The Cancer Curse

I think this is the first time I have managed to write a blog entry so soon after the C-spa trip and it feels good. Yesterday went better on the whole anxiety front surrounding the IV which was very relieving for me. It also felt good that this would be my last FEC round which is the worst one you can get. The rest of the day was not a walk in the park and I spent my time in bed with a cold facecloth on my head from about 2pm to 630am this morning. However I am doing well today and hoping my trip to the acupuncturist shortly will sort me out. I also have my last nasty injection today which is also a reason to celebrate. Lots of goodbyes to lots of unpleasant things for me today so it is a reason to smile.

I did decide after talking to my oncologist yesterday that a VAP would be a good option for me. What the hell is a VAP you ask? Well it is a venous arterial port that they implant under your skin just below your collar bone that makes putting IVs in considerably easier. I am not thrilled with the idea of getting something implanted under my skin (think the Matrix) but if it means reducing anxiety I am all for it. It also makes sense seeing as I am getting my next chemo cycle weekly. I was also relieved to hear my doctor tell me that I would no longer get nausea from my new drug nor would I need the white blood cell booster shot. I told him I would come looking for him if it wasn’t the case and he laughed and said he would be on holiday anyways! :) Yes even oncologists can make jokes.

Our discussion did take a more serious turn however as given some recent news within my family, the very real fear of a genetic link for breast and ovarian cancer has suddenly become too much of a reality. Upon hearing of my news, he felt that it was necessary for me to get the BRCA 1 genetic test. Now until I had cancer I really knew nothing of this gene and it isn’t a gene you want to get to know. This gene is essentially like a misspelling in your genetic coding which results in your body not being able to read or understand it. It is not that common and usually only account for less than 10% of all breast and ovarian cancers. However if you are unfortunate enough to have it, you carry an 80% chance of developing breast cancer in your lifetime and a 40-60% chance with ovarian cancer. This is considerably higher than the general population and often prompts women with the gene to remove all those affected organs before the cancer develops. All very scary facts to digest when one is already facing cancer. And the other equally scary part of this cancer curse is how it is inherited within families. If one of your parents carries the gene, the children have a 50/50 chance of having the gene themselves. It is really like a sick version of Russian roulette. So not only do I have to worry about myself, but I must worry about my siblings, my nieces and my daughter. It is a lot to process and my doctor agreed that something as major as this could wait till I had made it through my treatment. He also echoed my hopes that for the little ones in 20 or so years, cancer would be curable and prognoses miles ahead of where it was now. We seek comfort wherever we can. So it was a bit of a blow for me yesterday hearing of this cancer curse. However as my husband always reminds me – you can’t react to something that hasn’t yet been confirmed and to wait till you know all the facts. Then you can make your game plan, so that is precisely what I am doing. Task 1 – get healthy Task 2 – be happy Task 3- Find out everything.

So I am going to enjoy the next 3 weeks and really live it up (well as much as one can do when there is no alcohol or exotic travel involved!). I also have a wonderful visit from my brother and his family in the next few weeks which is a real treat as I am homebound. Family and friends are truly the best medicine for the mind and it is so lovely to have things to look forward to at a time like this.

Happy Wednesday Everyone!
OBB

Ding, ding, ding - It's nearly time for Round 4

Well I am less than two days away from my fourth round of FEC! You would think I would be relieved in a way as it is my last FEC round however I am anxious. I think my anxiety over the IV process is outweighing the actual c-spa experience. I also am still hanging onto to this cold and don’t really feel like throwing chemo and injection side effects into the mix. So you could say I am really not in the mood for chemo this week. Now if I only I had a choice in the matter! I think a big part of cancer is continually having to do things you genuinely don’t want to do.

For those of you not in the Big C Club, the process following on from Tuesday’s round is another cycle of a totally different drug. This time I will get my toxic cocktail every week for 12 weeks instead of every 21 days. On paper it sounds way worse but in reality it is supposed to be much easier on your body and the side effects do not include nausea. Yippeee!! I am handing in my lifejacket and getting off this boat! But I will have to make a weekly trip to the C-Spa and struggle with my IV anxiety much more often. Hmm….But seeing as the last 12 weeks have literally flown by, I am hopeful the next 12 will continue at the same pace and I will be finished my C-spa reservation before I know it. How amazing will that be?
Probably the most dramatic effect of my upcoming drug is hair loss which I have already dealt with. Funny fact though - I would say 50% of my hair is still hanging on and the spots where it has gone have already started growing back. Unfortunately all those bad boys will be on the cutting room floor again and my eyebrows and lashes will most likely join in the mass exodus with my next happy cocktail. I wonder how I will look without eyebrows as I am totally unbothered by my bald head and often forget how different I must look. I guess we adjust in order to cope with tough situations and my period of transition has been relatively painless so bring on the eyebrows!

