Saturday, February 16, 2013
The Enemy Returns
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt
Well it has been one week since the big news hit. One week since my world went from being normal back to being a "patient" again. It has been a difficult adjustement and I am generally on the verge of going insane or fighting the urge to smash plates against the wall one by one. Despite the fact that I am still only 2 weeks post op, the whole recovery thing has faded into the background when we found out the bitch was back and had to go into battle mode again. But the reality is that I am in pain, I am tired, I am irritated and I am afraid. Not the best combination for anyone really. I normally have a knack for bouncing back from setbacks and almost always find that extra reserve of energy to get through the tougher parts of the day. However I just don´t seem to be "bouncing back" from this. My emotions go from shock, sadness, anxiety and usually end up somewhere aroundthe crazy angry mode. And you better believe that I am furious at this situation. It is so unfair and unjust. I think I am a pretty nice person who tries her best to do the right thing. But that is the thing about cancer. It doesnt care who you are - it just attacks indiscriminately. So here I am a few weeks shy of my two year cancerversary, waiting to find out my fate again. I honestly can´t believe it some days that one of my greatest fears actually came true. The cancer came back. How did the statistics fairy screw me over again? I was working so hard to get my life back on track and be normal again and it was working which makes the sting of this relapse even sharper. I have often gone to sleep in a terrible mood, medicating myself into a false sense of peace and waking in the morning thinking it all was just a bad dream. But then it hits me - no this is my reality and in some ways I relieve the shock of it with each day. Maybe in some ways I just don´t quite believe it yet. I just want to unzip myself from body and take a break from all of this but it is impossible. I feel trapped at times and can´t escape this beast. And god do I feel helpless knowing my body is attacking itself under my skin. I continually wonder what are my cells doing? And why do they keep going all rogue on me?
Now I ask all of you not to misinterpret my words as defeat. There is no way in hell I would ever give up and I absolutely know that I can and will be healthy and cancer free again. But please understand that if I come across as negative or upset in this post, it is also just a completely normal reaction to an entirely shit situation. It is temporary and it will pass. Because if you know me well, you know most of the time I am captain bloody positivity and look for the good in even the darkest of moments. I will find my light again. But give me some time to get angry.
In terms of the battle plan, well that is still unclear. The circumstances of my relapse are weird which pretty much ties in with my whole cancer history. Nothing has really ever been normal about my cancer. But the good thing is that there is hope. It is at a stage where we can still eradicate it. That is the greatest comfort I can take away from this whole mess. I will take this thing down so hard it wont know what hit it. I will have the right to grow old with wrinkles and grey hair with my husband at my side. I will watch my daughter grow up - go to school, get married and maybe one start her own family. I will be there. And please everyone remember what a priviledge it is to grow old and never fear or take it for granted.
We will know more in the next few days but it looks like surgery is the best option at this point. We need to get everything out that poses a risk. I can´t say the thought of a massive operation only a few weeks after my last sounds pleasant at all however there is no choice. I have to do this even if I am afraid. Chemo will be a last resort option as I only finished my last treatment alittle over a year ago and it hasn´t proven to be that effective in a situation like mine. I am not complaining though as chemo is something I dread. I told my doctor on the phone yesterday, "I can´t do it again. I can´t lose my hair...myself." So for right now, we are essentially sitting in the waiting room - waiting to hear what my team thinks is the best and safest solution to proceed with. It will happen fast and there probably will be little time to process it before I have to dive in headfirst. It is moments like these that I find it tough to be positive, I am fighting cancer a second time in my already too short life and it seems hard to find a silver lining to that predicament. But in true OBB style, I will find something that will help me get through this bump in the road. All of you cheering me on helps immensely so thank you again for supporting Team OBB. I may end up crawling but I will get to that finish line again and hold my arms up in triumph. I know my story is far from over and there is far too much living left in this body. So I will again pick up my sword and reluctantly head back into battle and fight my stubborn enemy to submission. I just don´t do losing.