It is my first entry of 2012 and what do I have to say? Well lots of things as per usual. Happy new year to everyone and I hope the next 12 months bring only happiness and good health for all (with a special shout to my little family!).
Since the tree has gone down, the cute decorations put away and life returned pretty much to normal, I have been thinking about how I will carry on this blog in the new year. I know I began this blog as a chronicle of my cancer journey and I guess in some ways that journey continues on albeit in a different way. I am only 2 weeks out of finishing my treatment so not long ago at all and my full recovery will still take quite some time. But to be honest after 2 days on my own, free from cancer treatment, I am feeling slightly lost. As I have written before - I have never been very successful at entertaining myself and now I have alot of time with...well me. I am trying to find new hobbies, starting back at the gym, doing my daily yoga and meeting up with different friends. But I am now finding out that cancer treatment takes up alot of your time. My days raced by sometimes without me doing very much but I think just getting through each day took all my energy. Now things are moving much slower. And with an idle brain and body comes too much time to think and thinking for me is dangerous territory. I started reading a book about how cancer patients feel post treatment and I ticked every box. Terrified of a recurrence - yup, think every ache and pain is cancer - yup, feel like I was pushed off a cliff - yup. Well I guess that makes me normal and like I have always said - normal is good. This transition is going to take alot more work then I thought. I sometimes think that maybe if i had a job to go back to perhaps I would feel more purpose right now. Of course I know my main jobs right now are to get healthy and strong, be a loving wife and a wonderful mother however I have this urge to be more useful. Patience is a virtue and I clearly need to practice it more.
So in terms of what is up ahead for me - things are complicated. The road has just gottten longer for OBB and she is tired! Due to my age and difficult diagnosis, my doctors have advised me (or rather told me)to have further preventative surgeries. Maybe OBB is going to have consider another name change eh? It kinda feels like I just played the longest football match of my life and then am being asked to play another 2 hours with no break. It is slightly demoralising and makes me of course angry. This cancer melarky just keeps going and I want out of it. But then I remind myself that my priority is to be here for my daughter. To be able to watch her start school, find her hidden talents, fall in love for the first time and eventually find herself. I also want to grow old with my husband. To travel the world together, to find the quiet moments, to reminiscense over the past and to eventually sit and watch the sunset with our grey hairs blowing in the wind (or rather mine as my husband has none!). So by wanting to give myself the best shot at being here, I must make more sacrifices at a time when I honestly dont want to give anymore. But of course I will. And I think that most people would make the same call in my situation. I love life and the fact I am so scared of having it taken from me only demonstrates how much I love living which I think is a very good thing.
I will keep you posted on the next steps as it will all happen soon. I just want to close this door once and for all and open the other one that has the rainbow on the other side.
OBB (for now)