The Long Road Back

This may be a new record - days short of a full month without an entry! I think after my last one which was so massive and epic, I needed time to let it all sink in and process. Hearing that news was such a shock and signalled the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Both my husband and I took some time out  to adjust to the news as we had both prepared for such a very different outcome. No one wants to hear bad things but when you think something is going one way, it can rattle you to hear something else. That is one of the many things I have learned from my waltz with cancer - it totally fucks with your head and makes you react the opposite of normal. You can feel slightly lost because suddenly you actually need to get on with your life. No more pauses or stops, I have to pick up the pieces of my life again and start rebuilding the foundation  brick by brick.It can be scary too - cancer can also be comforting in a weird way because of the routine nature of it and the lack of expectations. When you have cancer, people expect very little of you and let´s face it - people are extra nice to you and put very few demands on you, and that can be quite nice. Now that everyone knew that I was cancer free did my cancer safety net disappear like all those cancer cells did? I know and all those cancer survivors know that my journey to recovery is still far from over and just because the cancer is gone, the person I was before may never return fully. The treatments I have been through, two rounds so close together, ravages your body and my doctors have said I may never be the same again. We don´t know but I know the limitations my body still has and I worry that others will quickly forget that the healthier and better I look. I hate myself alittle as I read that last sentence back because it sounds so weak and cowardly. Like I am already making excuses and still living through my cancer even though I dont have it anymore. A very dear old friend perhaps put my thoughts to words best when she wrote this to me last month before we even knew everything was okay:

"Know that when that scan comes back clear, only then will you allow yourself to move past the "girl with cancer" phase of your life behind and be who you are now. But you don´t have to entirely leave her behind as she´s made you who you are today...Nor do you have to leave behind all your friends, support team and other methods of support that have gotten you through this phase. As the next phase of life develops, other support systems will come into your life and the cancer ones will fall further and further back into the periphery. You don´t have to automatically be completely without them. Right now you can´t imagine life without them as they have been your life. But just look at how well you´ve adapted to and thrived in all other phases of your life. New phases brought new wonders into your life. The only reason you dont know who you will be when that scan come sback clear is because you haven´t allowed yourself to dream it yet. But know that you will know what to do and who you want to be. You will walk down that road and it will be more than interesting enough to keep us all reading. "

She really captured it all so perfectly and so eloquently. Just some of the many reasons why I love her.

After nearly a month, the dust has settled and I am allowing myself to be more excited about the future. I cannot tell you the joy I took in walking into work and telling everyone (with 100% honesty) that I was cancer free. It felt good and I felt like I could finally allow myself to rebuild that part of my life without worry for the tomorrows. When I told my daughter that mommy was better and that she wouldnt be going to the hospital too often from now on, I felt genuinely relieved. I had bought myself more time - time where I didn´t need to worry about whether I would be here for her. And spending time in Canada with my family was just priceless. The best trip I had perhaps ever had back.  It had been years since we had all been together (well before the cancer crap hit) and it was so fitting that the first time we were all reunited, we were also able to celebrate my remission. Many glasses were raised - despite my taking about 2 hours to finish a single glass! Oh how times have changed. :) I could see the relief in my family´s eyes especially my mom´s who I think was so terrified by how ill I was the last time she saw me. Of course she never showed her fear to me but I knew it was there. I am her baby and she is my mother - no mother should see her baby suffer. And my Cancierge - he is happy with the news but also adjusting to a new normal. I think we often forget how affected others are by the cancer experience and he has been my loyal partner in crime through it all though rarely showing his stripes. He never had to tell me because I knew how scared he was of losing me. Thankfully I hope we have many many years left together to make up for the last few years of hell.

I know this is one hurdle overcome in a long, long race and that we are still very far from the finish line. However it is a noted victory that I will never ever forget. Cancer is far too greedy and takes far too many good people so any opportunity to get one over on it, is a victory in my eyes. I just wish so many others had been given the same chance as I am to live again. Cancer is ruthless and wicked. But I wont forget how the odds were stacked against us, the numbers  were not good and no one knew how this would play out - yet we still won. I think this just might have restored my faith in things actually working out. It ain´t all bad.

