It is amazing how fast time goes between blog entries these days. I write one then bam! – a week goes by in a flash and I realize I haven’t updated everyone on my life. So I am trying to get one in before I head off on my transatlantic adventure early next week.
I am scared about the trip. I have always been pretty relaxed and fearless about travelling and took my daughter to Canada many times solo when she was a baby and managed fine. I have been around the world on a plane literally so I am at ease in the air. But this time is different maybe because I am different. After the last year and everything that has happened, I have been protected and I have not been on my own. Either my husband or friends would be there to help me out whenever I needed it but this time it will be just me. I know I will be fine but there is a tiny part of me that is scared. What if I get too tired and become dizzy and my daughter is left watching her mother fall to the ground. I am realizing how much has been done for me lately – things I maybe didn’t even think about till now. Lugging suitcases around, trying to go to the bathroom while wrangling a two year old and just making it through a very long flight without sleep. I guess I will get some comfort in the fact that someone will be waiting on the other end to help me out and the opportunity to see her is worth the challenge of getting there. I am of course talking about my mother (The Captain). It will be our first reunion in 11 months and boy what a crazy 11 months it has been. We clearly have “lots” to catch up on and many hugs to give!!
So aside from prepping for my trip I had a busy week of meeting specialists. Monday was the geneticist who really didn’t give me any new information that made me change my mind about what I plan to do. It was informative to understand things abit more clearly but I am sure about my choice and why I am doing it. I met with my surgical team Tuesday which was interesting and was my first meeting with a plastic surgeon! He was very nice and very chatty. I felt like I was on an episode of Extreme Makeover as he drew lines here and there and talked about his plans to make me look “wonderful.” They can do amazing things these days which is a good thing in my case as I want to be normal again. I would have never pegged myself to be an implant girl but here I am getting a pair for free!!! Now of course I am paying a different kind of price for them which far outweighs the monetary value of them in actuality but hey ho. We talked through the different options, time frames and recovery times. I have decided to wait on the reconstruction and do both “girls” together once my skin has healed from radiation. After what I have been through the extra pain, 4 to 8 week recovery time where I couldn’t lift or hold my darling daughter and being grounded for months just didn’t appeal. I need a break, I need a summer, and I need to be me. So I will do the most important things first which is to rid my body of the ticking time bombs and then deal with the cosmetic elements later when I am stronger mentally and physically. I also think a year or so from now, we will be able to explain things better to our daughter and how she must be careful around mama. Now she would just continue to use me for target practice which would not be good at all. So we will have a few more consults to put together the blueprint for the operation in March and get an MRI done beforehand. It is protocol to require a MRI taken within 6 months prior to this surgery but I can’t help but feel scared of it. MRIs are incredibly useful life saving tools of technology but they also reveal all and I just hope there is nothing to see. I guess any kind of test will be scary to me for a long time afterwards…something to get used to. I just need to see it as a fortunate way to see into the future and keep me safe.
So that is what is happening with OBB (I can still call myself that for now!). I joked with a friend today that I was separating from my left breast as things were just not working out in our relationship. That isn’t so far from the truth. I never thought I would be so ready to give up both breasts and have no wavering whatsoever. There was never a choice to me. It was a decision that would give me some kind of protection, some kind of relief and some kind of a chance at life. I am sure many of you would do the same. I have people to live for so this is the road I must take.
I hope everyone has a lovely weekend and I hope to manage a blog entry from the other side of the pond.