The Good and the Bad

I have been busy the past week trying to bridge the gap that was created by my illness. I called and emailed everyone I knew to try and find something to do. I was feeling restless, impatient and craving my independence again. I wanted a job and I wanted it now. I have never been the person who wanted to stay at home and I thrive under pressure and love challenges. I obviously overcame the biggest challenge of my life so far so now I am ready for the next chapter. But the pages remain blank...for now. I feel the fire rising in my belly again and I am compelled to make something happen. Luckily I am fortunate enough to also have an army behind me ready to offer any help they can to help me make up the 10 steps I fell back. How amazing is it to have good friends? Something else that makes my life so rich and full. So even though I have been making plans, I have also been worrying. I try so hard not to fear the unknown and so want to enjoy my 6 month hiatus from all things cancer but it often creeps back in. I was at a motivational talk this past Friday night at a hospital nearby for young people who have had cancer. My dear friend whom I met in treatment was organising it (if you understand Norwegian please check out her blog which chronicles her Herculean battle and victory against Hogkins Lymphoma - http://veientilbakeigjen.blogspot.com/ ) and asked me to come. To be honest, I was reluctant. Did I really want to spend my Friday night with cancer? Was this the best way to use my precious time? In the end my desire to see my friend pushed me to go. Funnily enough I was one of the older ones in the room which was weird seeing as I often was on the opposite end of the age scale in the world of breast cancer. There were all sorts of people with all sorts of cancer who were trying to move forward and leave their cancer experiences behind. Perhaps trying to learn how to embrace life again after being at the lowest of the low and letting our fears and worries go. It ended up being a nice evening and I managed to meet some very nice people who spoke English to me!! Phew! Something we touched on has been on my mind a lot. We talked about support groups - either in person or online and how they could be a help but also a hinderer. It seems recently that the group I am in has a string of bad luck - people have had relapses, people are suffering and others have earned their pink wings. I cannot tell you how much it terrifies me to hear of these things because it makes you wonder what makes you different from that person? I then obsess over the type of cancer they had, their initial diagnosis etc...to compare my case to theirs. If mine is worse then what does it mean for me? Such destructive things to do and think about. But all that you fear is sitting in front of you on a computer screen and it hard to look away. But at the same time these groups are full of people who pick you up when you are having a bad day, give your tips on everything and anything and some even become lifelong friends. So how do you balance the benefits with the negatives? Sometimes I think i should just cut myself off as the stark realities of cancer often prove too much for me. And let´s face it - I am a born worrier so why provide fuel for the fire? But then I remember the strength and love these people offer up so readily. The double edged sword of support groups I guess. Well that is all from me for now. In other news, I want everyone to send out positive thoughts to our Dear Captain AC who will be having her own surgery a week from today. As one can imagine, she fears the unknown, mourns her loss and just wants everything to go alright. I completely understand where she is coming from but I hope she will overcome the worst of it fast and come out of it stronger. Everything is so much scarier when we don´t know what to expect. I promise you AC - you will tackle this challenge as you have done with everything - with pure gusto and grit. Hugs, OBB