Monday, August 22, 2011

A bit of this and a bit of that

Hello again everyone. It is Monday morning and I can finally sit down in front of my laptop and type out an entry! I can never really write an entry unless I have an idea or inspiration come to me and mine came as I was walking back from dropping my daughter off at daycare. It’s funny sometimes – I can get so frustrated with my little wonder during the morning routine especially with her current resistance to putting clothing on but the moment I close the gate of the daycare, I feel a little sad. I know it sounds cheesy but I already miss her. So as I was walking home listening to Gaga, I started to think about lots of different things – people in my life, feelings in my body, past, present and future.

When I was younger I was really obsessed with fashion magazines (still am really) and had a devoted following to what I called the bible – otherwise known as Vogue. I would run out and buy it every month and devour every page. I would try to mimic some of the looks and rush out and buy the latest must have beauty products. I still buy a lot of magazines but lately have gravitated away from the likes of Vogue. It was only when I came home with two yesterday and flipped through them that I realized why. With my new look – about 75% of the magazine is obsolete to me and makes me feel either a bit inadequate or a bit sad. Page after page of glossy haired amazons’s with long lashes, perfectly groomed brows and fabulous couture heading out to exotic locals and fantastic parties suddenly seemed miles away from my life. Not that I am really that depressed about it but when I see glimpses of my old life, it is only natural to feel a bit blue. There are good things that have come out of it – I mean my grooming regime saves me not only time but money these days. And I no longer worry about the weather and how it will affect my hair because my hair looks perfect regardless of the humidity index. So it is not all bad however I think I will stick to the trashy tabloids for now and relish in other peoples misery and take the bible out again once this cloud has cleared.

I finished round 2 on Friday and it went pretty well again! It was the first time I went through it without the help of my good friend Valium. It was a feat in my books considering my anxiety around needles being poked into my veins. And seeing as the blood tech couldn’t manage to actually get blood out of my veins that day before I think I kept it together. It was funny when I walked in the next day to meet the same tech as the day before. I said “So we meet again” and smiled. She looked much less thrilled to see me and my stubborn veins again. However we were successful this time and I then anxiously y waited for my blood results. Ever since I got a shock the week before with borderline white blood cells, I was nervous. I think when you are going through cancer treatment you are so focused on the end of it that the possibility of anything that could change that end date fills you with fear and anxiety. My day is October 28th and I don’t want anything to stand in the way of me getting there. So the thought of delaying a treatment was not an option for me. Thankfully my body was good to me and I was actually in the normal ranges again! Yippee! So onto to the c-spa suite for my cocktail. My new best friend (my nurse) again had a stellar IV performance and got the needle in with minimal stress or pain on my part and we were off! My husband tells me that I often start talking a mile a minute during the c-spa which I attribute to anxiety and stress. I asked my nurse whether I was more nervous than other patients and she smiled and said “Well yes a bit but the difference with you is that you talk about it so it makes it easier to manage.” I can handle that. So a few hours later we were out in the fresh air again and even decided to walk home. I am not going to lie - there was detour via Burger King and my favorite French bakery for a post c-spa treat and it was good! So far I have again done alright on this round with the usual fatigue and now some new back and hip pain that I am not totally sure of its origins. It is so hard to tell the difference between normal aches and pains and those attributed to the C-spa experience. It can also be hard not to freak out over the slightest thing but I try hard to contain the irrational fears and also the very real ones. I am now looking forward to ticking off number 3 on Friday and getting down into the single digits baby! October 28th – here I come!

I wanted to also give an update on Captain AC and her first trip to the C-Spa. There were a rocky few days of rough weather for her but she has recovered remarkably well from her first trip. Now she just needs to channel her strength and positivity into the next round which I have no doubt she will do.

Lastly I wanted to mention two books. Now I have never plugged any products or books before as this isn’t an advert space but as many of you have told me recently that you have passed on my blog to other young women you know facing the same enormous challenge I am, I wanted to offer some advice. Now when I was first diagnosed, I thought I would order lots of books and inform myself of my disease. What I didn’t realize was how these supposedly helpful books instead instilled such fear and anxiety into my mind that I couldn’t bear to read further then chapter one. Cancer is scary enough. I don’t need more information to further heighten the fear factor thank you very much. So the two books that I found comforting and informative in a positive and empowering way were given to me by two wonderful friends. Both of these girls generally rock the house when it comes to gift giving and too often spoil me with wonderful packages filled with goodies. The first book is for anyone – you don’t need cancer to read it and it is called “Anti-Cancer” by Dr David Servan-Schreiber. If you want to live a healthy and long life read this! The other is called “Uplift” by Barbara Delinsky. This book is filled with only positive messages for real women facing cancer and truly warmed my heart and soothed my nerves.

Well that is all for me today. Quite a mish-mash of thoughts and ideas but I do hope it still proves a good read. Don’t forget to stay in the moment and not let the little things make you crazy. There are so many good things to focus on – I try and check my baggage at the door!

Hugs, OBB

1 comment:

  1. Happy to hear that you finished round 2 and it went pretty well again! It's surely good news that you feel your body is back to normal range. Of course,it is sometimes hard to tell the difference between normal aches and pains and those attributed to the C-spa experience. It can also be hard not to freak out over the slightest unusual feeling over your body. The best and safest way is to note it down how frequent it occurs and then discuss it with your oncologist next time you see her/him. That will help to reduce your anxiety.

    For sure, October 28th must be an important day you are longing for. Well, not too far away dear, just a couple months more. You are progressing well and I am sure your number 3 round will go well too.

    Well, as a Canadian, you probably heard that Jack Layton, the NDP opposition leader of Federal Canada, has passed away yesterday after his a few years of hard battle with cancer. His remarkable courage and enthusiasm about life has made him so honorable. I like his last message:To survive, love is better than anger, hope is better than fear, optimism is better than depression. Keep on loving, hoping and being optimistic,the world will become better.

    Hugs and Prayers.