It has been a busy week for me thereby making blogging updates a bit more challenging to do. Between visitors, my daily radioactive sunbed sessions and a sick child - I guess a bit of real life has been getting in the way but I am here and ready to dish.
So I am officially half through radiation as of this morning and doing alright. I now affectionately refer to it as my radioactive sunbed as it sounds much better – in my mind at least. I can pretend I am working on my “base” for a sun holiday on some exotic island. I can blissfully ignore the fact that I am actually going to the cancer center every morning rather than the Canary Islands and sipping green tea instead of a pina colada! Every day I ask my radiation technicians how my skin is faring as each day it is getting redder, tighter and more sensitive. “Is it more red then most people?” or “Are you sure my skin can handle 13 more times?” I think I always think I am abnormal however I am assured that everything that is happening is completely normal. It is quite like a sunburn and every time I lie there watching the machine swirl around, emitting beeps every now and then… I still expect to feel pain. But of course I don’t. I try and imagine the rays zapping any stubborn c-cells that could be lingering and see the cell imploding on themselves like dead stars do in the sky. Radiation is easier then the C-spa but the daily commute is tough and I am really finding myself lagging in the energy levels.
I am also still struggling with my new pills which are still giving me lots of issues. I saw one of the on call doctors this week to tell them about all my side effects and they told me I had to tough it out! I actually was unlucky enough to get the one doctor who didn’t speak English so the two of us struggled through a broken conversation about my symptoms. I guess my Norwegian is better than I thought as I clearly understand her tough love approach despite the language barrier! But I continually tell myself that I am lucky to be able to take these pills (as not everyone is able to) and they provide another line of defense against my dark enemy.
I am also now sporting a baby Mohawk this week and was able to buy an actual hair product today! It was exciting to say the least and I am now planning on coloring it this weekend. It will feel so good to shed the wig and just be me again.
Aside from that, I have been feeling a different emotion this past week that I don’t tend to feel that often or write about. Through my C-story, I have been careful to control and think about everything I say or feel. I have tried to live each day with courage, positivity and acceptance. I realized early on that I couldn’t focus on my life pre-C or wish I never got cancer because these were things I had no power to change. It would only frustrate me to battle the what if’s so I fought to focus on today. But I am feeling angry these days. If I were to think of my emotion in terms of the Kubler-Ross model – anger seems to be only number 2 in the five part grieving process so it appears I have a ways to go. I had this urge to want to smash a crystal vase a few days ago (though the mother in me even thought against it in my fantasy world as how could I ensure I picked up all the shards so as to not endanger my child!). I have also wanted to scream out into the wind and just let some of this anger go. I am angry at the situation I have been given, I am angry at the challenges that still lie ahead, I am angry at the fact I cannot just focus on being a mother and a wife, I am angry parts of my body have been taken from me and I am angry at all the things that I have been robbed of. I know I can’t change things and I rarely spend energy thinking this way but sometimes just sometimes, I long for that woman…the naïve yet fun loving one with the long brown hair, two pert boobs and a big smile who had the world at her finger tips and didn’t know what real suffering meant. I am still that woman – as I am sure many of you will say – but sometimes it just all feels unfair.
So that is a abit of where my head is at this week – just writing about it already makes me feel better and releases some of the tension. The best thing to do is recognize the emotion and then let it go so I am acknowledging and moving on.