Well it was a big week for me. I had my post op appointment this week that I had been worrying over for weeks. I was having all these scary thoughts and rarely letting anyone know about them because I felt like once I vocalized them it made them somehow even more real. However I am pleased to report that the fear factor has diminished as I finally feel for the first time since this nightmare began that I am really going to be okay. And exhale…
Now I have been overwhelmingly positive since I got the big news and have really really tried to stay the same person I was pre C. I think I have succeeded on the most part as many friends tell me how they often forget I have the Big C when they spend time with me. Go me! However the cracks always end up showing if only to me. The little voice inside my head that I so desperately try and push under the carpet brings me back to my fears of things going wrong or getting worse, new pathology reports with bad news, having to face my own mortality when I haven’t done half the things I want to or my daughter growing up never knowing her mother. I am sure that those of you who know me well probably find it a bit scary to read my deepest thoughts. They make things all too real and force us to think the unthinkable. But if cancer does anything, it definitely addresses the elephant in the room. However large my elephant is I do now feel very confident now that this is a hurdle I am going to have to climb and you bet I am going to get over it and have one big mother of a cocktail on the other side!
So after my appointment that left me feeling like things were turning up, many people were shocked to hear that a trip to the C Spa was part of the “good news.” Even though they managed to remove all the C bugs from my body given my age and the aggressive nature of my initial diagnosis, the full package deal is a must! But like all the other tough things I have tackled so far in my life, I will use the same tools to get through this challenge. It is weird that I actually find the idea of losing my hair far more exposing then losing a breast. I guess it is the point when this illness finally puts its public stamp on you. I will have to hold my bald head high and forge ahead into the unknown. But it is so nice and comforting to know how many good people will be standing with torches along the way to make the journey that much brighter and easier.
Now I look forward to four restful weeks of mental and physical prep for the C Spa and also plan on organizing my PCP – AKA Pre Chemo Party. I am going out in style and breaking out the vintage Dom for this fest! You better believe the hangover will be worth it! And wasn’t PCP that nasty old chemical they used to put in Styrofoam? Quite fitting really if we are thinking along the theme of toxic nasties we ingest because isn’t chemo one of the nastiest?
So that is the news with me peeps. Over and out.