Hugs,

OBB  

Read This

On my way to bed last night I stopped by my daughters´room and kneeled down by her bedside. I listened to her breath in and out - little whistling sounds and studied the look of utter peace across her face. Like many mothers, I could sit and watch my child sleep for hours. I whispered in her ear "Mama loves you soooo much. You will always be my baby no matter what." I nearly choked on the last words as a tear trickled down my cheek when I thought about the possibility of not having the chance to be her mother as she grew up. It just made me feel physically ill - thinking about losing out on that experience of molding the child I had created. Because you see - last night when I went to bed I didn´t know what was going to happen today. All I knew was that my doctor had asked me to come in to get the results from Tuesday´s scan. So many scenarios swirled around in my head and most of them were of course horrifically awful. So when I dropped her off at daycare this morning,  I wondered about whether this would be a major moment - the last moment where things would still be normal and that maybe, just maybe when I returned to pick her up again things would be so unbelievably different.

But...

It seems that life has finally given us hope and a lifeline. After three years of disapointments and crushing defeats, we have finally claimed a victory against the Big C. When I saw my doctor wave us in, he smiled - in that comforting "everything is going to be okay" kind of way. Because to be honest I had been close to hyperventilating in the waiting room. We sat down and he said that things actually looked quite good. I think both my husband and I were in shock as after what we have been through, we pretty much had prepared ourselves for the worst. But it seems that the hell I went through last year paid off and there is...Drum roll people - NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE!!!!! Yes that is right folks - I am officially and medically speaking cancer free. It feels good to say it and know it is true. I have earned my second survivorship pin with a PET scan to prove it. I think we should go out and buy a lottery ticket because we definitely have beat the odds on this one and kicked the stats out of the water. I was the first breast cancer patient in Norway to receive this kind of treatment and I am happy to be a success story. It feels fantastic and though my doctor is far from the emotional vocal type, I think he is pretty pleased that he managed to rid my body of this dreaded disease. Of course this is cancer we are talking about so the road doesnt end here and we have many more of these scans to get through but getting through one is reason enough to feel relieved and ecstatic. We did it everybody! See - cancer doesnt always win. :)

There are other things to discuss but I will save those for another day because today is simply going to be the day I was told that I kicked cancer´s ass. So what do I take from this whole life altering experience? Well - as cheesy as it sounds, you really can´t ever give up or stop hoping for things to get better. In just 6 months, I went from wanting to stop chemo because I felt like it was killing me (ironic choice of words) to celebrating slaying the C-dragon to the ground and being able to look at my future with confidence instead of fear. And I finally get to go to Canada! Woohoo!

It is Thursday which I think is acceptably close enough to the weekend to warrant cracking open some champers or wine. So please raise your glass with me and let´s all say together - FUCK CANCER!

Thank you again to all of you who helped me through this latest saga. Friends and family really are the best things a person can have and I think life would be empty and meaningless without them.

Here are some visual reminders:

Love from a super happy cancer free OBB!!!

Six Digits Later - Part 2

Hi Again,

Just to let you know that I made a few revisions to Part 1 -please check it out again.

So Part 2 of my six digit celebration involves hearing what some special friends have to say about the past few years. It was hard to decide who to ask to spill their heart as there have been so many amazing people supporting me on this tough road. I decided to look at the three main parts of my life - the early years, the London years and my present Norsk life. I asked three girlfriends to write about how my illness has impacted our friendship, what more they learnt about cancer and any advice they had for others. What came out of this exercise was beautiful emotion, touching memories and a whole lot of love. I wish I could have included little snippets from the thousands of messages I have received via this blog over the past few years but I will save that for the book. :)

"I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff." Jon Katz

My life is so rich because of the people that are in it and I appreciate these three ladies putting their emotions on their sleeves. Not everyone is as comfortable putting it all out there so thank you.

1) The Montreal Years by Lara

Kate and I met as 4 year olds in a local preschool program. For those blog readers out there that don’t know Kate personally, you should know that she has an amazing sense of humor, and to this day, can make me laugh until I cry. One of our favorite things to do when we were young was to stage very dramatic, fictional skits. And looking back, some of the scenarios we came up with were downright bizarre. We invented a very intricate storyline about two old women named “Milly and Tilly” (played by us) who were essentially cranky old biddies who made fun of one another and screamed off the porch at (imaginary) neighborhood kids. We coerced my two little brothers to play their unfortunate husbands, and would rope them into what we thought was our hilarious game by barking orders at them to “make us lemonade” etc. To our parents’ credit, this somehow did not alarm them.

