Okay well this is actually my third attempt at this blog entry and I am hopeful I will actually finish this one and be happy with it. I think the fact I can’t focus on completing one single entry is pretty indicative of my headspace at the moment. I am a basketcase! I have shifted from one blog focusing on the fact that with summer arriving also comes less clothing and I am suddenly finding myself surrounded by pairs of breasts everywhere. Breasts, breasts everywhere and not a pair to spare! I also wrestled with my newfound social awkwardness around meeting new people who don’t know my “story.” Suddenly the simple questions like how are you doing, what are you up, summer plans… are like bullets hitting me over and over. Do I lie, only answer with the least amount of words possible or do I drop the C bomb on the convo? And now today I have been mulling over the fact I can’t actually get away from the C word. It is like I have cancer goggles on. It is a front page story in the paper, a character on tv battling this awful illness, a conversation about someone affected by it. Even watching a mindless yet highly entertaining show like Gossip Girl was no escape as the characters in this week’s episode were planning the “Pink Ball.” The C swat team has me literally surrounded people! It is similar to the time I was pregnant. Suddenly I felt like everyone was pregnant around me and I had an internal alert system for bumps in my vicinity. I remember thinking how could I have missed noticing all these pregos before but I guess you don’t notice these things until you are experiencing it yourself. So instead of noticing moms to be I am noticing every sign of cancer around me. It is exhausting and at times I wish I could be like the horses in the park who walk around with blinders on. I guess with this heavy presence in our lives, it does show me that I am clearly not alone in this. It seems everyone I meet or speak to knows someone or has personally been through this. I figure if all these people can get through this and come out the other side then I will be okay. I am not the toughest person around and do get scared of things before they actually happen. Case in point trying to convince a nurse to give me gas to get through a blood test years ago! Fear is apparently a very normal and very real part of this process and it would be weird if I didn’t fear the road ahead. So I am embracing each and every emotion and storing them in my arsenal to fuel me through this time.
“Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow.”