This week I have been fortunate enough to have one of dearest friends visit me all the way from Australia this week. My lovely husband was given a break to visit his friends in England and France for the week on the condition that I had someone to help me with our daughter. And how lucky am I to have friends who don’t even need to be asked to jump on a plane and help a girl out. She even left her own toddler at home in order to focus on helping me out which us mothers know is not an easy thing to do. My energy levels have been good this week so we have actually had a great week of sunshine, laughter and lots of girly chats about everything and anything including the Big C. I often think that my cancer experience has really brought me closer to many of my friends around the world. As I have often mentioned in this blog – when your mortality is put into question, you realize what is truly important and also who in your life really has your back. Not everyone can handle disease which I can understand but I am blown away on a daily basis by the strength, warmth and generosity of my peeps. You all make such a difference in my journey and I again want to thank you all for it.

So as I sit here typing away next to my angelic sleeping daughter, I think about how I am getting closer and closer to the finish line. Every struggle, every emotion, every moment moves me further along the board of life to the gorgeous paradise waiting at the end that I call health and happiness.

OBB

What are you afraid of?

I have been notably absent from the world of my blog and I wish I could give you some exciting reason like I was on safari or was sunning myself on some tropical beach. However the real reasons are far less interesting. While enjoying some rest and relaxation (and babysitting help) at the cabin, I caught my daughter’s cold and six days later I still have it! Never have I feared a cold more in my life then while going through chemo as it can really wear you down and you don’t exactly have the same strength to fight it as you did before. It is also made me quite angry as this was precisely the time of my cycle where I was actually supposed to feel good and I felt robbed of that by this common cold. It got me thinking about fear though and how that emotion is affecting me and my Big C experience these days.

Most of the time I have my emotions in check however when the lights go off and the quiet of the night takes over, sometimes my brain goes into overdrive. Now fear is nothing new to me. I know I have mentioned in an earlier blog that there is little that scares me now after facing cancer however that might not exactly be the case. There is still plenty to be afraid like losing my daughter in a playground, snakes! criminals looking for trouble, big dogs…I could go on. And this has been the case since I was a little girl. I still remember making my father go outside at 3am on a -30 degree night in January in Montreal to check for an intruder as I claimed I heard someone climbing the TV antennae and could make out footsteps in the snow. I must have made a compelling argument because he did go and reported back that there was in fact no one crazy enough to break into a house in sub zero temps and the footsteps were mine from playing in the snow earlier that day. Yes my fear bordered on the obsessive and sometimes hysterical. I used to chalk it up to the fact I was a writer and had a very active imagination. But then again what normal 10 year old would plan her escape route depending on where danger presented itself while trying to fall asleep! So the fact that I have been relatively calm through this experience is a testament to the fact that I have clearly grown as a person and rational human being.

One thing I have been struggling with though is the fear of the cancer returning. I am sure this is something every Big C survivor encounters and must learn to manage as the years go by. I could see how if not careful, this could begin to take control of your life. Going through a cancer diagnosis and the subsequent treatment is the definition of hell and the thought of having to go through it all over again is almost unfathomable. And of course now that I am in this special club I am privy to stories of people facing this very real fear and it really terrifies me. I sometimes think that I was unlucky enough to get cancer young and for it to be a bad kind so what makes me different from others who deal with a relapse? I know these are unconstructive negative thoughts but in my circumstance I also think they are completely normal. I figure it is a good thing that I want to get this fear under control now so that I won’t be a prisoner to cancer in the coming years. But how does one conquer one’s fear? I can’t really face it head on but I guess I can learn to understand where it comes from, why it is a normal response and also when to check it at the door! I have already given one year of my life to this disease so there is no way it is entitled to any more time. And like my treatment, it is a process, a long one albeit, but a process and I look forward to a time when all of this will be over and a new beginning starts.

So there is nothing wrong with fear – it makes us human just as long as it doesn’t inhibit your progress on taking the next step forward. Because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life afraid of what could be, I want to just live it.

And next Tuesday is my last C-spa round of the nasty stuff! It will be a major milestone and I am so looking forward to bidding adieu to my dear friend FEC. I will begin a new drug in August that is apparently a lot friendlier then this one! The last 12 weeks flew by so I hope the next 12 go at the same pace!

