Today the rain is coming down, the clouds are out and the mood is decidedly somber. While lying in my Acupuncturist’s office with tiny needles all over, I reflected on recent events and also on some not so good news I heard today about someone I care about. For so many years, I had so much “noise” in my life and rarely could I relax and just let my mind wander. There was always something else happening like the endless sirens of London outside my window, a deadline I needed to meet, a hangover to nurse or a boy to swoon over. My mind was a minefield! However now most of my days are spent in quiet peace where I can really listen to my mind and let my thoughts dance around me.
Up until my recent diagnosis and the sudden death of my father four years ago, I really thought I had lucked out in the life department. I had grown up in a wonderful neighborhood, had amazing supportive parents who gave me every opportunity, I made friends easily, always had a boyfriend and excelled at most things I did. It was idyllic really. I remember watching movies, talk shows or opening the papers and reading about all these awful stories. People who lost a loved one before it was their rightful time, children being mistreated, natural disasters, war, disease…And I felt so fortunate that I had never experienced any of those sorts of things and the extent of my “trauma” pretty much pertained to sudden breakouts, breakups or not getting my mom to buy me the right jeans that everybody had! It was all very surface as you can see and maybe that is why I was a bit immature and self involved back then. I had never experienced tragedy, loss or consequence. Sometimes I wondered whether by even thinking these things that I was tempting fate to change its mind and deal me something harsh. Well I feel like the universe has recently been throwing a few too many boulders my way and I am struggling at times to dodge them.
Losing my father was my first experience with real genuine loss and it was earth shattering. I still think about him every day and often have an instinctive urge to want to call him when something big happens in my life or I need his advice on something tricky. He always had the answer or a warm soy latte to cheer me up! It actually took me years to finally remove his number from my phone as I wanted to cling to the little parts of him that still existed. Though the process was painful, I did get through it and it made me realize that the world didn’t revolve around me. Oh the horror!
I remember so many friends apologizing for complaining about things in their life as I was going through father’s death. However what I realized was that sure I was grieving but life doesn’t just stop. Everyone has their own burdens or aches and there are big and real because we own them. So it is not a matter of one trumping another. It was definitely a time of growth for me when I realized this. The same goes for now as people again feel bad complaining about their jobs, in-laws, moving house, unruly kids, etc… while I go through this. But I tell them to talk away because they are their problems and they are important to them so as a friend who cares, they are also important to me too!
So in a roundabout way I am a bit miffed at the fates’ as they have clearly been weaving me some real crappy things as of late. It isn’t fair and I do get angry about it at least once every day. But the world still ticks on and there are people worse off them me so there is no choice but to soldier on and take whatever hits come your way. Everyone has problems, everyone has pain but it is how we deal and cope with it that makes a difference. But I do have to say – if there is some master of the universe out there: Can I have a please catch a break in 2012?