Sunday, February 3, 2013
Post-Op Day 3
I just wanted to write something brief just to let you all know that I am doing ok. I am very tired and in pain so I am not up to writing a detailed entry.
Things went ok. As ok as one could expect when they dig into your chest, taking a bunch of tissue and bone - leaving a hole behind. But of course i know things could most definitely be worse.
I did it hard though and I am still finding it hard today. We went home last night and it just hit me how crap this all is. I kept switching from being utterly pissed off to bursting into tears everytime I started talking about it. I was uncomfortable and everything hurt and I just hated it. This is my fourth time in 2 years that I have had to recover and bounce back from chest surgery and that just isn´t cool or acceptably by my standards. I am so tired of all of this and I don´t want to have to handle more. Sometimes I have these moments when I step outside of myself, look down at myself and body and cannot believe all the things that have happened in a relatively short amount of time. It terrifies me and makes me want to scream. I really feel it this time - the weariness of it all on my nerves and my psyche. I feel like my batteries are out of juice and I need a kick start. I hope it will pass soon and I will start to feel like normal again. But then again what is normal? I have gone into that surgical theatre four times now and keep leaving lighter and lighter. Losing parts of me each time. I dont want anything else to go. It has been enough.
But now as I lick my wounds (figuratively of course as that would be anything but hygienic) and build myself back up, we must wait. Wait for the phone to ring. The call that can change your life. All I can do now is focus on a positive outcome and hope that I can well and truly close this door and leave this heaviness behind me. There is sunshine ahead...I can feel it.
A fragile OBB