Friday, June 7, 2013
I Want To Grow Old with You
"There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I´m sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don´t hurt". Author Unknown
I am checking in with you all and having an all around pretty good day. After spending the last week or two, permanently stuck under a black cloud of despair, the sun has come out again. And boy does it feel good. I was getting abit worried about myself and wondered if I might be in a darker place then I thought. It is impossible not to feel down or depressed when you are facing cancer and I have no problem admitting that I sometimes wrestle with the big D sometimes. How could I not? The last week and half just sucked. My hair was falling out, my body hurt, I felt ill, I couldn´t do anything, and I felt like a prisoner in my own body. Some days I wish so much that I could just unzip myself out of this body and get out to have a day without cancer or pain or tiredness. Because no matter what I do, I never ever really get away from it. There is always something that pulls me back to the present...the situation at hand. And I have been dealing with alot of anger at so many things. I feel like I am living this cancer type of groundhog day where nothing changes. It is the same every day and I find the repetition of it all so hard to bear. I also feel like everyone else seems to be moving forward with their lives and doing all the things I want to do. Instead, we have fallen behind again. When I had begun to work again and be part of the normal world, I felt like I had made up for the some of the lost time from my first diagnosis, but suddenly I feel even further back then I was when it all first kicked off. And god does it make me crazy and often sad. Cancer girl in waiting I guess.
But onto the matter at hand that I has been on my mind the past few days. June is a month full of birthdays of both family and friends. Some people are turning 5 and others are turning 40. Everyone is dealing with the prospect of getting older in different ways. Some of us can´t wait to grow up whereas others would like to press some imaginary pause button before they truly start to feel old or god forbid - middle aged. I also watch alot of the Real Housewives shows (don´t judge as this is pure escapism tv) and those women are obsessed with stopping the clock and will go whatever length possible to remain youthful. I started to get annoyed if not angry with all these people worrying and fretting over the ageing process. You know why? Because growing old is not a right but rather a priviledge. I have people I am fortunate to call friends who are dealing with the reality that they wont get to their 50th birthday, or have Christmases surrounded by their grandchildren, play bridge at the seniors center or enjoy the peace of retirement. That is a tragedy. Not a wrinkly forehead or saggy bottom. I myself live in constant fear of losing out on the chance to grow old. Never have i wanted a face covered in wrinkles, hands peppered with liver spots, and a head of silvery shining white hair more then I do now. I want to be there to see everything come together in the end. The future is sure to be an amazing place full of new discoveries and adventures and I want to be there to see them. So next time you worry or complain over your scary next birthday or try and fight the hands of time, remember what a luxury it is to have that time. In the end, nothing else really matters. Time with your loved ones, time to fulfill a dream, time to discover exactly who you are...these are the treasures of life. And I am certain none of these things can be found in a $300 jar of miracle wrinkle cream made from whale sperm! :)
Now I will get off my soapbox and stop with the lecturing. The greatest waste of a life is someone who doesn´t appreciate what they have - right now. So get out there and live.
PS: Hair update - still have a significant amount that is remaining attached however there is a small bald spot forming on the top. We will be monitoring it for further developments and decide what to do should it come to a case of "old man head". I am banking on keeping what I have now so I can go to my Onco and tell me "Hey buddy - you were wrong." :)