Sunday, July 31, 2011

I choose Life

It has again been a bit of a blog hiatus for me. July is summer time for Norway so the cities are generally quiet of actual Norwegians and buzzing with tourists and the sun is hopefully shining for at least 20% of the time! We have also been on holiday and spent some lovely days by the sea following my recovery from the last FEC treatment. I now realize why I could never start a blog before – my daughter is not in daycare right now and having her home all day makes starting and completing an entire blog entry next to impossible. Instead of feeling guilty about not keeping up to date, I relished in my time with my little family.

I am sure that many of you around the world also have learnt much more about Norway in the last few weeks – for reasons no one wants. The horrific massacres in Oslo were truly heartbreaking and my hearts and condolences go out to all the victims and their families. I was in awe of how this little country stood together at a time of such horror and promised to maintain its core values of cultural openness, democracy and peace. Events such as this again put my life and situation in perspective. You really do not know what tomorrow brings so there is not point worrying or dwelling on what has happened - living life to the fullest is the way forward for me.
What things have been buzzing around in my cerebellum the last few weeks? Well apparently lots of things as the sleep fairies have been lacking from their post on my pillow and I have been struggling to get a good night’s sleep. It is a vicious circle as the more I struggle to sleep the more anxiety I have over the fact that I am not sleeping and getting the rest I need and the less I sleep! Eek! I have never been one of those people who the moment their head hits the pillow they are snoring away in an instant. I actually secretly hate those people – well maybe not hate as my husband is one of those lucky ones – but perhaps envy is a more appropriate word choice. I have been finding my mind really drifting across all sorts of thoughts when I finally settle in bed and some of these thoughts are not what we would call “happy thoughts.” I did figure out a few things while tossing and turning especially when it came to my daughter. I have found myself wanting to be included in everything she is doing and wanting to see all the new things she is discovering like swimming, new words, new dance moves, new food tastings etc…I t is almost to the point of obsessive and I couldn’t quite understand where this need to be there essentially 24/7 was coming from.

When you have a child, you think of the all the big events that will happen in their lives – the first steps, first words, first day of school, graduation, marriage, and eventually their own children. Of course you want to be there every step of the way but sometimes things don’t go according to plan. I know this first hand from being on the other end and not having my dear father ever get to meet and love my husband or my daughter. He would have loved them so much and it makes my heart ache that he wasn’t able to see me so happy. After being diagnosed with the Big C, I now am all too aware of my own mortality and still fight to suppress my fears that my time will be cut short. So this fear of being robbed of a long and fulfilling life is what is making me want to see everything and insert myself into every moment. In the words of Aerosmith – “I don’t want to miss a thing.” Again I know now that I am aware of the motives behind it, I may relax a little but at the same time why not be there for everything if I can. How lucky am I to have the gift of time right now where I don’t have a demanding job to keep me away from home or other life demands other than being healthy. I know many of my friends do not have this opportunity so I will take it and savor it. I did get to see my daughter swim this past week and it was wonderful. Her loud shrieks of laughter as her father launched her in the air then back down into the cool blue water – emerging again with the biggest smile and eyes gleaming with pure joy. These are the moments I want to be a part of.
So as summer has finally arrived in Norway this week, I will continue to enjoy my moments and also look forward to my brother and his family arriving in town this week. I can’t wait to see all our little girls get to know each other for the first time as my daughter is finally able to hold her own with them. I will savor these moments but maybe try not to worry as much about missing out on things because I do not plan on going anywhere soon. Life is much too precious and I am just getting started.

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” Thornton Wilder
Happy summer,

1 comment:

  1. Great post. When things are weighing me down, no matter how big or small, the first thing that goes is my sleep.
    Have a great visit with your brother and his family.