Kate and I are very different. By 12 years old, Kate was close to 6 feet tall, and I was about 4 ft. 5. She has older siblings, and knew the “ways of the world” before I did. She had already fallen in love by the time I was getting fitted for my headgear. And I am a land mammal, while Kate on the other hand was born to be in the water. She was a nationally ranked swimmer and incredibly strong and fast in the water. I never heard her complain about the long hours at the pool, the early wake ups in the middle of winter, and having to juggle schoolwork with swimming. (She did however have a way of getting people to massage her back and shoulders  - often.) Kate was focused and dedicated, but humble. She never took herself too seriously to have fun, laugh, and celebrate her friends’ triumphs. We had so much fun together, and there are so many memories … of food fights, bike rides, listening to music in her room, and dreaming together about what life had in store for us. Neither of us could have imagined that she would get cancer at 31.

I was planning a one-year move to Sweden when I heard from Kate in early 2011 that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Let me just pause here to emphasize that cancer sucks, and I hate everything about it. But in a way, Kate’s diagnosis brought us closer together. During Kate’s first round of treatment, I was only a bus ride away from her after years of living on separate sides of the country or world. It turns out that all the memories had been waiting there like little seeds in the ground and before long, a new friendship had grown out of the old one. I am so grateful for that.

When I spend time with Kate, I am aware of every version of her, past and present. The wide-eyed child, the comedian, the poet, the romantic, the fierce competitor, the intelligent woman, the ambitious professional, the adventurous spirit, the lover of life, the mother, the wife. And always, the loyal friend. What I have learned from being Kate’s friend throughout two cancer diagnoses and rounds of treatment is that cancer does not define a person. Cancer does not sum up who Kate is (it couldn’t if it tried!) even though it has done everything in its power to take over. I have learned that thoughtful questions are often more supportive than advice. I have learned how to hold hope when sitting with a friend in the dark places. I’ve learned that there is such a thing as a badly timed joke, but that laughter is ALWAYS good. And I think our make believe game about being old women was just practice for the day when we’ll sit on a porch somewhere with white hair and lined faces, and make each other laugh.

2) The London Years by Charlotte

What do you write about your friend who has cancer? She is brave, she is beautiful and she is OBB. Now oBB. She is also honest, afraid, and vulnerable. That's what I've learned from having a best friend battling cancer, it's a constant tale of 2 halves that give as quickly as they take away. It breaks your heart, yet the fight gives you hope, and it leaves you angry whilst showing you depths of friendship and love you never knew possible. You'd never wish the experiences Kate's been through on anyone but it has taught me huge amounts; and in many ways it has given our already wonderful friendship strength to be forever treasured.
Kate and I met in London almost 9 years ago and we lived a very happy, sometimes scandalous, few years together! London brought Atle and Kate together and I watched her grow into a woman ready to be a wife and mother. Looking back, yes we were close, but in some respects we were in danger of our friendship becoming another transient relationship that you often find in London, great fun but once distance (such as Kate moving to Oslo) is added into the mix, the depth of friendship can waver. However, when Kate was first diagnosed, we became closer than ever. Cancer can take an enormous amount away from you, but it gave us a solidarity that now nothing will ever change.

The London days now feel like a lifetime ago, Kate, Atle, and Ida have been through so much since then and I've seen my darling friend go through pain, heartbreak, and unimaginable fear with dignity and unwavering love for those around her. Her writing has allowed us into her deepest thoughts, and her ability to create hope and humour out of some of her worst experiences has inspired others fighting this awful disease. As her friend, I've felt my own array of emotions during this time from enormous amounts of pride and respect, to deep sadness and anger on her behalf. I've also felt terribly selfish at times but I've learned that's ok. It's ok to continue your life as best you can and enjoy it. Kate would hate it if we were all miserable on her account. It's ok to tell her to pull herself together on the rare occasions she has truly dark days and it's ok to cry tears for her and for you because you are going through this too. That's the thing with cancer, it doesn't just happen to the person diagnosed, it's a team effort and everyone close to that person is affected and is allowed to feel their own pain from it.

My advice to anyone in a supporting role would simply be to appreciate there are no hard and fast rules on what to do, you won't always be perfect and you won't always get it right, you'll say the wrong thing sometimes and you'll inevitably not know what to do most of the time. Just be there, listen, stay true to your friendship (because it'll keep you both sane) and have your own support network you can fall on when you need to break down.

