Thursday, January 16, 2014
On my way to bed last night I stopped by my daughters´room and kneeled down by her bedside. I listened to her breath in and out - little whistling sounds and studied the look of utter peace across her face. Like many mothers, I could sit and watch my child sleep for hours. I whispered in her ear "Mama loves you soooo much. You will always be my baby no matter what." I nearly choked on the last words as a tear trickled down my cheek when I thought about the possibility of not having the chance to be her mother as she grew up. It just made me feel physically ill - thinking about losing out on that experience of molding the child I had created. Because you see - last night when I went to bed I didn´t know what was going to happen today. All I knew was that my doctor had asked me to come in to get the results from Tuesday´s scan. So many scenarios swirled around in my head and most of them were of course horrifically awful. So when I dropped her off at daycare this morning, I wondered about whether this would be a major moment - the last moment where things would still be normal and that maybe, just maybe when I returned to pick her up again things would be so unbelievably different.
It seems that life has finally given us hope and a lifeline. After three years of disapointments and crushing defeats, we have finally claimed a victory against the Big C. When I saw my doctor wave us in, he smiled - in that comforting "everything is going to be okay" kind of way. Because to be honest I had been close to hyperventilating in the waiting room. We sat down and he said that things actually looked quite good. I think both my husband and I were in shock as after what we have been through, we pretty much had prepared ourselves for the worst. But it seems that the hell I went through last year paid off and there is...Drum roll people - NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE!!!!! Yes that is right folks - I am officially and medically speaking cancer free. It feels good to say it and know it is true. I have earned my second survivorship pin with a PET scan to prove it. I think we should go out and buy a lottery ticket because we definitely have beat the odds on this one and kicked the stats out of the water. I was the first breast cancer patient in Norway to receive this kind of treatment and I am happy to be a success story. It feels fantastic and though my doctor is far from the emotional vocal type, I think he is pretty pleased that he managed to rid my body of this dreaded disease. Of course this is cancer we are talking about so the road doesnt end here and we have many more of these scans to get through but getting through one is reason enough to feel relieved and ecstatic. We did it everybody! See - cancer doesnt always win. :)
There are other things to discuss but I will save those for another day because today is simply going to be the day I was told that I kicked cancer´s ass. So what do I take from this whole life altering experience? Well - as cheesy as it sounds, you really can´t ever give up or stop hoping for things to get better. In just 6 months, I went from wanting to stop chemo because I felt like it was killing me (ironic choice of words) to celebrating slaying the C-dragon to the ground and being able to look at my future with confidence instead of fear. And I finally get to go to Canada! Woohoo!
It is Thursday which I think is acceptably close enough to the weekend to warrant cracking open some champers or wine. So please raise your glass with me and let´s all say together - FUCK CANCER!
Thank you again to all of you who helped me through this latest saga. Friends and family really are the best things a person can have and I think life would be empty and meaningless without them.
Here are some visual reminders:
Love from a super happy cancer free OBB!!!