Call me Rare

"The most beautiful people I´ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths."
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Since I last wrote, I was in a very dark place and I was feeling like things were utterly hopeless. A week on, I can´t say that much has changed but I guess it has become less of a shock and more of a daily struggle to get through. We don´t have any decisions from the higher powers regarding our case but I have to say that my husband is just amazing. He has pulled energy and strength from the deepest of places to fight for me...to fight for us. He is there when I cannot be. He speaks when all I can do is cry. He understands my anger and bitterness and never judges. I am so lucky to have him here by my side even if his fanatical cleaning methods drive me mad sometimes. Because at the end of the day all that little stuff is pretty insignificant and the most important thing is to have someone who loves you, cares for you and will fight to the ends of the earth for you. I think that is what he has done this week is maybe the most romantic thing he has ever done for me and it is love in it purest sense. Forget the flowers, the diamonds, the fancy dinners - when the chips are down and life feels hopeless and this person can manage to make you feel hope again, then you know are have picked the right one.

Our week has been difficult. I spent a good part of it crying and seemed to burst into tears whenever someone asked me how I was doing. Simple words that can become like a loaded gun in times of stress. I started seeing a therapist this week but I think it has taken two sessions to just get through all my problems and we are nowhere near finding any solutions yet. But at least I am doing something proactive. I have been feeling very low and my reaction to this latest blow is actually worse then it was hearing that I had cancer twice. I just cant get out of this quick sand and it consumes more and more of me every day. I think that is what spurred my husband into action - seeing how broken and distraught his wife had become. It isn´t me. I am stronger then this and he knows it. Amidst meetings and phone calls, we also hit another bout of unfortunate luck. Ya - I know can u frickin´believe it? I went it Tuesday for a routine rinsing of my central port because you need to do this every 4-6 weeks to keep it infection free. I also was going in for a heart check as with all this heightened stress in my life, my heart was going bananas again. But when they tried to push the saltwater through my catheter nothing happened except pain. Oh no...I actually instantly burst into tears with the nurse who assured it would be okay. I just couldn´t take anymore going wrong right now. After a doctor and anaesthetic nurse came to check it out, we concluded it needed to come out fairly quickly so an appointment was made for a Thursday. Getting the port out is a pretty minor procedure and involves sedation and local anaesthesia so I thought it would be ok. Not something I wanted to do but it was minor compared to the long list of awful things I had already done. So I arrived at the hospital early Thursday for blood tests and then proceeded to wait for hours and hours. I had become quite nervous when they finally came for me as I always hate getting an IV in. But when I arrived at the operating suite, I met some old friends who had looked after me before. The anaesthesiologist greeted me like an old friend and said he knew my veins and would do his best to hit a home run. As the procedure got under way, I was doing ok until the doctor proclaimed as he pulled the contraption out that half of it was missing. Hmmm...that isn´t what I wanted to hear. This is an extremely rare complication that almost never happens but this is me we are talking about so perhaps not so surprising. I was taken immediately to radialogy where they took xrays to locate the missing 12cm of wiring. And you know where they found it? In the right atrium of my heart!!! Perhaps this was the source of some of my heart problems? They informed me that they would be removing immediately and accessing the big vein in my groin and travelling all the way up to my heart to pull this sucker out. Yes I know it sounded crazy to me too and I was so unprepared for it as was my husband who couldn´t help but be terrified on my behalf. So off they went up and away through my vein and I could actually feel them fiddling away in my chest while trying to locate this thing.  Super strange feeling. But they got it and it was finally out. I was relieved but my husband and I nearly collapsed from the stress of the moment and the whole last week really. Enough was enough. So I spent another night in hospital with all my old nurses who told me I really had to stop showing up like this. Tell me about it. When the doctors did their rounds in the morning, they said they hadn´t been surprised when they heard it was me who had encountered this rare complication. If something is weird or rare, it most likely happens to me. One good thing came out of this medical emergency though - it made me forget about our other big emergency which was actually kinda nice. But I am really done now. I am tired of being brave and being afraid but having to do things anyway. I am tired of being so anxious and stressed that my body begins shaking at the slighest thing. We deserve a few months of rest before the next merry go round begins again. We need it. So i am hoping I can stay out of a hospital for at least a week and that this outstanding case we are fighting goes our way. We are good people who have hit some really big bumps and just need a break. I don´t want to beg for some relief but never say never.

A fragile and slightly sore,

OBB