Kate, you have always been the most wonderful friend and in the face of real adversity you have remained one of the people I rely on most in the world. You've been mid-chemo and checking in to make sure I am ok, you've worked tirelessly to ensure you remain the wife and mother Atle and Ida need. You've helped create the woman I now am by teaching me about true courage and valor, my respect for you is endless. We are both far from perfect but I'd argue our fun, honest, unquestionable friendship is, and for that I am eternally grateful. We are no longer the carefree girls from those distant London days, we are young women with battle scars of varying degrees that make us people I admire.
Atle, thank you for being the man who loves my friend. Ida, you are a delight in every way and you bring joy to us all. Every piece of love and sense of pride I have for Kate, I have for you both also in equal measure.

3) The New Friend

We were still getting to know each other when Kate was diagnosed with cancer. Being a scientist of some sort, I knew about Herceptin, the BRCA genes and the problems with mammography screening, but I was completely naïve about the particular issues faced by young women with breast cancer.  I saw my (new) friend make difficult decisions like foregoing immediate breast reconstruction, as it would mean precious weeks where she would not be able to cuddle her baby.  I saw how she sat and held and loved my new baby while facing great uncertainty about her own ability to conceive again.  I saw how over and over again, time away from her child was one of the worst consequences of her treatment.  There have been many many nights when I have been up with my own sleepless, screaming children and have felt an immense gratitude for being present, for being able to care for them.  If it hadn’t been for Kate´s example, I likely would not have found this grace.

Finding ways to support Kate since her diagnosis has been easy.  Although she often uses humor to communicate what she is going through, you can hear what she really needs if you listen carefully enough. And by listen I mean listen in the broad sense – to the silences, the hesitations, the body language. I also recognize that Kate´s needs are often (always!) bigger than what one person can help with alone – so I often reach out to her other friends (and not only the closest ones) – and tell them the specific ways I think we can help.

It is natural and perhaps necessary that friendships evolve when someone is facing a major illness.  Shortly before Kate started treatment, I remember saying “I know I am not your best friend in the world but I am going to try to act like I am.”  I have definitely tried to live up to that, and in doing so gained Kate as one of my best friends in the world.

After the Rain...A Rainbow Appears

I wanted to give you all an update on things in my life. Another week has gone by and thankfully there havent been any medical emergencies. Now that's a first! A boring week is just what we needed in our house. I have been so tired lately, feeling anxious and having such terrible pain throughout my body. I am really feeling the chemo‘s effect on my joints even down to my fingers - everything feels like it has been through the wars and it is frustrating. Not to mention the fact that my fingers go white and numb when I walk outside for literally a minute or even while eating a cold apple. I will need arctic down mittens before Halloween even arrives! Oh happy fun chemo side effects.

I think anger has been the theme of the week. It was almost like this whole nightmare with my sick leave coverage acted as a catalyst for unleashing all my anger over everything that has happened. I felt like all of my problems stemmed back to one thing - CANCER! I think I have managed to stay fairly calm throughout the last few years and accepted much of what was thrown my way. Anger was not something I felt much of but lately it is all I feel. I am angry at the time I feel has taken from me. I am angry at all the side effects I am living with that may or may not ever go away. I am angry that i cannot just get up tomorrow morning and go to work like most people. I am angry that even though i have been to hell and back, I have no guarantees over what the future holds for me. It all just seems to unfair. You know I think a lot of people especially young people take for granted the fact that they are able to work. Yes sometimes it can suck but trust me life would be boring without it.  I would give so much to snap my fingers and be able bodied again. With so many issues happening with my body at present, sometimes I get scared that I wont ever be well enough or strong enough to function the way I want to. So yes you can see that things have been challenging as of late.

However my husband and I got such a shock this week that finally allowed us to catch a break.Things were looking so bleak for us in terms of this battle over my sick pay and my husband had been working tirelessly on it for weeks. I was fairly useless in the situation as all I would do is start to cry. We were expecting a defeat because the last few years have been one bad luck scenario after another. And with so many defeats, it can become very difficult to change your mindset and think things will be different. But things are different. They have reversed their ruling and everything is going to be okay! We were both relieved when we found out but also felt oddly deflated by the surprise decision. I think when you expect and prepare for the worst but then get the opposite, there is a bit of an anti-climax reaction. We both thought we would have to keep fighting but suddenly the clouds have cleared and the sun is shining again. I am happy though and I feel like now I can focus on getting better and working my way back slowly the way it needed to happen. I also will be able to focus on my rehabilitation and will be leaving in a week and half to spend 2 weeks at a Cancer Rehabiliation Centre in another part of Norway.The program is individualised and focuses on getting you physically and mentally stronger after treatment. I knew this program was exactly what my body needed but I was so afraid of being away from my family for so long.The actual program is 3 weeks but we managed to get them to allow me to stay for 2. Being away from my little monkey is so tough for me especially when I feel that my future is still so uncertain. You just want to squeeze everything out of every moment and not miss a thing. And as a mother you of course think that both your child and husband will completely fall apart without you there acting as the glue! But of course they will survive and are more then capable of being away from you. It is about time I focus on me - no interruptions, no distractions, no nothing. Because as much as I try to rest at home, it never actually happens. I feel too guilty and just dont want to spend my days in bed. This will be good for me and will make me a better person who will be better equipped to cope with life again.

