Friday, September 20, 2013

Bad Timing and Luck Required


I know I usually try and focus on the bright side of life and find the funny in the serious but the last few days have been tough - culminating with a complete emotional breakdown yesterday. No I haven´t been given a terminal sentence and no one has told me that my cancer is back. Instead we took a hit from the system that is there to help those who become sick. Now I don´t want this entry to become an open letter criticising a health care and social system because for the most part my husband and I have felt very well looked after by it and we are eternally grateful for this. It is a system that for the most part looks after the people who are in it, but this week I just felt like this system broke me in two.

Many of the decisions we have made and the decisions the cancer cells in my body have made over the past few years failed to fit neatly into the desired timeframes. We moved to a new country a few months before I gave birth therein forfeiting certain rights and remunerations. We were given a first cancer diagnosis before I had time to get my life back on track post baby and paid a price for that. We were given a second cancer diagnosis that came too soon for me to be included in the system. Like my husband said to our case worker a few months earlier - "We really can´t afford for my wife to get cancer right now." And we really can´t. I have been lucky enough to have had my own financial buffers to bridge the initial gap. We also had some guardian angels who have stepped in and helped ease the burden of falling between the lines again and we are forever grateful for that. But what happens when for some insane reason, they find a reason, or the law finds a reason for me to be excluded again. After falling on the wrong side of the line so many times before, I am just out of energy to dig myself out of the hole I fell in yesterday. And God did I cry. I sobbed - deep gutteral sounds from deep within my soul. The anger I felt at the situation, at the rules, at the fact that I feel like all of this was the result of one thing - CANCER. Cancer has truly fucked with my life and my resilience feels at an all time low. I have always been proud at the way in which I have bounced back from all these knocks, but I just don´t feel like I can get back up right now. It is becoming near impossible to imagine something actually going our way when so much has gone horribly wrong. How do i shift my thinking? How do i get out from under this black cloud? Yesterday I got a glimpse into the reality of many Americans who face a serious illness without insurance and remember hearing of people forced to work through chemo and surgery because they had no choice. Is that what I have to do even though I know for absolute certain that my body can´t handle that right now? My husband is thankfully much calmer then me and less inclined to catastrophic thinking which helps bring me down slightly. And there is no way he would let me juggle my health for financial reasons.  But I just don´t feel like by having cancer, we should have to struggle more then we already are. Maybe this is me sounding way too entitled and thinking I deserve more but I feel like my efforts to contribute and work full time have fallen to the wayside. I can´t win and I feel like the system only sees me as a series of numbers to plug into a formula that works or doesn´t. And is it okay for me to end up in a depression or have a breakdown because of financial stress over the future while I try and recover from the atrocities my body has been through? This just doesnt make sense to me and I can´t pretend that everything is okay. None of this is okay and just the amount of stress the last 4 days have brought me isn´t okay. I really felt like I couldn´t cope and was drowning. I keep thinking now how this situation could get worse and when the answer is - terminal cancer, you know that you are not in the greatest of places. I hope so much that this gets resolved in a few days (it has to be okay right - I figure that one person can only take so much) and I know how many people are putting their neck out for me but god do I find it hard to see the silver lining here. Life feels so unfair. Cancer - why did you have to come and monsoon on my parade?

Please send me happy positive thoughts for next week that somehow we find a way for everything to be okay again. Thanks for the support - I need a double dose of it this week.

OBB (writing from under a great big boulder that has got me stuck!)

11 comments:

  1. OBB I am going to rally the Twitterverse on your behalf and will put out the bat signal! My dear I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this stress and pressure. It's SO not fair. Have you considered an online fundraiser to help with some of your medical costs? (Sites like http://www.giveforward.com could make a big difference.) Or maybe add advertising to your blog to generate some income? Think about it. Sending massive hugs to you and your family. You deserve so much more than what you've been dealing with. xoxoxoxo

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    1. Hi Renn. Thanks for rallying the troops. This latest blow has really taken me down to a dark place. Even after having been through two cancer diagnoses, this has hit me the hardest. I dont recognise myself. It is very uncommon in Norway to do this kind of fundraising because most people dont need it due to the strength of the social programs here. And culturally it is strange but if it gets to that point, I will do what I have to do. I cant be embarassed about this and it wasnt out fault. We hung on for years managing on our own but when you fall thru the cracks again, it is ok to ask for help. I just cant believe we are dealing with this and also coping with the terror of what will happen with that next scan in a few months. Too much Renn....to much. Thanks for your unwavering support. It means alot. xxx

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  2. I am so sorry for all you are going through. Back in the BC days (before cancer) financial/ insurance issues were the ones that could instantly reduce me to tears. Breast cancer has also had the ability to reduce me to tears. Adding the two together is so overwhelming. Crying is my outlet, I have accepted it.
    I understand so much of what you're going through. I'm sending positive thoughts and energy your way.
    Please persevere, it can only get better (tongue-in-cheek).
    Jane

