Friday, November 9, 2012

Working 9 to 5

Well somehow time has escaped me and it has been 3 weeks since I last managed to tickle the old keyboard and bang out an entry. As I predicted in my last entry, real life has gotten in the way of my creativity and I havent found a moment to think, let alone write about what is happening in my life. So I figured I would let you all know how things have been for me.

I am now 3 weeks into my new job and it has gone well...I think. I am still there aren´t I! It definitely hasn´t been a soft and gently re-entry back into the working world. I think I started sprinting from the start and haven´t really slowed down since. There have been full days with no time for lunch or to write an email to a friend. There have been days when I have came home in the dark and felt dizzy from all the new information buzzing in my head. There have been days when I needed to lie on the couch for a break before managing to make it to the dinner table. But there have been some really amazing moments too. I was so scared of this big leap and leaving behind the security provided by my cancer blanket. I wondered whether I could do it and if my brain could still work. Thankfully much of my worry was unfounded. Being back in the working world feels good. I feel more like myself again - the old me. Though it is thorougly exhausting, this whole work thing has had a hugely normalising effect on. I go actual entire days when I don´t speak or think about cancer at all. And when I walk through those doors every morning, I shrug off the cancer coat because in there no one knows my story. They only know what they see and thankfully my cancer is not visible to the human eye. I often wonder if people notice my chest (though I am very masterful with scarves) but i doubt it. My frame kinda goes with a flat chest so I make it work for me. And my hair, which is going through a horrific growth phase and resembles a mullet with severe frizz, just looks like a girl trying to grow out a bad cut. And we have all been there haven´t we ladies!  I think the fact I can´t bring cancer up or talk about anything pertaining to it at work (not because I can´t but because I choose not to), makes it less of a part of my life now. I feel more like I wont ever have cancer again as it just isn´t possible to imagine and I definitely didnt feel that way a few months ago. I was consumed by cancer and the fear of it. It isn´t to say that I don´t have moments when I want to scream to people throwing work and demands my way from every angle - "Give me a break - I had cancer!" Because I do have those moments but I get over them. I actually need to stand on my own to feet and not rely on the cancer card. The funniest thing was this week when I was on a business trip dragging my luggage around - I got angry because no one was offering to help and my chest was killing me. I was so used to people offering to help do this or carry that because they knew about my fragile condition. But now I am apparently a strong and independent woman who can carry her own crap around! Maybe some things I will miss. :)

So it is all on the up for me. I think this whole working thing is a great thing for me. Sure it is challenging and probably a bit too much too soon, but I am making it work and feeling more like myself with every day and that feels... fantastic.



  1. So glad to hear that you’re irritated by your bad hair, no one helping you to carry around your heavy bags, and I can see you crashing on the couch after you get home from work before you gather up again... so very normal. However big congratulations to you for making it work and finding the gifts in all this. Life is a mixed bag and you have the grit, imagination and brains to move through it and move forward.
    Take it easy! So proud and happy for you.

  2. So happy to hear that you are now 3 weeks into your new job and it has gone well. It's definitely a good sign to feel normal and healthy like everyone else and be back to a "9-5 working world". For sure, when you are preoccupied with a busy work schedule, everyday passes by so quickly. You just don't have time to spend on "unfounded worries". I rejoice with you as you feel so good being more like yourself again - "the old me". Don't forget to take time to relax after a day's exhausting work.

    Way to go for a brighter future Kate. Let's be thankful and cherish the precious time and life we have ahead of us!
    Much love and prayers.