Monday, March 12, 2012

A Confession

Ever since I was little, I have been someone who worried and was pretty much scared of everything. I still remember that Halloween so many years ago when I went to my neighbor`s house (literally next door) to watch scary movies and had to call to ask my dad to meet me halfway at the hedge. I like to chalk it up to an active and creative mind; others may tend to classify it as neurosis. I have been thinking a lot about fear and what makes me scared which is no new theme in this blog. I thought that maybe if I wrote everything down it might make it just a little less scary. Rocket science concepts here on a Monday morning eh! I am realizing how destructive fear can be and also how easily it can be transferred onto the people closest to us. I had conversation with my mother while I was visiting her about my obsessive fear over personal safety and where it came from. This began when I was very little when I would lie awake at night mapping out different escape routes through the house depending on where the intruder came in. Not normal child thought patterns and it wasn’t like I was living in a war torn country where bombs and invasions were part of the daily landscape. I grew up in a nice and safe suburb where the kids played outside day to night, where you could walk to the store by yourself for a candy bar and where bad things rarely if ever happened. We never even had a house break in and I was never involved in any traumatic events. So where did this come from? This fear that would keep me awake at night. Well my mother had some interesting things to share with me on this one. She grew up in Hungary and witnessed the Soviet invasion of 1956 when things literally fell into chaos overnight. She lived through the bangs on the door in the middle of the night when they dragged people away into the dark, never to be seen or heard from again. She thinks that she possibly projected this trauma and fear over personal safety onto me – subconsciously of course! She would never knowingly want to traumatize me in any way and she is a psychologist as well! It got me thinking about me and how I process and project my own fears especially given there is a little sponge the size of a two year living and breathing my every word 24/7. What am I passing onto her without even realizing it? I don’t want her to lie awake at night scared of what might happen in the dark, I don’t want her to be afraid of every disease in the world, I don’t want her to be afraid of big dogs, and I don’t want her to be afraid to live life sometimes un-carefully because that is really when you experience the real juice of life. I think there are enough things for her to worry about that I can’t change so why not lessen that burden for her and be extra conscious of what I am passing onto her. It might be good for me too.

So here is a little list of what scares me:
1) An intruder coming in through the window in the middle of the night – fairly self-explanatory.
2) Something bad happening to my husband or daughter or anyone I love.
3) Ghosts (for those non-believers I have a couple good stories to prove otherwise)
4) Big dogs – if they can tackle you, you are in trouble.
5) Rabid squirrels (thank you Lara for creating this one for me when we were like 7)
6) Snakes – can’t even look at a picture of one without feeling nauseous.
7) Dying before I am ready to go – a fear I try to manage every day.
8) Any movie or TV show involving serial killers in cities where the sun never shines!!

So now that I have written my list I realize it isn’t too long (I am sure I missing out on some key points) but it helps to be aware. Aware of what I am potentially passing onto other people who are fresh canvases with the world at their fingertips. I don’t ever want fear to hold my daughter back – I gave her wings when I gave her life and I want her to fly.

Now for some reason lately I have been trying to scare myself. And here comes the confession – My name is OBB and I have been internet trawling for all things cancer. I had been so good and disciplined for so long to not read too much about my diagnosis, as the tiny things I had read (by accident) had forced me to pop a valium from the palpitations I got. And after coming across a terrifying statistic in a book a month or so ago, you would think I would have learnt my lesson. Sadly no. Perhaps I am being a little sado-masochistic or maybe it is just morbid curiosity? I don’t know but I know it needs to stop. I look for other breast cancer blogs that might inspire me but often find old blogs of people who have since earned their “pink wings” which only depresses me or news stories about people having cancer. Because these stories are there – Cancer is touching everyone in the world and much of it is news worthy. There seems to be someone famous dying of or being diagnosed with cancer every day. I even was shocked to see the BRCA gene addressed in last week`s episode of 90210! So why this sudden obsession with the dark passenger? Maybe it is time to start to get out there and work again. I clearly have too much time on my hands and it is becoming dangerous. I do feel better telling you all about my little confession as seeing it written out makes me realize a) how unproductive this activity is b) how it is something I can so easily alter and change c) fear is not going to make me happier or healthier. So there will be a cancer ban in my house this week and hopefully for many weeks and months after. Anything malignant please stay out of my way. I have some very important living to do.


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