Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Time to put my big girl panties on!
"Without fear there cannot be courage." Christopher Paolini
Well here I am sitting in front of my command center in the living room trying to compose myself. It has been a very busy day for me and I have had little time to really digest what begins tomorrow.
I will wake up at the same time as I do every morning but I wont get suited and booted for work. It will be track pants for me. I will walk into my daughter´s room and try to rouse her from her deep sleep and hear "mama go away. I am not awake" a few times before she realises i mean business. We will eat breakfast, I will sip my coffee and we will pack everything up to get in the car. I will drive the same way to her daycare as I do every single morning. A quick drop off and a wink and kiss at the window and I am back in the car. I turn up the volume now and look for a favorite song. As i veer down the icy laneway, I stop - my instinct is to turn right but i must go left. Today has a very different plan in store for me. Anything but normal. My husband and I will then carry small bags full of overnight stuff and leave our daughter´s luggage by the door for her grandpa to pick up. She will not be with us.
Now I wish I could say we were going off on a wonderful romantic weekend but in truth we are not. We will be on our way to the hospital to start the beginning of three days there. One day of planning and marking. Another where the main event happens. The last to recover and make my way back home. I don´t entirely know what is going to happen aside from the fact that they are digging into my chest wall and taking something out. But I am afraid. I am afraid of the things that need to be done at work while I am gone. I am afraid of how much pain I will feel during and after. I am afraid of the restrictions in movement and capacity afterwards. I am afraid of the waiting once it is all over. Maybe that is the worst the part of all? Because you have truly done everything you could possibly do and then it all left up to some person sitting behind a microscope to decide your fate. Waiting is awful and much of the cancer experience involves waiting. You would think I would have grown more patient in the process but I am not. So I need to put my brave face on, crack a few jokes in the operating room, pop a boatload of valium and go in all guns ablazin´. I can do this. And it isnt like I can just not show up tomorrow. I have to do this and I will - with grace and courage.
Wish me luck everyone!