Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Too Busy for Cancer

Hi Everyone,

I realise again that time has escaped me and it has been weeks since I wrote. I think summer is such a busy time and having my monkey at home full time really makes it near impossible to find time to write. I have never been able to just sit down with distractions all around and write something worth reading. So I am trying to write today despite the multitude of things happening around me and give you an update. I know how many of you interpret my silence as something bad so I don't want anyone to worry.

What has happened since round 4 concluded? Well I am still trying to find my "normal" and am realising what a number this chemo has done to me. Every day I wake up, it is a lottery in terms of how I will feel. Some days are better and others awful. I honestly feel my body screaming out in protest to the abuse it has been through. My stomach will never been the same again and the tiniest imbalance sets it off. It makes it hard to make plans as I dont know what the day will bring. I think my daughter is really picking up on what is happening with me as she has said to me quite often (in an exasperated tone) "Mommy - you can't lie down and rest all the time! You have to be with me!¨ Her playing has also evolved and she informed me earlier this week that the mud concoction she was making was in fact medicine to make my tummy feel better. Bless her little soul. I love her so much and she continues to make me push myself to be here...living in the present and hoping for the future.

My doctor called me last week with the update from the CT planning session which was to determine whether I could get anymore radiation. If you remember, we tried to do this back in February but it was deemed too dangerous at the time. You know it is funny when I think back to the beginning of chapter two when we were told it was cancer again. My doctors gave me three possible treatment options and we would give me the best and safest option. But now nearly 4 months later, I somehow ended up getting all three things - surgery, chemo and now radiation - lucky me...not! Yes my doctor has found a way to give me more radiation. Perhaps it is due to time passing and more healing happening from my initial radiation or the new organic material they put in during the operation. Whatever it is - I am starting 25 sessions of radiation in a week and half. It will suck big time as my skin is still so sensitive and I will burn more easily then before. When I asked about the risks involved, he told me that the risk of not doing it outweighed the potential side effects I could get. And the side effects are potentially major but we hope I get lucky and dont end up with necrosis (this is essentially tissue death and can be very serious) or god forbid another type of cancer. He also told me to not bother googling anything about this as it was new territory and there was little to no literature on it. He knows me so well! I joked about how my case will make a great paper one day for them to publish. He laughed and said that they never saw me in that way - as in a patient and an opportunity for publicity. But I reassured him and told him I was more than happy to be a part of the future - a part of furthering research in this specific area of breast cancer treatment. I want my story to help others and make a difference somehow. What he said next surprised me so much as he has always been incredibly conservative in terms of what he has told me about my situation. He has been the harbinger of bad news for so long and I know it is impossible for him to promise something he has no guarantee on but he told me ¨I will look forward to publishing something about how I cured you.¨ I was so shocked by his words but they provided such a comfort to me and gave me hope. Hope is everything to a cancer patient and feeling that your doctor believes in you can help you get through the darker times. So I will face the next hurdle as best I can and try to imagine a time when cancer might not feel like such a big part of my life. A time when things will be different for me...a better life far far away from cancer island. Like I said - hope is everything.

Hope everyone is enjoying summer. We are seeing lots of sun in Norway. Me likey alot.

OBB xxx

10 comments:

  1. Fingers crossed - would be amazing news. As always the hard battle you have been on is counter balanced by the strength you have shown. Sat on the bus running late as usual and wish you were back in London. Really must do a trip once your up to it.... David xx

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    1. So nice to hear from you my friend. All we can do is hope for the best and try to ignore the scary stuff as we can. A daily struggle for me. Oh yes so many memories of London and Pure. Lots of good times filled with sarcasm and laughter. Will keep u posted on possible trips when things calm down. xx

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  2. dear kate,

    hold on tight to those most hopeful words of your wonderful doctor. he must care about you so much, and in a very extraordinary way. I hope the bad days get far outnumbered by the good ones very soon. when you are suffering what feels like set-backs, it's so hard to be "up". you don't have to carry that burden by yourself, dear kate. just keep writing through it if you can so we are able to rally round you, send much love, and the bright light of healing and hope to help you find your way.

    XOXOXOXO, Karen, TC

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    1. Thanks for reminding me of my own limitations and the fact I can let go sometimes. So true when you say how exhausting it is to be positive and on form all the time. It gets harder and harder to keep up the image that everything is ok when it is the farthest thing from the truth. Thats what is so great about my blog. I can write what I am feeling - stripped down to the bone emotions and thoughts. It helps to share and then read your comments and know someone is listening. xxx

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  3. OBB!!! You're BACKKKK! YAY! I agree with Karen above, just write right on through it! I know what ya mean about not being able to just sit down and write. That is the perfectionist in us talking. Meanwhile, we all just want to hear from you, no matter the state!

    Your wonderful doctor may not realize what a gift he gave you with his words, but no matter; they remind me of a lifesaver candy: sweet and soothing and banishing the sour aftertaste of life at the moment. I am not a "let's think positive and everything will be alright" kinda girl but there is much to be said for lessening our burdens that is so very important. His string of words, "I will look forward to publishing something about how I cured you" is like a string of metaphorical pearls to wear around your neck: always there, to lift you up during this next phase of treatment, to give you hope.

    Your daughter is just the sweetest thing, making you mud pies for your tummy!

    I wish for you many, many, many sunny Norwegian days this summer.

    I am here for you.

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    1. Oh Renn. What a gift for words you have. Love the lifesaver metaphor - so perfect and eloquently said. Thank you for putting that image in my mind. I continue to appreciate you strength and support through this painful process. I want to wish for the best but know the road I am now walking on is one few have tread before. Like my dr says to me often - this is uncharted territory and it is impossible to know how it will play out. So hope is my best weapon and my daughter too. :) xxx

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  4. Hope is everything. I hope you reach that place of normal bliss, far, far from this moment in your life that involves cancer. It's so good of your doctor to say those words - it's a surprise phrase to hear since they are so often conservative, but I can only imagine how they must have lifted you upward. Be well, enjoy the sun and good luck with radiation. ~Catherine

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    1. Catherine, Thank you for your kind words of support. It is appreciated. I think he told me that because he knows that I am never naive about my situation. We dont know what will happen but like you said - hope is everything. I have to believe I will be okay especially when no one can guarantee anything. All this suffering has to amount to something right? God I hope so. Hope you are enjoying ure summer too. x

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  5. Hopefully,25 weeks of radiation will go by very quickly. Take care of your sensitive skin so once again it will be able to endure and survive the treatment. It looks like your darling monkey is your inspiration source now, words from an innocent child are ever so honest:"you can't lie down and rest all the time! You have to be with me!" So true! Cherish your time together,you both need each other so much.It's extremely hot in Vancouver this summer,another kind of radiation?! Well, we are grateful that at least the sunshine would help brighten our days and lift up our mood. Be happy,have a lot of wonderful, smiling days this summer!
    Hugs and Prayer

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  6. Thank you for your support again and again. I do hope it goes by fast but I fear the pain and damage it will cause given I have already done this and know how it goes. It is so hard not to be afraid but I will try very hard to look forward. I am trying to decide what is better - radiation in the summer or winter? Will let you know. Hope you enjoy your summer too and the sunshine. A rarity in Vancouver most summers. :) xxx

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