I am back in the land of the living…well sorta anyways. It has been a rough week since we returned from our big trip and we have been suffering from bad jetlag. I am actually surprised how functional I have remained despite my prolonged state of sleep deprivation. However my body is giving me signs this week that it cant do what it used to and some pains and strains are coming out of the woodwork. And I was just starting to feel normal again.
The hardships were well worth it though as we did have a great time away. My daughter got to so many amazing things including not having to put on 5 layers every time we went out. We went swimming (first time for me since my diagnosis), went to the aquariam, visited a tropical bird sanctuary, sat and sipped Starbucks hot chocolates, ate sushi as many times as we could and most importantly spent some QT with Captain AC. Since I left Canada many years ago, whenever I visit there I am of course happy to see everyone and everything but I am also happy to come home again. I don’t leave with a heavy heart and desire to go back to that life. However for the first time I really miss it and I miss my mom. She is doing so well but of course her long struggle has affected her and I so want to be closer to her. Our relationship is different – stronger. Our relationship shifted when I became a mother but it again shifted when we both got cancer together. We are connected in such a deep way that it is hard to even explain. It was also so comforting to say “Oh my big toe is numb again” and to know that yes she truly understood how that felt. We also talked about the scary things that keep me up at night and nothing I say scares her. It was so comforting for me but also made me see how difficult it is for us to be so far apart during such a difficult time. She is after all my mom and moms make everything better don’t they?
So now that we are back, I am also back to reality in terms of continuing on this reluctant journey. I was greeted by a number of letters detailing various appointments with specialists etc… and the dreaded MRI next week. So little time to regroup before I board the crazy train again. I did meet with a specialist in Canada who gave me a slightly different view on things and how I should proceed. It is so hard to make an informed decision when the medical people involved in your case aren’t in a consensus. I guess I will have to go with gut feel on this one. I am definitely having my operation in a few weeks time just to get some of it out of the way but we will see about everything else. I am really dreading being thrown back into a weakened state after working so hard these last few months to build my strength both physically and mentally. I also just don’t want to be in pain and frankly I don’t feel like being brave right now. But of course I will do what I have done for the last year and reluctantly put on my superhero cape and mask and do what I must do. It isn’t always easy being a superhero…
That is all for me today. More to come later as there will be lots to discuss as the story unfolds further…
Ciao,
OBB
Katie, You are right about the goodness and richness of our time spent together in Vancouver. Since flying 9 hrs across ocean and land cannot be a regular or frequent event, our First Reunion was very important...after the cancer nightmare started. We have absorbed many changes from time of our dx to completion of our treatments. We may even have become stronger and definitely wiser. We had a time of celebration, made up of the mundane and special moments. It included fun, a bit of spoiling and for me, getting to know Ida as a impish little 2 year old with curly sandy blond hair and look that reminds me of her mother at the same age. Also we had an opportunity for providing “rest” to each other through shared understanding and presence and being social with wonderful supportive friends. One important bond between us is that of motherhood, even across generations. It warms your mother’s heart to see you as a loving, playful and sensitive mother to Ida. Our less desirable but profound bond is our journey thru the vagaries of breast cancer. Yes we both know and can sympathize about fatigue, fear, sore body parts and irritation. Most of all, I enjoyed just being “family” with you and Ida for 2 weeks and being at ease. So normal. Yes.. our cup is a little fuller. I am already looking forward our next reunion. Meanwhile, texting, skype, phone and emails will have to fill the gap.
ReplyDeleteGood luck next week, Kate. will be thinking of you. Glad you had such a fulfilling visit.
ReplyDelete