Saturday, September 10, 2011

Round 5 - Time for a Rest

So I have now crossed round 5 off my calendar and it went ok. I definitely didn’t have as positive an experience as the week prior but I think my week had more to do with that then anything else. I woke up C-spa morning to the sound of my alarm (the real one this time and not my human one – AKA my daughter). It was still dark out which was a sure sign of winter coming and I just felt off. I was tired and had a headache and just really didn’t want to go anywhere. I was short with my husband, felt rushed and irritated which are not normal emotions for me as I pride myself on being the least moody person I know.

When I got outside and put my usual C-spa mix on, I anxiously flipped through every song as I couldn’t find one I liked. Once at C-Town, things didn’t really improve. I went in for my blood test and the silly tech missed my vein but still proceeded to stab me hard with the needle until I yelped out. We tried the other arm and had success but I left with a sour taste in my mouth as I muttered “silly cow” under my breath holding my aching arm. When the nurse called me in for my check in she asked how I was. Hmm…interesting question – how am I? Well I am exhausted, I am frustrated, my bones ache, my arm and scar hurt and I feel at full capacity in terms of what I can manage. I told her about our drama with our daughter and that as a result I felt like I never got a break since my last C-spa treatment and therefore felt like I truly didn’t want to be here today. She said she understood and that what we went through with our daughter was terrifying enough let alone going through it while dealing with cancer and chemo as well. She also said that as you get closer to the end of treatment patients grow more frustrated and are of course more and more tired by the long process so my emotions were normal. I guess after 17 weeks of chemo (and 8 more weeks to go) anyone would feel a bit annoyed, angry, irate…FED UP at this point!! I guess that was me and it was completely reasonable under the circumstances. So I embraced my inner bitch if not for an hour or so. 

So while the little cancer eating Pacmans were released into my veins, I was anxious to just get it over with and get out of there. I did finish round 5 and it is another x off my calendar and I am one step closer to the finish line. I did treat myself to a fabulous French fruit tart on the way home because heck I deserved it. So even though I didn’t come out of this round smiling and brimming over with positive thoughts, I did get through it and that is something to be proud of.
I woke up this morning feeling better though. Some new side effects that creeped up yesterday were gone today. The sun was shining, my daughter was laughing and my husband was by my side. It is amazing how your perspective on things can shift so fast day to day. I am going to try extra hard this week to take time for myself, to listen more to my body and just allow myself quiet moments. This is the biggest fight of my life and it is far from over so for once in my life, I must listen to my limits, understand my weaknesses and embrace my humanity.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone.


  1. I loved your getting in touch with your inner bitch comment, it really made me smile:) I am glad you are feeling a bit better and took time to treat yourself. I have discovered a wonderful coffee made my Santropol (fair trade) that I can send to you for your next tart indulgence;)

  2. Enlightening to learn about the ebb and flow if this cancer trip and treatment regime. I think your nurse gave you a wise perspective and permission to feel what you feel. These are difficult days to accept because you are getting closer to the pink finish line yet the challenge is demanding adn you feel tired and fed up. However there is only one way to go - FORWARD - and you shall get there. Inspiration and grace comes and warrior Kate you are a force to contend with. So let me bring out my pom poms and in my best cheerleader voice which you know so well, I shout... Go Kate Go! You can do it! You are doing it! I am so proud of you. Bounteous love for you

  3. I really know how you feel. The inner bitch has to come out from time to time in order to Get trough this. I really like that you embrased her for a while. Then it' s so much easier to get rid of her again;)