Monday, October 31, 2011

The Final Phase

I first wanted to thank you all for your comments on last week’s blog. I think it garnered the most attention so far. Looking back on my entry a week on, I do see that I was probably not looking at the whole picture and instead “catastrophising” slightly (bad habit of mine!). My husband even gave me new information that I missed in the appointment! I think once you hear one bad thing, you can sometimes stop listening completely and the selective hearing kicks in. I also wanted to say that 36 is not too old to have a baby! Just that if I needed to lose my ovaries at that age, it would prove challenging however many of you have shown me that nothing is set in stone and there are still options. So thank you for your support!

I will not fear that which I can’t control.

This is what I have been repeating to myself over and over again each day through the last week or so. It has been a busy week full of major events, emotions and news. Friday was a huge day for me as I had my last trip to the C-spa. It was a great day and my daughter joined us for the special day. The cake went down a treat and the nurses were so touched by the gesture. They even put out a little Norwegian flag on my table to mark the milestone. I actually couldn’t believe when my infusion was over. It almost went too fast – I wanted to stay in this moment. Every other time I would always ask how much longer, when can I leave, how much is left? But today of course I was so thrilled to finish this part of the treatment; however I was a little sentimental about saying goodbye to the nurses and to the routine that had been my job for so long. They all said they would miss me too! There is also a slight niggle in my mind that I try to suppress as well. There are no guarantees in life and I almost feel like I am tempting fate by saying I will never have to do this again. Because the truth is going through chemo again is something I don’t want to think about but with this whole cancer business – there are no guarantees, just hope. So I hope I never have to see the C-Spa again!

Now it is Monday and the first week of my post C-spa life. How does it feel? Well not too much different as I am still very tired and have developed some strange fingernail pain and soreness. Am hoping my fingernails aren’t thinking of jumping ship especially now that I am finished and my eyebrows seem to be thinning more each day. I have been lucky I know by the fact that I still have some eyebrows and eyelashes left! And my hair is growing fast though the recent drug has ensured the top stays thin and yucky. I also have been able to see what my real hair colour is after having it lightened since I was 12 and it isn’t pretty folks. It is a grayish mousey brown mess and I plan on dying it as soon as I have enough hair! I am also hoping a month from now I can start sporting a Mia Farrow “Rosemary’s baby” style as I am sick of my wig!

So what happens next? Well next week I have some planning sessions with the radiologist where they plan and map out where they will zap me with the radiation. I am then a free agent until November 17th when I begin my daily radiation sessions. What to do with my time? Well my husband and I are having a child free weekend this week courtesy of some wonderful grandparents. It is actually the first time we will have alone together since I was diagnosed that wont involve an operation or cancer treatment! I am looking forward to going out for a meal to a restaurant that isn’t child friendly, sleeping in, getting a massage, and of course having some champagne! I am also preparing to give a talk to some nurses training to be cancer specialists next week. I will tell my story and discuss my involvement in this health and wellness project I have been participating in (what I refer to in the blog as Cancercise). I am attempting to do half of it in Norwegian so quite a lot of prep work will be done in the coming week. I will also be getting the results of my genetic test shortly and it is weighing on my mind considerably. I have a feeling about it but regardless of the outcome, I will just do what I do best and get on with it. There is some peace in knowing and not living with uncertainty.
So the next and final phase of this long ride is fast approaching and I am inching closer and closer to the end. I am realizing how much focus and strength it will take to transition from patient to person. Thank you for reminding me that I am still the same girl you knew last year, five years ago or even 15. I never want cancer to make different from who I was and who I am but as I have said before, just better.

So I will end with a special quote for everyone who has been there for me through this roller coaster ride through visits, emails, phone calls, cards, flowers, care packages, comments on the blog and FB…the list is endless. I am so lucky to have such amazing people behind Team OBB.

The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love. Hubert H. Humphrey, Jr.

A Sentimental and Appreciative,

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