The road ahead is unknown and we will need all the strength we can to get through the next challenges that come our way. Like that scan that looms in the background - I cant escape the fear of what it represents and how much weight it bears on my life, on my future. Like I told Dr Sunshine yesterday - I just can't do cancer a third time...I just can't.

I wanted to thank so many of you that reached out to us when things were looking bleak over the last few weeks.So many of you have such generous hearts and kind souls and were ready to help in any way you could. It reminds me of all the good in this world and that it isn't all doom and gloom. The love that has surrounded us has been amazing and I want to thank you for showing us what good people there are in our lives. And thank you to my husband for fighting so hard for me. Finally a victory for Team NorCan. I love you.

Love,
OBB

PS We are fast approaching 100,000 visits to this page. Very exciting milestone for me. Thank you for all the support and keep reading.

Not The Weekend We Had Planned

Warning - this is a long story. :)

Well this past weekend was meant to be one of celebration. I had finished my last radiation session on Friday and my husband´s best friend was getting married on Saturday up in the mountains. Everything seemed set for a child free weekend of fun and a glass of bubbly or two. But the gods of fate had other plans for us unfortunately.

I had not had the best of weeks leading up to this past weekend and had spent much of my time feeling exhausted, nauseous and hanging onto the toilet for dear life. The doctors weren´t sure what was going on but chalked it up to nausea related to radiation and general exhaustion. So perhaps I was being over ambitious going to this wedding but I so wanted to participate in something fun and support my husband as best man and of course his friend who served as "minister" for our own wedding. So we went for it and drove the four hours with our friends to this beautiful place in the mountains. I remember saying how I had imposed a hospital ban on myself for at least a month and wanted to reconnect with the world outside of those white sterile walls. Hmmm...had I tempted fate with those words?

So back to my story - the wedding ceremony was beautiful and I fought back tears in a superficial attempt to not ruin my eye makeup. Always the vain one! Afterwards four of us sat in a nearby restaurant waiting for the drinks reception to begin and I suddenly felt a pain in my left shoulder and chest. It came out of the blue and I remarked on it out loud. Not a big deal - probably some pulled muscle or nerve i thought. We made our way to the reception shortly after and chatted with everyone. A short while later, I was sitting at a table beside my husband and a friend and out of the blue, I felt very unwell very quickly. I felt hot and suddenly my heart starting beating a mile a minute and I thought it would beat right out of my chest. I felt I was collapsing and in all honesty, I thought I was dying. My immediate thought went to my father and I thought - "I am going to die the same way he did." Everything becomes alittle cloudy after that and I can´t tell you how long it took for my heart to stop racing. Next thing I was lying on the floor covered in blankets with breathing problems and I couldnt feel my arms or legs. I was so scared and my anxiety went to stratospheric levels which definitely didnt help at all. Luckily there was doctor at the wedding and she was truly amazing and brought me some reassurance. She actually reminded me of Dr Sunshine which helped calm me. The ambulance was called and now all we could do was wait. My body was shaking uncontrollably and I just didn´t know what was happening. My husband was my rock and kept it together so well - not showing a hint of how unbelievably terrified he really was. We were far from anything and that distance was scary. Then I found myself bein wheeled into an ambulance and once they had done enough tests to prove I was stable enough to make the drive to the closest medical centre, we were off. I remember hearing my husband on the phone in the front seat speaking to his father and also our daughter. She asked him if she could talk to mama and he calmly said that I was in the bathroom and couldn´t talk. I think we both had lumps in our throat at that moment.  Forty minutes later, we arrived at a tiny medical centre tucked away in the mountains and after reviewing my complex history, it was not long before we were put back in the ambulance and off on a 1.5 hour trip to the closest major hospital. I started to feel bit better then and the odd sensations were wearing off and I just felt so tired and just plain scared.  We pulled into the hospital and a whole new slew of tests began again. It was kind of funny actually - my husband looking so spiffy in his suit and me with no clothes on but a blanket, seeing as a cocktail dress and heels doesn´t quite lend itself to hospital examinations. We didn´t have anything with us and everything was in a hotel room 2 hours away including phone chargers and toothbrushes!

