Tuesday, May 21, 2013

I Hate Goodbyes

"We´ll be friends forever, wont we Poo? asked Piglet. Even longer, Pooh answered."
A.A. Milne

Today the weather is grey and just downright miserable. Today my mood is distinctly low and slow. I am on my own today which I am struggling with to be honest. I had to say goodbye to a dear old friend who had put her life on hold and flown around the world to be with me the past two weeks. When she arrived, I was bed ridden and hanging by a thread to my own sanity. When she left, I had colour back in my cheeks, some meat on my bones and a smile on my face. She worked so hard trying to make my life easier. It was hard at first...to let her in. To let her help me. But with time I grew more comfortable allowing her to do things like vacuum, do the laundry and bring me tea. And oh how we laughed. I can´t remember the last time I laughed like that and unfortunately most of the time it was at her expense. But she was happy to be the target of my giggles. Living in a country that I love but also one that I have no roots or history with can be hard sometimes. I realised this through having my friend here. We talked about the funny things we did in elementary school together, the summers we played cards and gossiped about boys, and the times we tried and failed to buy alcohol underage! I am so lucky to have made so many wonderful friends here in Norway but there is something so comfortable and effortless about having someone with you who has known you from the very beginning. It is different. Today I miss her. I miss the company and the ability to just walk into her room if I needed to talk. Being alone with my thoughts can be a dangerous exercise and I feel so fragile today...so melancholic. I cried my eyes out when I came home from the airport yesterday and I have cried again today. And you know what? I am not a crier. I think the tears are about so much more. I am crying for the pain I am in. I am crying for the struggle that our life has become. I am crying for what is to come. I am crying for the treatment I must endure in a few days again. I am crying because all I want is to have a normal life. I am so scared and this is so much harder the second time around. I am tired...heck we are all tired of this never ending cancer merry-go-round. Everything is that much tougher to do and my body is not as strong this time. I feel it so much more and the simplest things become difficult. Thank god I am not alone. I have people - an army of people from the four corners of the world helping me climb the mountain. I just need to be more patient with myself and this process. And maybe get alittle more comfortable taking help when I need it. Lords knows I (we) need it and I don´t see things getting easier as each treatment comes.

So maybe today is a write off. I will cry with pride at the fight deep within my soul. I will cry because all of this sucks and I hate it. I will cry because I can. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities and challenges for me. A warrior needs a day of rest...battle begins again Thursday. I need my strength.

Lara and I at Halloween in 1990. (Yes I was that much taller!)

My dear friend Lara and I, celebrating Norway's National Day this past weekend.



* Oh and Lara - thank you. For everything.


  1. Oh you are truly blessed to have such a friend, one that gave up two weeks to be with you if such a show of love Don't cry, feel joy at remembering what you shared these past two weeks and get skype or facetime so you can see your dear friend whenever you talk to her. I should be so blessed to have such a friend God Bless

  2. dear kate,

    there just is no substitute for such a close friend like your lara - one who knows you inside and out and one you have such a long history with. her departure must have made such a hole in your heart. those tears, so many tears that you've been able to cry - the longing to just have a normal life, all the unknowns about how you will tolerate treatment this time - good you were able to figure out that lara's leaving was what opened the floodgates and let them flow.

    i hope writing AND crying helped you feel even just a bit of relief. please know i am thinking of you, so very sorry for all you are going through. i am sending you BIG hope and tons of warm, gentle hugs, my dear kate.

    love, XOXOXOXOXO