Thursday, January 24, 2013

A Bump in the Road

I don´t know what to say or how to feel. I just know that I am angry, sad and exhausted all at the same time. Now please don´t go thinking the worst because things could most definitely be worse right now. I think of the people killed in Algeria last week and try to put my situation in perspective. I was not tragically killed in a terrorist attack. I am here and nearly intact in a warm home with people who love me and all the candy I want.  That is one of the main things that is keeping me sane. Things could be worse. I told my doctor those exact words last friday when she told me there was a problem. I am always so terrified of missed calls from the hospital and this one was especially tough as I had to take it at work. Luckily it was one of my favorite doctors who isn´t actually my doctor but has taken a personal interest in my case. She is the one who took time out of her busy day to hold my hand through my terrifying biopsy experience a few months ago. Hearing the news from her lessened the blow and I even managed to crack a few jokes (cancer jokes of course!). The situation is - same place, same problem. And it isn´t any major organ which is great (I find every positive I can!). Go me! But they are concerned and think it is in my best interest to completely remove everything that is suspect. I want to emphasise that we do not know nor can we confirm what exactly it is. All we know is that it is suspicious and we want to get the sucker out to get a better look. And when I say sucker I mean something that is roughly 1cm in diameter - a tiny problem really.  Better to have it out then wait it out and just see where things go! But to remove it involves another invasive procedure that is icky and hurts which frankly sucks eggs. I hate pain full stop. I don´t know everything for sure yet but all will be revealed in the next few days and the actual procedure will be done in the next week. I am so impatient.

I know that I have to remain positive and be brave. Again. God I hate being brave. I hate operations and procedures. I hate cancer and all the total crap that comes with it. I am too tired tonight to be a super hero. I am just trying to get by. What makes me so mad is that I have worked harder then I think I ever have before in these last few months - building a new life and pushing myself to new heights that were so unbelievably fulfilling. My life and mental space had moved beyond this experience. Everything was working so brilliantly with everything falling into place. But then this crap happens and you can´t help but think of it all being taken from you. I am hoping desperately it will only be a minor setback but I am so sick of setbacks. Can´t a girl catch a break? And I also worry what more scarring and pain will do to me. My body is already mangled enough as it is. Just another scar to add to my collection marking another journey along this tough road.

So this is my news. I know I need to be positive, be strong and look at this as a small bleep on the long road of life. But do give me a few moments to kick, scream and cry over it because it just plain sucks. There is no way of sugar coating it or making it be ok. It is not ok and I don´t ever want to be in a place where things like this are acceptable. But it wont stop me from picking up my sword again and facing the challenges ahead like any other superhero would. At the end of the day what choice is there really? To move forward past the obstacles in your life, you sometimes need to walk through alittle fire and maybe end up with the occasional bump or bruise. Just as long as you come out the other side... stronger and better then you were before.

A slightly deflated 0BB

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