here!) over, the physio said to me "Oh are you a visiting medical student?" God how I wish i could have said yes - anything feels better then being a patient.

In my discussions with the kind Danish Doctor with the big beard, he has asked me lots of questions and listened to my difficulties in transitioning to life here. He even offered to drive to the closest city to pick up my husband and daughter to come visit me. What a sweet guy! But I told him that if they came now I would most definitely pack up and leave with them. I told him that a big part of me doesnt want to give up and feels so silly and embarassed for wanting to pack up and go home with my tail between my legs. It isn´t me - i am a fighter and I thrive on new adventures and experiences. But this feels so uncomfortable and all I can think about is my family that I am not with. I knew it would be hard to be away but not this hard. My husband tells me that I am not in prison and can decide what i want to do and he is ready to come break me out of here as soon as I send the sign. But I am reluctant because I want to try and tough it out. I guess you need to try and find something positive out of every experience (FYI - the Danish doctor disagrees with that statement). I am trying really hard to do just that and rest, do nice activities, etc...but maybe this isn´t me. Becoming a patient again surrounded by people in reduced capacities isn´t exactly the most empowering environment. I am so desperate for my life to get going again and it feels like groundhog day here. My advisor (the doctor) tells me that I am someone who needs to learn to slow down more and put myself first and being here is doing exactly that but I just don´t know if I can stick it out. I am so conflicted. I do feel like one of the only things keeping me here right now is a fear of defeat and of people thinking I am crazy for not enjoying this opportunity I have been given. i know lots of people would give their right arm to unplug for a few weeks away from everyday life but I just don´t know. Being away from my family is hard and I need to feel like it is worth it. Right now I don´t know. I don´t know alot right now. So as you can see things haven´t quite worked out the way i had imagined - there is an internal struggle ensuing inside me. And I don´t know which way it will go.

A Conflicted OBB

9 comments:

  1. OBB: You are in a touch situation! I empathize with everything you are feeling. The program doesn't sound structured enough nor supportive enough. It kind of sounds like solitary confinement!

    I totally get how you feel. Time is precious, and rather than feeling recharged (because there isn't enough structure) you feel like you are wasting that precious time.

    When we unplog (no matter for how long) and are finally alone with our thoughts post-cancer, it can be a very frightening thing. You're kind of out there on a moat, facing your mortality. Alone. I get that the professionals want you to decompress and slow down. But you need tools in order to do that. I am glad you have your blog and can write. That is a great tool. But you need more tools. Are there therapists or counselors who can help talk you through what you're feeling?

    I'm sorry there are not more (or any other!) people in that environment who have cancer. My only suggestion is to go back to the people running the program and tell them they need to find you another young mother who is also there. At least you could bond over those similarities.

    Keep being open to this experience. Keep writing. Take walks. Make lists. Write letters to your daughter, your husband. Get in touch with the love and gratitude you have for them. Write more letters to other family members. Not goodbye letters, but letters like you'd send home if you were away at camp.

    Which of course you are not. BUT, look for the humor in this situation. How kind of crazy it is that you've been thrown into this situation with people who seem to have nothing in common with your situation. And then let yourself laugh about it! Laugh, have fun, nap, sleep (Gosh I hope they are letting you sleep!).

    {{{Hugs}}} to you — you know, I admire you and how brave you are for trying out this program. Give it a little more time. Get in touch with that little girl that lives inside of you, and tell her you will protect her, just as you tell your daughter you'll protect her. I have found this technique of talking to my little girl self very healing and comforting and soothing. Maybe it will help you too. Ask that inner little girl why she feels so conflicted about being there. Ask her what's going on. Then find a way to sooth her fears.

    If you ever need to chat, just post a comment on my blog. I see those right away. I'm pulling for you, as are many others. Keep writing.
    xoxoxo

    PS Sorry this is so long!

