I realise that I havent written a blog entry since well before my actual treatment ended! That milestone is just too important a moment to overlook so I am trying to think back a few weeks now and rehash some of the emotions, thoughts and experiences. It has of course been Christmas and I have therefore been super busy with no moment to spare to write. And when you go to bed as early as me your time is extremely limited with a busy toddler running around.
So since I last wrote I finished 10 months of a long and gruelling treatment cycle, celebrated christmas with my family and managed my first trip outside of Norway in over a year (I dont count Norby in Sweden as another country!). You could say I have been a busy bee. My skin has just started to settle down now and I am sporting quite a dramatic radiotan. I quite enjoy not having to wake up and race out the door every morning for daily sessions but it was quite weird finishing. You would think getting to the end of such an awful year would be relieving however the thing with this cancer business is that relief is often hard to come by. I know everyone will tell me to recognise getting through this hellish ordeal and that is a good thing to be done, however I cant help but feel more terror then calm. When you are going through treatment there is structure and a plan. Every day, week, month there is something to do and the pace is often dizzying. But when this extensive schedule winds down you kind of feel like the control is gone and now you must sit and wait and hope. I do hope everything goes well for me but it can be hard to really truly exhale and stop worrying. I know time makes everything easier so i hope as each month passes I will be able to relax alittle bit more. I do so want to start living again and make plans. I kind of realised I was being wishy washy about plans in the future...like booking a trip to Canada in the summer or starting to look for a job. Why this apprehension? I was already thinking about if something went wrong which is not the way I want to think or live my life. So now I am making plans...lots of them and intend to follow them all the way through. There is no time to waffle over things because I am here and healthy and ready to go. I just need to be reminded of that sometimes as the transition from cancer patient back to me has its challenges.
So with treatment coming to an end, Christmas came to our house and it was wonderful. My daughter who is nearly 2 loved everything about it and it warmed my heart to see the joy in her eyes. It was also nice for my husband and I to put the struggles of the year aside and relax and enjoy ourselves. I love Christmas!
We also just returned from my first trip abroad as mentioned above which was great. A change of environment was just what I needed and I was so happy to get my starbucks fix! We also did a fair bit of indulging which will end at midnight tonight! January is a new year, a new start and a healthier way of living for me and my family.
I will also mention my darling daughter who will be celebraitng her 2nd birthday tomorrow on New Years day. It is hard to believe it has been 2 years since you came into my life. You are already a little lady with a warm heart, infectious giggle and sharp mind. You made me into a better person and you saved my life. In the words of Robert Munsch - "I love you forever, I like you for always. As long as I am living, my baby you will be."
So Happy New Year to everyone! Though it has been a year that literally stretched me to my physical and emotional limits, I am grateful for my new depths of awareness and my ability to really see what is important in my life. Cancer broke me but then I found the strength to put myself together again.