Happy summer!
OBB

Round 3: Done and Dusted

“The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it”, Moliere

Well seeing as I have been awake since 330am (thank you cortisone for that welcome wakeup call), and tossed and turned for the last 2 hours, I have thrown in the towel and gotten up. I will make up for my lost winks later this morning which is one the perks of the Big C – guilt free napping whenever you feel you need it.

I am now 2 days post my third treatment round and feeling better then yesterday which is always a good thing. I am a big fan of forward progression. How did round 3 go? Well strangely I had a bit of a panic attack over the actual IV process versus actual getting the chemo. Seeing as we had two botched vein attempts under our belts the last two times, I gently asked if another nurse could give it a go as I felt like both myself and my regular nurse had become quite anxious over it all by now. I also discovered that my dear little friend – Mr. White Blood cell injection was not just a one time visitor. He would be joining my little C-spa get together every time now to regulate my blood counts – as you can imagine I was thrilled to bits with this news. Seeing how terrible it had gone last time, I was hoping maybe my body would react in a gentler manner this time as it had done with the chemo. You could say I was looking for a break…any break for the matter.

So as the happy poison hit my veins, my anxiety levels went through the roof and it was my nurse’s suggestion that perhaps I needed a little more valium. I definitely did not argue with her. I told her an awful story my physio had told me the previous day about a very busy and quite young nurse forgetting entirely to run saline through her patients veins before the medicine came which resulted in the patients veins being burned. Like seriously does this guy not know by now how neurotic and suggestive I am? Sufficed to say the story did not help me find my inner peace at all. I think the nurse checked my line about 50x times to ensure it was flowing correctly.

Well once we made it home, I was happy to have ticked off round 3 of 4 of this cycle (which apparently is the worst one) and waited to see what would happen. Unfortunately I think perhaps my flip out may have been counterproductive on the sound effect front as a few hours later I was in bed, cold facecloth on my head, killer headache and on and off tsunami waves rippling through my belly. It was a bit of a low point to say the least. I actually managed to sleep most of the night and woke up feeling fragile but distinctly much improved. It was also the first time we had our daughter home for this treatment round which can be tough for me as it makes me feel so guilty not being able to do all the things I usually do for her every day. I think in some ways she understands when I am unwell and knows papa is her go to person for most things but it is still hard as any mother would know to not be able to look after your child. So after a trip to the acupuncturist, my headache was nearly gone and I actually felt like eating something – sweet potatoes! My go to food through this whole process so far. Next up was another trip to the hospital to get my lovely injection again. I actually got abit nauseous walking through those halls again and felt a bit wobbly when my nurse brought me into the same room as the day before. I definitely can recognize the smells – the sterility, the cold yet re-circulated air, the medicinal notes…Not nice at all really. Anyways shot was done and it was time to go home again.

Once home, I was doing better despite constant flu like aching in my legs that brought me back to my earlier years of struggling with growing pains. I managed some dinner of one of my personal favs – chicken noodle soup. Warms the soul and belly really. And stayed up till 9pm! What a party animal I am peeps!

So how do I feel now? I feel proud of myself for getting through three of these hell sessions but I do have to say this is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to do (and I have given birth!). I also have really come to terms with my temporary identity as cancer superhero because as I realized a few weeks back I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I actually have stopped wearing my wig entirely and don’t care what anyone thinks. When I run into people I haven’t seen in awhile they don’t even realize I am ill until I blurt out “I have cancer.” You should really see their faces when i say it so flippantly! But I take it as a huge compliment because that is the image I want to project – that of a strong, healthy and tough as nails woman just going through a big blip along a very long life line.

Hope you enjoy my new profile pic!
OBB

Stranded on Cancer Island

So it is summer time and that means holidays and vacation time. Unfortunately for me I am stranded on Cancer Island! I have never been grounded before (aside from my last 2 months of pregnancy) and I have always gone somewhere wonderful and fun ever since I was a little girl. However as I am in treatment my plans will consist of a visit to Kitchen Island (AKA my house) with some little trips to the cabin here and there. It also really irritates me that I can’t jump on a plane to go and provide some much needed emotional support to Captain AC. I am happy to report that the Captain is doing very well but it is always nice to have someone to laugh with, share a glass of wine or talk about those fears that always seem to creep up when you are on your own in the dark of night. And I wish I could be that person to sit there, hold her hand and just listen.

