“For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning."
First of all - Happy New Year everyone. I hope you all had a nice and restful holiday and are greeting the new year with open arms and extra big smiles. I love Christmas excessively and always find that it all goes by far too quickly and suddenly we are taking out the boxes again to put all the glittery, sparkly beautiful things away. I always feel sad that first weekend after New Years when everything disappears and we have nothing but an extra long cold and dark month ahead of us. But of course I had my little monkey´s fourth birthday yesterday too which was simply wonderful. I put everything I had into the day to ensure it was extra special for her. I feel that with everything I have been through, every moment matters and I want to make days like this absolutely perfect and it was. I can´t believe I have a four year old already. I did alot of thinking back to that day when she became a tiny little person in my arms and I embraced motherhood so fully and completely. Little did I know what would be awaiting me so soon afterwards. To be honest - I find it so hard to see her grow up so fast. She is my baby and most likely will be my only baby and I want her to stay little forever. I think she is far more perceptive then I give her credit because when I remarked how big she was getting yesterday, she said to me that I would get sad when she was bigger. I smiled and reassurred that I did want her to grow up but that she would always be my baby to which she agreed. I am also celebrating my own birthday next week which I feel priviledged to be doing as turning 34 is an honour and not a drag. I probably would have freaked about approaching my mid to late 30s had I not been smacked by the cancer stick because as I know - nothing is owed to you and growing old is not a right. So I will be fully embracing my saggy knees and crows feet thank you very much.
In other news - I bit the bullet and overcame my fear of planning for the future and (through some gentle prodding from my husband) booked tickets to Canada at the end of the month. It was crazy and I was hyperventilating as the ticket confirmation page was loading. I had been humming and hawing over it for over a month and finding reasons to not book. Of course the trip sits smack dab in the middle of this scanning limbo and as a result stirs up lots of emotions. It also reminded me of the last two trips I had to cancel because of "unforeseen medical emergencies" and I most definitely didn´t want to do it again. But I have decided that I will go to Canada regardless of what happens unless a doctor tells me otherwise. I need this - it has been over two years since I was there so I am well overdue and i think being with my family will be therapeutic. So monkey and me will take to the friendly skies and hopefully survive the trip. I have been growing increasingly anxious being out in public with her these days when I feel so fatigued, dizzy and just plain out of it. I get so scared that I will collapse and she will be alone, scared and not know what to do. I never worried about this stuff until the whole wedding debacle in September. Losing control and consciousness in front of lots of people is absolutely terrifying and I can´t imagine how much worse that situation would have been had she been there too. I guess I have more anxiety issues to work through then I thought. Hello therapy!
And finally...we are in January and my scan is now less then 2 weeks away. I don´t how the time went by so fast. I remember asking my doctor for a 5 month break as a favour because I desperately needed a long break from cancer but now...here we are again ready to embark on the cancer merry go round. To be totally honest (because that is what this blog is all about) - I have no gut feel about how this is going to go at all. Maybe it is my way of protecting myself this time or maybe it is the result of having been through so many of these, the waiting times, the expectations and the disapointment. I genuinely have no idea but of course I want the outcome to be good. I have been telling myself that I look much too good to be ill again as have many other people but then I played games with myself today by studying pictures of me and monkey as a baby, looking wonderfully healthy and serene despite the fact a deadly cancer was growing aggressively in my body. It is hard to deal with all of this sometimes and what a mind fuck it can be! But all will be known very soon and hopefully all that poison and radiation held up its end of the bargain and killed everything. It does feel like a judgement day of sorts due to fact that there is just so much riding on this. I don´t want to hear more bad news and I dont want anyone to dig around in my body anymore. There is nothing left to take and my life needs no more interruptions. So you can be assured that I will keep you all updated on the scan and what we hope will be big scale celebrations in Canada afterwards! And there will be champagne people...there will be champagne.
Wishing you all well in 2014 and hope you make this year your best yet. I am hoping this will be mine.