Saturday, September 15, 2012

Waiting for a sign

So it has been one hell of a week for OBB. Since I last wrote I got a cold, got a PET scan and then got an awful awful flu! Not the greatest week for me but certaintly not my worst either. I know it isnt the most interesting to read about someone´s constant flow of ailments and issues. I am sick of it myself. But being bed ridden and feeling like death on a platter was not what I needed this week. Unable to read or watch TV, I lay there in bed with my thoughts. A dangerous coupling really. And when you are waiting to hear whether you are ok or not, feeling downright lousy doesnt make you feel the most positive. To tell you the truth - feeling as bad as I did, where I could literally not find an ounce of reserve energy even for my little monkey,  it made me so scared. I didnt want my life to end up like that. Lying in a bed with little breaks here and there, watching the world go by while I was stuck. I know I am being super melodramatic but i think most people in my situation would have the same worries and fears. Cancer is a shit way to go people. It is ugly, painful, and relentless. I want to die old and wrinkled curled up in my quilt on a winter´s night with my whole family nearby or even holding my hand. That is the way to go  - the way I want to go. 

So this whole PET business went alright. It was as I expected and I had the same nice technician as before so she knew my vein dealio. We got it on the first attempt - hurrah!! The valium might have helped as well. Can you believe they have unicorns in hospitals now? Hi little pony, you want an apple? Oh maybe that was the sedative talking? :) So now we are just waiting. Everytime my phone rang this week, I jumped before I could see what number it was. Kinda like waiting for the boy to call you like so much and then when he actually does you are too scared to pick up. I know when it does happen and it is inevitable, my chest will tighten and my pulse will quicken. It always happens when I get big news and they will ask me to come in. I will look for any signs I can detect from their tone and choice of words indicating whether it is good or bad. Of course I am sure they are trained to give nothing away but I will do it anyways. I have even analysed the length of time it has taken to hear from them. If it were bad they would called right away right? Or were they taking time to take in all the problem areas? God you could make yourself mad running through every single scenario and of course none of it helps. But we do what we can to feel more in control of a situation that is beyond us.  I am getting shivers just writing it all this down - playing it out in my mind what will happen this week. I cant hide from it or run away. It is happening. It is hard because at the same there are so many great, amazing things happening in my life right now that are overshadowed by this. I want to tell you all about them but I dont want to jinx myself so I will wait. If i am being honest, I am so scared that like the last time when I had finally gotten myself established and found a job, it will be taken from me again. I was in the exact same situation as I am now - just about ready to press the start button on a new life and career. This time I dont want anyone to jump in and press "abort." I want to celebrate my wonderful achievements and start rebuilding what was lost, so cancer please please go away.

So it is shaping up to be a pretty major week for OBB and family. I will also be travelling to Bergen this coming weekend for the Norwegian Young Womens Breast Cancer conference. It is a gathering of women under 40 who have been affected by breast cancer. It is a wonderful place to come together and discuss the issues that affect young women facing this disease. The horror of a diagnosis shocks every women regardless of age but the challenges surrounding it differ dramatically. These women understand how shit it is getting through chemo and radiation with young children to look after, they understand how it can break your heart when you cant pick up your crying baby after surgery and they understand the nightmare of wondering whether you will be given the opportunity to watch your children grow up. This pink sisterhood is sacred and its members are virtual towers of strength and grace.

I hope to write an update when I get "the call" and be able to tell you all that I am 100% okay. Happy happy thoughts...everything is going to be okay. Maybe if I say it enough times, I will believe it.

I will end with a quote from Dr. Seuss. Seriously he had it right! When I re-read his stories now as an adult you see how true and real they actually are. There is alot to be learned from Dr. Seuss!

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
― Dr. Seuss

Happy Weekend,

OBB xxx


1 comment:

  1. Dear Kate,

    I am sure your weekend for the Norwegian Young Women's Breast Cancer conference was a good experience. No doubt,I have been following your blog closely and certainly understand your current fear and worry over the result of your bone scan. I have the same worries and fears each time I go for my periodic health checkup and yearly diagnostic mammogram. This kind of lifelong routine is stressful and fearful. Overwhelmed by uncertainties, it is natural to feel that our strength has deserted us.

    Like you say, hopefully,everything is going to be okay. Take courage again,and think positively. Your meeting with the surgeon over the diagnosis is for precaution and prevention. Regardless what the outcome would be,you are never alone. We are with you always, to challenge this ugly, painful, and relentless disease.

    Hang in there! Be assured of my prayer for you!

    Many hugs and blessings!