They began tests to rule out the obvious culprit - a heart attack. Thankfully there appeared to be no signs of that so next was a blood clot. It was then that I got to experience a whole new medical procedure that was so frickin awful! Ever get an arterial blood test? Guess what - it sucks eggs and I was lucky enough to get four attempts at getting a sample. They put a needle into the inside of your wrist until they get to an artery. The anaesthesiologist said it was of the more painful procedures - I can concur on that. I seriously started crying when they told me they needed to do it a third time. My body started shaking uncontrollably after every attempt and the problem is that if your body isn´t relaxed no blood will come out. It truly sucked but as my tough love husband told me at the time - they are doing this for a good reason to find out what is wrong so grin and bear it girl. When that test came back negative, I was sent to intensive care for the night and round the clock heart monitoring. It was 2am by the time we were settled and my husband and I were wiped out. We joked that no one could have picked a better way of getting out of a best man´s speech and that it was one hell of a wedding if one of its guests was in intensive care before the dinner even started! Always gotta find the funny side of everything. So by morning, my heart had been stabile and instead of being picked up by our friends to go home, we were told we were taking another ambulance back to Oslo to be admitted to my "home hospital." The fun continues...So a 2 hour trip and another assessment in Emergency, we found ourselves back in C-Town again. At least it was familiar and all the nurses and doctors knew me and I felt especially pleased that I was not there to get chemo this time. After a good night of sleep, it was time for a round table with the doctors to figure out what the hell happened. They wanted a ultrasound of my heart to rule out damage from treatment but we were most likely looking at an unexplained and spontaneous panic attack. I am happy that it was nothing serious but I can´t help but be afraid of it happening again. I wasn´t worrying about anything, I wasn´t thinking the worst case - I was just trying to be normal and enjoy life. I keep thinking about it happening when I am alone or with my daughter. What do I do? I already felt so vulnerable already and with this latest episode, I feel even more so. I just want to get on with life and stop taking it easy and stop being afraid. My husband and I just don´t need anymore right now. We are at the max of what we can manage and the stress of it all takes its toll. One emergency after another it seems. I kept thinking that I needed to write a will while lying in the ambulance. That I hadn´t organised everything I needed to and no one would know what I wanted. It doesnt get more morbid then this people but even as the dust has settled and I am better now, I still feel the same way. No one knows what is going to happen - regardless of being healthy or sick. Maybe doing something like that will just make me feel more safe and secure. I was a girl guide after all and wasn´t our motto " Be Prepared"?

So after the last few days, I am forced to take the next week to rest and not do anything. My body has clearly sent me a message that enough is enough. I have to listen to it. I gueAnd seriously universe - can you please give my husband and I some kind of break? We just can´t handle anymore right now and just want a few moments together where we can forget about all the bad stuff. So we can just be. I think we more then deserve at least an evening???

Long story I know but it was a long weekend. And I want to congratulate Hege and Halvor on their happy wedding day. I so hope that our crisis didn´t take anything away from your special day. We are so happy for you and hope to properly celebrate with you both soon.

Love,

OBB

I Want To Grow Old with You

"There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I´m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don´t hurt". Author Unknown

Hello everyone,

I am checking in with you all and having an all around pretty good day. After spending the last week or two, permanently stuck under a black cloud of despair, the sun has come out again. And boy does it feel good. I was getting abit worried about myself and wondered if I might be in a darker place then I thought. It is impossible not to feel down or depressed when you are facing cancer and I have no problem admitting that I sometimes wrestle with the big D sometimes. How could I not? The last week and half just sucked. My hair was falling out, my body hurt, I felt ill, I couldn´t do anything, and I felt like a prisoner in my own body. Some days I wish so much that I could just unzip myself out of this body and get out to have a day without cancer or pain or tiredness. Because no matter what I do, I never ever really get away from it. There is always something that pulls me back to the present...the situation at hand. And I have been dealing with alot of anger at so many things. I feel like I am living this cancer type of groundhog day where nothing changes. It is the same every day and I find the repetition of it all so hard to bear. I also feel like everyone else seems to be moving forward with their lives and doing all the things I want to do. Instead, we have fallen behind again. When I had begun to work again and be part of the normal world, I felt like I had made up for the some of the lost time from my first diagnosis, but suddenly I feel even further back then I was when it all first kicked off. And god does it make me crazy and often sad. Cancer girl in waiting I guess.