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    1. Dear Renn, Apologies it has taken me ages to actually respond to your incredibly well thought out and detailed comment. You really do have the best insights and suggestions on things. It is so true that the opportunity to unplug is so rare these days and many people go through their lives not be able to do it. I do see now how much I got out of the experience and there was definitely humourous moments in there. I met some great people. had time to rest and realised where I was going wrong in terms of my recovery. I am definiitely a work in progress. Thank you for being here for me and always knowing what to say. This community of bloggers is still new for me and it is amazing to see how much love there is in it. WIll definiltey send out the bat signal Renn. OBB xxx

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  2. Jeg følte som deg når jeg var på rehab. Etter 1 uke orket jeg ikke mer, jeg dro hjem. Ble liksom både fysisk og psykisk syk av å være der, selv om personalet gjorde alt de kunne for å få alle til å trives. Jeg var i tillegg i en gruppe, dobbelt så gamle som meg selv, de hadde hjerte- og karsykdommer - ingen med kreftdiagnose - og ingen å snakke med på kveldstid når jeg trengte det mest, de andre så på TV og hygget seg. Lykke til OBB, det er ingen skam å snu ;-)

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    1. Hei, Takk for din beskjed og kommentar. Jeg tenker din erfaring og min var veldig like. Like det siste år i livet mitt - det var noen feil og dårlig tidspunkt. Jeg er en sosialt person hvem liker snakker med andre i same situasjon og jeg hadde ikke dette mulighet der. Men jeg kan se at jeg har lært noen viktig ting etter en uke der. Takk for å lese. :)

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  3. Dear Kate, I can sense the tension and internal struggle inside you. It's natural to feel great disappointment when you are expecting quite much yet nothing seems to go your way. Don't let the fear of "defeat" haunt you. The more you expect something great will happen, the more you will not be at peace with yourself. We know you are a great fighter and you always thrive on new adventures and experiences. Feeling uncomfortable away from home and your loved ones is very natural. However, if you choose to stay, you need to make an effort to stop thinking about your family for a short period of time. Your goal in this individualized program is to focus on yourself, your well being, your mental and physical improvement. Perhaps the advisor (the doctor)'s comment is right: you need to learn to slow down more and put yourself first. Try to let go and let nature takes its course. If something great comes up ultimately and satisfy your expectations, be thankful. If not, take it as another learning/training experience and accept the outcome. Keep on struggling is not healthy. At least, you can perhaps take this opportunity and time to meditate, relax, eat nutritiously, rest, and stay away from the husstling-buzzling routine that you used to have and will be facing again when you return home. I am sure your little daughter and hubby will be just fine without you at home. I have learned to accept that "nothing and nobody is indispensible." in my life. The way I look at things and react can make a difference which helps me feel better. We create our own happiness amidst unpleasant happenings, we need to be at peace with ourselves. Sorry, I don't mean to lecture, but sincerely hope that you will find a way out. Cheer up dear! May true lights and abundant grace accompany you as you walk ahead! Take care, love yourself!
    Hugs and Prayers

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    1. Dear Survivor, Thank you again for your pearls of wisdom and insights into my struggle. I decided at the end of the day that one week was enough for me and that this place probably wasnt the right place for me. For so much of my cancer experience - I have often felt so out of place in the hospital and different because I was so young and it was the same here. But like most things I have faced lately, I did not leave empty handed and came away with a new perspective and lease on life. I do realise how much control I have over my life and how I choose to live it. If I am worn out, it is because I am doing too much. The time to change is now because we both know how precious life is. Thank u for ure continued support and love, OBB xxx

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  4. dear kate,

    I know it must be so hard to be away from your family on top of not having anyone there with whom you can relate to. and that guy who covered his face - WTF??? but maybe by Monday, things will be better when there is a definite plan given to you and you will have a chance to ask questions and re-evaluate whether or not to stay or go. in the meantime, please know I am thinking of you and sending BIG hope, along with loads of gentle hugs and...

    much love, and light to help you find your way,

    Karen, xoxoxoxo

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    1. My dear Karen, Yes you are right. I thought the same when I encountered this guy. But maybe he was struggling even more then me thinking about it after the fact. However awkwardness like that is utterly exhausting to exist in. Things got better but a week was enough for me and I came away from it better. But to be away from my family, especially after everything, I need to feel like it is really really working and I am gaining something invaluable from the experience - time is just too precious to me. I definiitely did get some giggles from it and met some lovely people (aside from the people who refused to speak to me!). Hope you are keeping well. Love and hugs, OBB xxx

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  5. Sometimes things look good and work out and sometimes they just don't. In spite of the beautiful location and the intention to heal, this environment does not seem to do much for you. Maybe it's just time to cut your losses and head home. Probably a week of this rest is enough to catch up on sleep. Eh? Get a refund and go get some acupuncture and massage. Slowing down is a good concept though. Take that with you. Not much conflict as I see it.

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