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    1. Hi Jane. Thanks for your openness and honesty over your own struggles. I completely relate and have cried more in the last week then I have in years. It wasnt cancer that broke me, it is this or as you say - the combination of the two. We shouldnt have to be dealing with this. I think after so much suffering, we should be entitled to alittle fun and stress relief. Thanks for the support Jane. Definitely need it right now. xxx

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  3. dear kate,

    I hear you and I have everything that can be crossed crossed for you so that you will have relief. having to worry about the financial side of cancer, with all you have been through really is JUST TOO MUCH!!!

    I am sending you every possible happy, positive thought and powerful vibes to remedy the miserable (and unfair) situation you are in. please keep us posted, dear friend, and hang tight onto hope, as I am for you, that all will be okay again.

    much love and light,

    Karen, TC

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    1. Hi Karen, Thank you again for your loving and caring words of encouragement. It always feels like a warm hug. I need alot of hugs right now. This is really testing me and I am actually scared of how I feel. I have never been here before and it doesnt feel good. I need all the strength I can get to get through the next few months and this derail is not what we need rght now. Life sucks sometimes and feels so unfair. I am hoping for a miracle or two. Love, OBB xx

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  4. Just hang in there; I'm sure there will be a reasonable resolution of your situation even if you can't imagine it at this time. You are right, it is beyond unfair that a person battling for their life has to worry about paying for their care and the bureaucracy of insurance/government rules. It is for this reason that I cannot understand those who would argue against universal care. No one ever chooses to seek painful medical procedures when they have the choice to avoid it. And all of us are human and face the same vulnerabilities - even if many of us are lucky enough not to realize it yet. OK enough ranting. I still believe that some days/weeks are rougher than others when nothing seems to work out, and then somehow rules are bent or someone with authority and compassion sees fit to help you. I think things will work out for you, and you can go back to worry about more ordinary concerns. You deserve it ten times over. All of us who have never met you, are pulling for you and sending you love.

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  5. I am really so sorry to hear that after so much struugles in your cancer journey,and there seems to be a good break, but now you have to deal with the financial issue. Honestly, that's way too heavy a burden for you and your husband to confront. Though I don't quite actually understand how you are suddenly excluded from the medical system, nomatter what, that's totally UNFAIR treatment for someone who has been bombarded and tortured so much for two years emotionally and physically by cancer. Dear Kate,I know it's simple and easy for me to say "Take courage, move on, keep fighting" yet in reality, things are not that simplistic. Thankfully at least, you are lucky to have such a good, faithful and loving husband by your side and who is always so positive,supportive,calm and less inclined to catastrophic thinking which helps bring down the temperature. Talk it out between you two and see what possible ways or solution you can come up with. Setting up a fundraiser online or seeking financial support from charitable foundations may not be a bad idea. I sincerely pray that you two would have the true guardian angel again to help enlighten your burden. Remember, Good Health is number 1 in life. When you have life, you can have money. If a problem can be solved by money, then it's not a problem anymore. Sending you my warmest embrace and will keep asking the Higher Power to shower Grace and Strength your way.
    Hugs and Prayers

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  6. I am really so sorry to hear that after so much struugles in your cancer journey,and there seems to be a good break, but now you have to deal with the financial issue. Honestly, that's way too heavy a burden for you and your husband to confront. Though I don't quite actually understand how you are suddenly excluded from the medical system, nomatter what, that's totally UNFAIR treatment for someone who has been bombarded and tortured so much for two years emotionally and physically by cancer. Dear Kate,I know it's simple and easy for me to say "Take courage, move on, keep fighting" yet in reality, things are not that simplistic. Thankfully at least, you are lucky to have such a good, faithful and loving husband by your side and who is always so positive,supportive,calm and less inclined to catastrophic thinking which helps bring down the temperature. Talk it out between you two and see what possible ways or solution you can come up with. Setting up a fundraiser online or seeking financial support from charitable foundations may not be a bad idea. I sincerely pray that you two would have the true guardian angel again to help enlighten your burden. Remember, Good Health is number 1 in life. When you have life, you can have money. If a problem can be solved by money, then it's not a problem anymore. Sending you my warmest embrace and will keep asking the Higher Power to shower Grace and Strength your way.
    Hugs and Prayers

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  7. Hi Kate, I just got reading through a few of your posts and I had a quick question. I am involved in the cancer community and was hoping you could email me back when you get the chance. Thanks! - emilywalsh688(at)gmail.com.

    Emmy

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    1. Hi Emmy, Thanks for reading. I sent you an email and look forward to hearing from you. OBB

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