But onto the matter at hand that I has been on my mind the past few days. June is a month full of birthdays of both family and friends. Some people are turning 5 and others are turning 40. Everyone is dealing with the prospect of getting older in different ways. Some of us can´t wait to grow up whereas others would like to press some imaginary pause button before they truly start to feel old or god forbid - middle aged. I also watch alot of the Real Housewives shows (don´t judge as this is pure escapism tv) and those women are obsessed with stopping the clock and will go whatever length possible to remain youthful. I started to get annoyed if not angry with all these people worrying and fretting over the ageing process. You know why? Because growing old is not a right but rather a priviledge. I have people I am fortunate to call friends who are dealing with the reality that they wont get to their 50th birthday, or have Christmases surrounded by their grandchildren, play bridge at the seniors center or enjoy the peace of retirement. That is a tragedy. Not a wrinkly forehead or saggy bottom. I myself live in constant fear of losing out on the chance to grow old. Never have i wanted a face covered in wrinkles, hands peppered with liver spots, and a head of silvery shining white hair more then I do now. I want to be there to see everything come together in the end. The future is sure to be an amazing place full of new discoveries and adventures and I want to be there to see them. So next time you worry or complain over your scary next birthday or try and fight the hands of time, remember what a luxury it is to have that time. In the end, nothing else really matters. Time with your loved ones, time to fulfill a dream, time to discover exactly who you are...these are the treasures of life. And I am certain none of these things can be found in a $300 jar of miracle wrinkle cream made from whale sperm! :)

Now I will get off my soapbox and stop with the lecturing. The greatest waste of a life is someone who doesn´t appreciate what they have - right now. So get out there and live.

Love,
OBB

PS: Hair update - still have a significant amount that is remaining attached however there is a small bald spot forming on the top. We will be monitoring it for further developments and decide what to do should it come to a case of "old man head". I am banking on keeping what I have now so I can go to my Onco and tell me "Hey buddy - you were wrong." :)

In the words of Bob: Because everything is gonna be alright

Well it was a big week for me. I had my post op appointment this week that I had been worrying over for weeks. I was having all these scary thoughts and rarely letting anyone know about them because I felt like once I vocalized them it made them somehow even more real. However I am pleased to report that the fear factor has diminished as I finally feel for the first time since this nightmare began that I am really going to be okay. And exhale…

Now I have been overwhelmingly positive since I got the big news and have really really tried to stay the same person I was pre C. I think I have succeeded on the most part as many friends tell me how they often forget I have the Big C when they spend time with me. Go me! However the cracks always end up showing if only to me. The little voice inside my head that I so desperately try and push under the carpet brings me back to my fears of things going wrong or getting worse, new pathology reports with bad news, having to face my own mortality when I haven’t done half the things I want to or my daughter growing up never knowing her mother. I am sure that those of you who know me well probably find it a bit scary to read my deepest thoughts. They make things all too real and force us to think the unthinkable. But if cancer does anything, it definitely addresses the elephant in the room. However large my elephant is I do now feel very confident now that this is a hurdle I am going to have to climb and you bet I am going to get over it and have one big mother of a cocktail on the other side!

So after my appointment that left me feeling like things were turning up, many people were shocked to hear that a trip to the C Spa was part of the “good news.” Even though they managed to remove all the C bugs from my body given my age and the aggressive nature of my initial diagnosis, the full package deal is a must! But like all the other tough things I have tackled so far in my life, I will use the same tools to get through this challenge. It is weird that I actually find the idea of losing my hair far more exposing then losing a breast. I guess it is the point when this illness finally puts its public stamp on you. I will have to hold my bald head high and forge ahead into the unknown. But it is so nice and comforting to know how many good people will be standing with torches along the way to make the journey that much brighter and easier.

Now I look forward to four restful weeks of mental and physical prep for the C Spa and also plan on organizing my PCP – AKA Pre Chemo Party. I am going out in style and breaking out the vintage Dom for this fest! You better believe the hangover will be worth it! And wasn’t PCP that nasty old chemical they used to put in Styrofoam? Quite fitting really if we are thinking along the theme of toxic nasties we ingest because isn’t chemo one of the nastiest?

