Sunday, July 14, 2013
The Final Frontier
I remember when I wrote about finishing the C-spa the first time nearly two years ago. I was elated, ecstatic and so overjoyed to be done with it. I ordered a cake for the nurses and my husband and I celebrated with cake and ipads. It was wonderful. Unfortunately the same elation and joy wasnt with us this week as I went in for my last visit. I think I have grown alittle too jaded with all this cancer crap. I of course want to recognise what an enormous feat it is getting through the last 3 months which were genuinely the hardest time I have ever experienced in my life. But I also want to forget them...fast. Even thinking about things related around it or simply touching the backpack I took with me to the hospital brings on subtle but noticeable waves of nausea. I am traumatised. I went to hell and back and I never want to go back. I think therein lies my problem because the first time you finish with it, you think - ok this is done, go me, I am a rockstar and I will never ever have to do this again. But the second time, your initial nightmare has already been realised and you aren´t as innocent or trusting anymore. I most definitely do not want to do this again and I want to scream positivity from the rooftops but I am also a cancer veteran. I know what can be hiding in the cellar - I have known beasts from the most terrifying places who can hunt you down. So maybe that is why I am not busting out the cake quite yet or deciding what I will buy to commemorate this milestone. And also maybe I dont want to even give another inch to cancer itself. Why celebrate anything revolving around it. I guess I could simply celebrate the fact that I am alive. Simple as that. And maybe buy some nice shoes?
I want to thank you all for being such a kick ass team through the last few months. I honestly had parcels and cards in my postbox daily and they so helped lift me up. You guys have really been here for the long haul and we have all been on this wild ride for nearly 2 and a half years now. God that is a long time to write about one thing eh? I guess that is how books are written. :)
I will write more when the brain is alittle more together as I am still far from in "perfect working order." In terms of my journey - no news for a week as to what happens next so I will enjoy the beautiful weather we are having, indulge in a Norwegian strawberry and just watch the world go by.
Love to you all,