So seeing as this bird ain’t doing any flying anytime soon, I must live vicariously through my past summers and the memories that really stand out for me.
For many years as a child, my family would pack up our station wagon to the brim and do the days long drive down to Maine on the east coast of the States. We always stayed at the same hotel by Wells Beach and it was a truly idealic time. As soon as the car was parked and the bags taken upstairs, I would run straight for the pool and spend hours perfecting my hands stands, showing off my syncro moves and doing laps until I was truly water-logged. It was also the only few weeks of the year I was allowed to eat sugary cereal and would eat giant bowls of Lucky Charms and Captain Crunch all day. It was also the time I discovered my entrepreneurial side as I began an avid can collecting business along the beach which I used to buy candy and ice cream at the beach shop. I think it made it all taste even sweeter knowing I had earned it all myself. And my last favorite holiday memory? Fresh lobster sandwiches sold in stalls by the beach – fresh, warm and fluffy white rolls stuffed to the brim with lobster meat and smothered in melted butter and lemon. Does it get any better than this??

As inspired by the National Lampoons European Vacation, my family also embarked on our first European summer vacation when I was 6 and it was an adventure. Five people crammed into a small car over a few weeks could test anyone’s patience but we did have a good time. The highlights – eating shoebox lunches on a freezing cold beach in Northern England and tasting Bacon crisps for the first time; the Remus and Romulus sculpture in the Louvre; my dad bribing us kids to try a mussel in the South of France (I don’t think any of us were brave enough to try); the Punks in London with the Mohawks and safety pin t-shirts; and watching a man fish out an octopus from the docks in Nice. It was a real experience of a lifetime for a little six year old and there are many things that I still remember like they happened yesterday. And what it made so special was that we did it all together.

More recently, my husband and I went on a baby-moon a few months before our daughter was born. We jetted off to the Canary Islands for a week of sun, sand and good food. It an amazing time and we really used the time to do things we would struggle to do on later holidays. Eating dinner past 7pm, playing mini golf, going for walks late at night by the sea, and enjoying the silence! It was a wonderful adieu to our old life of being just the two of us and also allowed us to find some solace to plan for our new life with our little monkey.

Though I have been lucky enough to have travelled to many places throughout my 31 years of life and had some truly amazing summers, I do think some of the best ones I have had were at home. Be it biking to the local pool every day and being the definition of a “pool rat” or having marathon monopoly sessions in the basement when the rain came down with my best friends. I guess it is the people around you that make the difference and maybe not so much the surroundings at the end of the day. So even though I am stuck at home this summer, I am fortunate to have some amazing people around me to make it memorable. So now that I have leant to never take time for granted again, I am living in the moment and rockin’ it in Kitchen Island this year – bald head and all!

What are your favorite memories of summer past and present?

“There shall be eternal summer in the grateful heart.” Celia Thaxter

Happy summer everyone,
OBB

Ode to My Cancierge*

* Wish I could take credit for this clever term but I am borrowing it from the wonderful Showtime tv show called "The Big C."

This is probably the most personal thing I have written on my blog and I am very self conscious about putting it out there. I hope this isn't too cheesy. And to my cancierge - you know who you are.

Ode to My Cancierge

When my world went dark,
You were the spark.
That brought the light back,
Turning me from victim to warrior set to attack.
It has already been a journey of ups and downs,
However I can always rely on you to get a smile out of any frown.
And who else could say I was beautiful with hair or not,
I now realize how lucky we are to have what we have got.
So this is an open message to you to tell you that I care,
And that I appreciate the loving armor you have given me to wear.

OBB

Let's Get Physical

Well I am happy to report that things are still going swimmingly for me this week. I have added a new responsibility to my job description as full time cancer patient. I was asked to participate in a new pilot project for 18 to 35 year olds currently undergoing treatment for cancer. The whole concept is around getting people with similar life circumstances together to exercise, discuss their anxieties, formulate healthy eating plans and get relationship/career advice. I am always up for some socializing and I have needed a reason to start getting more physically fit so I wanted to sign myself right up.

Today was my first day and probably the first time I have broken a sweat since I gave birth! No joke! It was really good and I felt so proud of how fit I still was despite going through physical and emotional hell the last few months. And the good news is that my white blood cell count is normal! Yes that is right – I have just as many white cells as all of you and that is something to be very happy about. Never have I loved “normal” more than now. Funny how my definition of what constitutes good has changed so dramatically. I remember Elle Woods in Legally Blonde using as her defense that exercise makes endorphins, endorphins make you happy and happy people don’t commit murder. Well I don’t think there is any danger of me committing a violent crime anytime soon (except maybe murdering a container of Ben and Jerry’s) yet I am feeling very uplifted by the whole experience. The time I have right now when my only responsibility is getting myself better also provides me with a golden opportunity and enough personal time to improve all aspects of my life. So I am determined to become the healthiest, happiest and best version of myself. And it starts now!

An Exuberant OBB