So that is the news with me peeps. Over and out.
OBB

Perspective is Everything

Perspective is Everything

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. ~Frank A. Clark

Ever since I joined the Big C-lub, I started to use quotes to let my family and friends know where my head was at. I also found them incredibly motivating in finding my inner warrior. So I wanted to open this blog with a quote that encapsulates my topic of the day – Perspective.

I have started to think of my life in three parts these days. Part 1 was pre C, Part 2 is C present and part 3 will be post C. What was really hard to come to terms with was that Part 1 seemingly overnight ceased to exist. It is true how people always say you don’t miss something until it is gone. I missed my normal and very ordinary life desperately. I didn’t want to join a new world where white blood counts, FEC, hair loss, cell grade and malignancy ruled the roost. I started to become envious of people and the banal parts of their lives. I would watch parents pick up their kids from school outside our house, or watch people heading out for drinks on a sunny Friday and be envious. I wanted to do all those normal things I had really taken for granted for all these years without the presence of this annoying cloud over my head. Suddenly nothing was routine or normal and my new little friend was always showing up to the party without an invite!

Now looking back to my 20s, I did have fun! I worked hard and lived a very material and at times deeply selfish existence. I thought the most important things in life were having a good job, plans for friday night, always being comfortable, having good friends and family and rarely having to choose between anything because this girl wanted EVERYTHING! Well if I can again look at the silver lining here, I have been given the rare opportunity of realising what is really important in life to me. It is really simple...it is life in itself. The act of living is a gift. The millions of tiny things I used to stress over like my crow’s feet, the grey hairs popping up along my hairline, not being on track career wise, having a better savings plan, or not going to the gym enough faded away. What do I cherish these days? Well it could be a day without pain, a kiss from my daughter, a backrub from my husband or a lovely card sent from a loved one just because. So I again feel lucky to have been given this magical lens from which I am able to look at life from such a different perspective. So I will go through things that really suck, and things that will make me look a little less like the girl you all know, however I will still be me. If not a slightly improved version!

A New Definition of Beauty

Hello there,

So I was told for the second time yesterday since my operation that I have a beautiful…face, no, outfit, no, daughter, well yes but no. I was told that I had a beautiful incision that would eventually form into a beautiful scar. I am apparently the beauty queen of post surgical incisions and scars! Bring on the tiara people! How did my parameters of what constitutes beautiful change so dramatically from the traditional to the downright morbid? I have a feeling my original definitions of what constitutes beauty will change significantly over the next year. Not only am I facing a very real anatomical change, I will also be rocking the Sinead look in a month or so. Unfortunately my genetics also failed me on the nose front having been born with a larger than life nose that makes me cringe in profile shots I blame the Hungarian side for this injustice! I can only imagine what it will look like without my lovely hair and eyebrows to distract from it. I joked that maybe I could barter a 2 for 1 surgery and they could throw in a rhinoplasty at the same time! I mean who says no to the cancer patients!! Well surgeons apparently do.

So as my reservation for the C spa fast approaches so does my impending hair loss which I will have to get used to and find the silver lining to. I mean think of the time saved on blow drying, straightening and the money saved on the gazillion hair products I own or pricey haircuts. Okay I am digging here on the benefits as I haven’t really gotten around to finding anything remotely good about it. But I will because that is just how I am. God I even hate myself sometimes for the cheesy lines I actually put down here.

I have always been a shopping girl and it nearly bankrupted me in my younger days. So why not start researching how to be chemo chic? I mean I have always made sure I looked the part, despite often not being able to execute it. Like the time I wanted to be pro snowboarder or a mountaineer! I actually never hit a jump or climbed K2 but boy did I have the gear to look like I did. So why not throw myself into the world of online shopping. I mean I will have a cue ball for a head shortly so why not dress it up. I was tempted to type in Chemo Chic into Google but instead opted for headgear for chemo patients. Well suddenly I was transported into another world of wraps, turbans, scarves, and hats. If this was one time I wished I wore a burka it was now. I just would not be having this problem now would I. Anyways some weren’t even that bad so I clicked buy on a few just to get the ball rolling on my chemo wardrobe. So maybe I could still find the fun side of this crappy situation and indulge in a little retail therapy at the same time! I may have cancer, but what girl doesn’t like dressing up. And I have heard the turban is totally it for Summer 2011.

OBB