Saturday, June 1, 2013

The Black hole

It has again taken me much longer then intended between entries. So here I am over a week past my second trip to the C-Spa and starting to rejoin the land of the living again. How did it all go? Well it was different then the first. It all started out abit silly when we shipped our daughter off Thursday to her grandparents, I took the anti nausea pills and we headed to the hospital ready for the second torture session. The mental preparation required for these types of events is massive so you can imagine my upset when they told us that I was not actually getting any chemo today and it was only tests and dr talks. However this anti climax was quickly flipped into something good when we decided to head out for sushi and enjoy an evening at home without kids.

Knowing more about what was coming this time removed some of the anxiety over the what ifs but I was still so afraid of things going wrong. I worry that my port isn´t working properly and the toxic poison will spread through my body. I worry that I will react to some medication and start having anaphalactic fits. I worry about what other side effects could show up (tinnitis is one of those terrors). Such a bloody catastrophiser I am! But I am happy to report that everything went according to plan. My bloodwork was actually really good and everything seems to be going as well as can be expected. I actually felt pretty good the first two days and thought maybe my luck had changed. But the reality fairy unfortunately showed up Monday and things started to get really tough. Not only was the physical toll of this so awful, the emotional toll started to weigh down heavily on me. I am a chemo veteran and have been through this before but this seems so much harder then the last time. I remember feeling bad for about 3 or 4 days and then bouncing back but this time...It never ever feels like I get back to much of anything. There is of course improvement and today I am testament to that in the things I can do today that I couldn´t do a few days ago. But I had a breakdown day. Wednesday. The weather was crap. I had a headache like I do most days during treatment. There was a major nausea party going on in the tummy and my body just had nothing. The smallest thing took any energy I had and I spent the entire day on the couch drifting in and out of sleep. This feeling of just having nothing is new to me and it feels downright crap. I am a young woman and I should not be feeling like this. I have always had the little reserve of energy to get me through. Not this time. And to make matters worse, the hair has started to fall out. Everything came crashing down on me and it was just too much. I was on my own which doesnt help and I was just was so angry. This is a struggle like none I have experienced before and it feels like every treatment digs me deeper and deeper into this hole. So as you can see it was a tough week for OBB.

But there is always light in the darkest of moments and it came to me in a variety of forms.

I received a hand knit quilt in the post this week, organised by my fellow cancer blogger and all around super hero, Anniken Rokseth  Every patch on it was knit by someone different across Norway and it was put together for the sole purpose of providing comfort to a cancer patient. In this case it was me which was amazing but also kind of different for me. I have never been on the receiving end of charity before. I am happy to report that I used it for every single one of my naps this week (and there were many). For more info on this project check out Ull og om tanke

I came home from the acupuncturist on Thursday to a beautiful bouquet of flowers that brightened my day and my living room.

My daughter got sent a huge box full of the most wonderful Princess and Fairy inspired outfits to suitably distract her for a few days!

When I wrote a depressing status update on Facebook at the height of my black hole of despair moment, my army rose to the challenge and went into battle mode. I am not going to lie - I needed some sympathy and boy did I get it. I received messages from around the world at once. One friend told me she was going to clean my house and bring groceries next week, another brought soups and sauces to stock my freezer and another organised a food surprise to lighten the load on my husband. Because let´s face it - if he doesn´t cook, we starve in this house. So many people were happy to drop everything and be here for me in whatever way they could. Many of you have sent amazing care packages to me that make a bad day frankly amazing. I just find it amazing how you can become so isolated by illness but the world of blogging and facebook allows you to still feel part of something and in the company of others. And I am amazed by how many awesome friends I have in this world. You guys are really tops and I am so fortunate to have you on my team. I continue to be blown away on a daily basis by the kindness and generosity of you all.You spoil me, my daughter and my husband!

I am off shortly to the hairdresser and will be cutting the hair short. No buzz cut yet but I need to take some of the power back and stop watching these strands falls all over the place. What will be will be...

Love to you all! Thank you for helping me back from the dark side. xxx


  1. Once again, relieved to hear that you've successfully got through the second C-Spa. It's not easy,however,you've made it again! Instead of getting frustrated on Thursday when the chemo wasn't given as scheduled, it's so smart of you to flip into something good instantly - head out for sushi and enjoy an evening without kids. Cheers!!!

    Don't worry about your port might not work properly or the toxic poison will spread through your body. That would rarely happen. All of those(cancer patient friends)that I know who have used ports before found them very reliable and convenient. I remember when I was receiving my Herceptin chemo treatment, I encountered patients who have used ports for more than a year and never experienced any problem. The nurse will definitely check it every time to make sure it's safe before she connects the medication onto it.

    It's wonderful to hear that you've received so much kindness and generosity at a time when you are in need of support and caring. Sure,you are fortunate but isn't that you very much deserve it too? It reveals how truly you are living in a world surrounded by love and care and are not isolated by illness. Close by you at this difficult time of challenge are simply awesome friends and helping hands from everywhere.

    Take courage Kate! It's a very difficult journey, we understand. Make it a day at a time! This roller coaster ride is awfully and hatefully unpleasant, but after the crashing moments of horror and nausea will come the overcoming feeling of calmness and conquering. I know it's easier said than done but I firmly believe that you will make it.

    Hope the acupuncture, the hand-knit quilt,the amazing care packages will take away a bit of your depression and despair and give you some kind of relief and warmth. After the hair stylist, for sure you'll have a different outlook, but it probably will make you feel cooler in the summer. Take great care! Thinking about you and be assured of my daily prayer for you.

    Hugs and Prayers

  2. dear kate,

    this was an amazing update - so many ups and downs, but as per usual, the ups and team oob won! i think it is true that you have so many wonderful and generous and thoughtful friends because YOU are all those things. i send you the light of love to be your guide, and warm hugs to enfold you in fearlessness. and i bet you will look FABULOUS with a short "do".

    much love, XOXO

    karen, TC