Friday, December 2, 2011

Sometimes I Get Angry

Hi Everyone,

It has been a busy week for me thereby making blogging updates a bit more challenging to do. Between visitors, my daily radioactive sunbed sessions and a sick child - I guess a bit of real life has been getting in the way but I am here and ready to dish.

So I am officially half through radiation as of this morning and doing alright. I now affectionately refer to it as my radioactive sunbed as it sounds much better – in my mind at least. I can pretend I am working on my “base” for a sun holiday on some exotic island. I can blissfully ignore the fact that I am actually going to the cancer center every morning rather than the Canary Islands and sipping green tea instead of a pina colada! Every day I ask my radiation technicians how my skin is faring as each day it is getting redder, tighter and more sensitive. “Is it more red then most people?” or “Are you sure my skin can handle 13 more times?” I think I always think I am abnormal however I am assured that everything that is happening is completely normal. It is quite like a sunburn and every time I lie there watching the machine swirl around, emitting beeps every now and then… I still expect to feel pain. But of course I don’t. I try and imagine the rays zapping any stubborn c-cells that could be lingering and see the cell imploding on themselves like dead stars do in the sky. Radiation is easier then the C-spa but the daily commute is tough and I am really finding myself lagging in the energy levels.

I am also still struggling with my new pills which are still giving me lots of issues. I saw one of the on call doctors this week to tell them about all my side effects and they told me I had to tough it out! I actually was unlucky enough to get the one doctor who didn’t speak English so the two of us struggled through a broken conversation about my symptoms. I guess my Norwegian is better than I thought as I clearly understand her tough love approach despite the language barrier! But I continually tell myself that I am lucky to be able to take these pills (as not everyone is able to) and they provide another line of defense against my dark enemy.
I am also now sporting a baby Mohawk this week and was able to buy an actual hair product today! It was exciting to say the least and I am now planning on coloring it this weekend. It will feel so good to shed the wig and just be me again.

Aside from that, I have been feeling a different emotion this past week that I don’t tend to feel that often or write about. Through my C-story, I have been careful to control and think about everything I say or feel. I have tried to live each day with courage, positivity and acceptance. I realized early on that I couldn’t focus on my life pre-C or wish I never got cancer because these were things I had no power to change. It would only frustrate me to battle the what if’s so I fought to focus on today. But I am feeling angry these days. If I were to think of my emotion in terms of the Kubler-Ross model – anger seems to be only number 2 in the five part grieving process so it appears I have a ways to go. I had this urge to want to smash a crystal vase a few days ago (though the mother in me even thought against it in my fantasy world as how could I ensure I picked up all the shards so as to not endanger my child!). I have also wanted to scream out into the wind and just let some of this anger go. I am angry at the situation I have been given, I am angry at the challenges that still lie ahead, I am angry at the fact I cannot just focus on being a mother and a wife, I am angry parts of my body have been taken from me and I am angry at all the things that I have been robbed of. I know I can’t change things and I rarely spend energy thinking this way but sometimes just sometimes, I long for that woman…the na├»ve yet fun loving one with the long brown hair, two pert boobs and a big smile who had the world at her finger tips and didn’t know what real suffering meant. I am still that woman – as I am sure many of you will say – but sometimes it just all feels unfair.

So that is a abit of where my head is at this week – just writing about it already makes me feel better and releases some of the tension. The best thing to do is recognize the emotion and then let it go so I am acknowledging and moving on.

Your friend,
OBB

3 comments:

  1. Dear Kate,

    It's nice to hear that you are already halfway through your radiation. That means very soon you will be completely back to a normal, healthy living, free from "C-spa and Radioactive sun bed sessions". Isn't it something to rejoice?

    I truly understand your emotional outburst. I remember during my cancer days, my emotion was running like a roller-coaster too. However, over time, suffering, learning how to accept, a strong desire to survive, and a determination to live healthily have taught me to slow down and let go.

    For sure, at times you need to scream out into the wind and just let some of your anger go. But don't lengthen it with undue frustration and bitterness. For no matter how much you are angry at the situation you have been given, or uncertain at the challenges that still lie ahead, or unhappy at the fact you cannot just focus on being a mother and a wife, or doesn't like that parts of your body have been taken from you, or dissatisfied the things that you have been robbed of, you know very well you can’t change what have already taken place. Nevertheless, you can prevent it from happening in the future. Crying and lamenting over bad situations, you still have to live. The world doesn't stop because you are suffering. So why not choosing to live a life with smiles?

    Cancer has given me a chance to read a lot of medical researches. I learned that repressed anger, hate, resentment and grief are the root emotional causes leading to the development of cancer. If negative feelings are not expressed, they remain trapped inside the body and over time cause physical illness and increase a person's level of the stress hormone - Cortisol, which gradually suppresses our immune system functioning. When the immune system is not functioning properly, cancer cells can multiply, reoccur and attack.

    Needless to say, I am sure your intelligence and knowledge must have already alerted you of this. Yes, unfairness is everywhere and it happens every day. Releasing your tension is essential. Sharing it with someone you love and trust may help. You are absolutely right, “the best thing to do is to recognize the emotion and then let it go”, “acknowledging it and moving on".

    Always believe in yourself Kate! STAND STRONG. You have run a good race; you have done a good fight. Continue to savour much good friends, good times, as you are surrounded by love. When it's hard to hold on, lift up your heart and set yourself free. Face your future with courage, positive thinking and a lot of humours. This will help. The leaves and flowers may wither, the golden sun may set, but you will stand firm in unfading BELIEF.

    Christmas is drawing near. May you feel the bliss, peace and good health in this warm season of love and joy? My thoughts and well wishes go with you and your family!

    Hugs and Prayer

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  2. Kate, I totally get where you're coming from. As you know I've been through the "after chemo"-phase before, and I too got very angry. Then I got sad. After the grieving phase, everything startet to get better- a lot better! So this is my message to you: in time everything will be better, and suddenly you'll find yourself blissfully laughing (I don't know if "blissfully laughing" works in english, but hopefully you get what I mean) and feeling truly happy again. I promise! With your great attitude and positive energy, you'll definitely get there. And along the way it is totally normal and allowed to feel down now and then.

    Look forward to see you at TAKU in jan/feb:)

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  3. Hang in. Your a true inspiration. Ever since the moment I met you, interviewing you for MWA, there was something about you that was special. You'll beat this through your determination and spirit.

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