Pre Chemo Ponderings

"So I hope I get some rest and don’t spend too much time wondering how it will be, will it hurt, how will I react, will I cry, when will the hair go…? Weaker people (physically speaking!) have been through this and come out the other side and so will I. So I will open my veins and mind to the experience and remember that I am doing all of this to safeguard my spot in this world for a very, very, very long time ahead. Bring on the poison!"

These are my exact words from the blog entry I wrote nearly 2 years ago on the eve before my first chemo. I seem very optimistic, energetic and positive. I am still all of those things but I have also evolved and grown. I know so much more and I have experienced things that the girl who wrote that in 2011, couldn´t have imagined. On my last day of freedom, I feel like the tank is empty and I have so little energy. I seriously debated running away last night as the fear and anxiety took over to levels I found hard to bare. I am so afraid and the clock is ticking faster and faster, summoning me to the C-spa for my next battle. I want to be the coward who runs and hides until the worst is over but there is really nowhere to go. I must stay here, dig deep into my arsenal and find some bloody bravery to get me through this next giant mountain. There is so much more to think about this time and the unknown terrifies me again. How will I react friday? Will I completely break down like last time? Or will shock and fear turn me into a robot? I just don´t want to be sick again. I don´t want to worry about kissing my daughter for fear of germs. I don´t want to have to take a nap every day so I can have the energy to get through a day. I don´t want to check my temperature constantly out of worry of some major infection striking. I don´t want to keep checking and pulling my hair so see if it is falling out.  And I don´t want to think about what this second round of toxins is doing to the healthy parts of my body. I guess the most important thing to think about is dressing these little toxic soldiers up in titanium suits with valarian steel words who will run rampant through my body killing any cancer cell that dare come in their way. Losing is not an option. We must be triumphant.

I am not sure what my shape will be like over the next week so I hope I will manage to keep you all updated through this first round. So many of you have been so wonderful and supportive and I so appreciate it. Even though I am often surrounded by people, in times like these, one can still on occasion feel very alone. It is moments like this when I remind myself of all of you - Team OBB who raise me up.

I have realised through being seriously ill that it can be so hard to ask for help. I am not good at it nor am I good at letting people do things for me. My husband is even worse at this. Often times when we have had visitors here to help out, we often end up hosting them because of our inability to let go. So please be tough with us and when help is offered, make sure we take it. I am getting better at it and I have also discovered that in situations like this so many people want to help you but don´t know what to offer or are afraid of intruding. I will try and get better at this as I know now more then ever we will need help to get through this. There is something so difficult about admitting you are struggling, especially for people who are young like my husband and I - it feels sometimes like defeat. But I now see that admitting this only shows how strong you really are.

Geez the day is already half way over and I am still in my bathrobe. The hours are going by so fast and with each one that passes, my fear rises. I am frustrated and annoyed at things I shouldn´t be and I keep trying to eat everything I love now. Coffee, chocolate, Mcdonalds nuggets...all of these things will most likely not be my best friends for a long time so I am savouring them now. I know I have a virtual army of strength surrounding me and sending me positive messages and endless hope - I will use these to help me cope with what lies ahead. I just wish things could have been different...I wish so much.

"Before I knew you, I thought brave was not being afraid. You´ve taught me that bravery is being terrified and doing it anyway." Laurell K. Hamilton

Love, OBB