Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Phoenix Rises...

I had the strangest and most real sensation happen in my hospital room last Friday night. I was in and out of a very heavy deep sleep after having been given my first toxic dose at the C-Spa. As the poison reached from head to toe and thumb to pinkie, I lay there trying to make sense of the port in my chest. Of the pain in my shoulder. Of the fear and anxiety over when the sickness would hit. I hated every moment of it and I was so scared. However in the stillness and darkness of my sterile room that stank of cancer and sterile products, I felt some peace. I can´t quite describe it in ways that make sense to everyone but they made sense to me. I felt three soft caresses on the top of my head and three gentle kisses on the same spot. In that moment there was no fear around me and I knew in my heart who it was. Who would have been there by my bedside if he could of to protect me? Who was there most of my life to shield me from pain and suffering? It was my daddy of course. Maybe it was the drugs or maybe it was him, just letting me know how in his own gentle manner that he was there.

It is six days since I had chemo and it is only today that I can bring myself to write anything. It was mostly due to the horrific state of health I was in but also the fact that I just couldnt write the words nor relive the experience until today. It was honestly all too nauseating to do before especially when I was feeling so frickin awful. No OBB didnt catch a break on this round either! Fuck the universe! I find it hard to say whether it was worse then the last because they are both so different but both suck unfortunately and my body said NO! After 3 days in the hospital and a blood transfusion later (yes I can now add that to my list of medical procedures), I was struggling and literally didnt have any energy to function. And the nausea? Oh god I fucking hate nausea so much and nothing would rid me of it. Apparently anti emitic drugs have not advanced enough to shield poor OBB´s gentle stomach from the tsunami that hit me this past weekend. When my doctor texted me Monday asking how I was doing, I replied - "Awful - how much longer till I get some relief?" To which he replied - 3 -4 days! I just about collapsed in a heap at that moment. I just couldnt take any more of it and that seemed like an eternity to my weather worn stomach lining. But that is the thing with round 1 - it is the beginning. There is much much more to do and there isn´t anything you can do about it. Being so ill and unproductive makes me so scared because it is like a bitter and twisted taster of what could happen. What your life could become and I want no part in it. It breaks my heart into a million pieces just thinking about it really.

So how did team OBB fare? My husband was great and was there every step of the way in the hospital for all the scary moments and never flinched. Maybe once when I got the very Twilight inspired bags of blood? And my daughter coped as kids do and adapted to the changes. But today I noticed a change in her as I could finally interact and be with her today. In response, she didn´t want to leave my side and asked me to do every puzzle in her box or to come here and there with her. When I asked if she was happy that mama wasn´t so sick today, she said "Mama I am so happy you feel better" and she wrapped her little arms so tight around my neck, patting my back three times and planting kisses on my head. Feeling her so in love with her mother, with me, makes me dig deeper and want to fight that much harder. I have to do it for her. I have to wrestle all the demons that come with the C-Spa and just do it. She needs me. My husband needs me. My family. My friends. I need them too.

So I am just waiting for my appetite for Ben and Jerry´s to return before I know I am fully recovered! I will look after myself and get the antibac gel out as the immune system starts dipping now and try to put round 2 as far from my mind as I can for right now. When it comes, I will be as ready as I can be and everyone will be there with and for me - ushering me to the finish line...again.


PS: I have been in a virtual "incommunicado" mode since last week so don´t take any of my silence - emails, sms, phone, skype personally. Mom - that is you included! :) xxxx


  1. Glad you are finally able to write. That is always a good sign for your readers and well-wishers in the web sphere.

    I wish the spirit of peace, which came to you in the hospital, return to comfort you whenever you are in need of it.

    I hope you continue to find the strength to endure this horrid time.

    Live long and prosper!

    1. Here is something interesting re Angelina Jolie and cancer risks

  2. So sorry you have to go through such misery. So sorry your dear family suffers along with you. But so glad they get to rejoice when the good days come along.

  3. What a relief to hear that you've survived the spiteful toxic Round 1 despite all fear, anxiety, and hated feeling of nausea. I was really touched by your description that in your moment of loneliness and darkness in the sterile hospital room, you felt "the soft caresses and gentle kisses of your dad" which somehow enabled you to feel no fear. It's good that this strong feeling of your dad's presence at your beside has given you support. Whether it be the effect of the drugs or your intimate feeling towards him doesn't matter, the importance is you believe he is in your heart to let you know how in his own gentle manner he was there to protect,watch,and shield you from pain and suffering.

    Very loving to hear that as usual, your great husband is there every step of your way for all the scary moments. Extremely sweet to visualize how your daughter wrapped her little arms tightly around your neck, patting your back and planting kisses on your head. I can imagine how comforted she was as she felt mommy's warmth and love around her when she uttered "Mama I am so happy you feel better". Isn't that a real HAPPY MOtHER'S DAY GIFT! You must be very proud and consoled to feel her deep love which has given you greater strength,inspiration, and want to fight much harder.

    No doubt Kate,your daughter needs you. Your husband needs you. Your family, your friends, everyone of us in the C-world are all sending you good wishes and praying for your good health. We are waiting for you to cross the finish line again in triumph and in joy. It's difficult, we understand. It's painful,disgusting and hateful, we know. But have no fear! Just do it! Wrestle all the demons that come with the C-Spa and be prepared for the next round! We are with you!

    Hugs and Prayer