Tuesday, June 21, 2011

When I grow up

Hello all and greetings from OBB. I am doing very well and feeling energized and the strongest I have been in weeks. Yesterday I managed to do all the things I used to do pre-C without being keeled over by exhaustion by the end of day. It really gave me a boost at a time when I really needed one. I actually cannot believe my standing reservation at the C-Spa is already coming around next week. Those 3 weeks are really flying by which I guess is a good thing because the faster time goes, the faster I am through all of this crap. I feel much less fear about it though and feel confident I will manage it all again. And that whole bit about losing the shame of cancer in my last entry – well I am really embracing my new self and as a result I no longer feel like people are looking at me. I am just a passerby like everyone else. I never imagined anonymity would be a comfort to me.

So today I have been thinking about finding one’s true calling. I have wanted to be so many different things throughout my life – judge, marine archaeologist, journalist, high powered corporate bitch; writer…the list goes on. Up until this whole cancer malarkey happened, I was pretty focused on my career and often equated success with money. However like the many other epiphanies I have had as of late, I now see things on the job front also with different eyes. When faced with a reality of the clock stopping for you forever, you really analyze everything in your life. And what I now see is that life really is too short to spend in a job that doesn’t make me happy, challenge me or takes me away from spending time with the people I love. There is no pause or rewind button and once that time goes, it is gone. So I have been thinking about what I want to do when I finish my treatment because I do really want to work. But I want to work at something that enriches my life – yes not an easy thing to find I know.

Now I have never been one to jump on the old’ soapbox and wax lyrical about different causes nor have I been a person to participate in charity events. I never had a real cause to get behind until now. Going through what I have been through and now with Captain AC on board, I feel that I want to do something. Be it telling my story to help others or getting young women like myself to be more aware of their health and not just think naively “I am too young to worry about this.” I have come up with some good ideas and am trying to put them out there so maybe I can help some people cope with their own sets of challenges. I think having cancer has really allowed me to focus and block out all that other noise that had previously distracted me. It also has eliminated the fear of trying something new. I mean I have looked cancer in the face so a major career cliff jump really isn’t much to be afraid of. Almost nothing scares me now…well maybe snakes and spiders still. But I now know I can pretty much handle most things and still keep it together.

So for those of you who haven’t yet had the chance to see life through the magical lens (and honestly I don’t want any of you to brush with mortality anytime soon), what have you always wanted to do but were too afraid to try? Maybe go wild and close your eyes and just jump? Because time stands still for no one and heck, it might just be fun and who knows where you might land?


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