Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I aint a gambling (wo)man*

* (I am unable to figure out how to get commas on my Norwegian keyboard so please excuse the grammatical issues!).

So I got all sorts of ideas for this mornings blog while walking home from dropping my daughter off at daycare. I often find my inspiration this way as I saunter through the icy streets of my neighborhood thinking about this and that. I have alot on my mind these days. My heart always aches when I transfer my spider monkey into the arms of the daycare worker as I notice her bottom lip start to quiver and her eyes fill with tears. She tries so hard not to cry and her bravery moves me. It takes some inner strength to walk away but I am always comforted in the knowledge that seconds later she will be running around having a jolly old time.

Okay so where are we at? I wanted to thank you for some lovely comments from last weeks post about my wonderful mother. She is doing brilliantly and we are so looking forward to our reunion in a few short weeks. Writing the entry itself was so therapeutic for me and sometimes I think this blog is the best therapy i could get. It allows me to translate my fears and thoughts into something that makes sense and that makes others gain more insight into their own lives. I know I wont change the world with this blog but all the emails I have received over the past year about how a certain entry resonated with someone...well it just makes my day.

So I met with the Head of Surgery yesterday and she was great. It is funny how I can meet my oncologist and come out thinking I will surely die but meeting her I come out and feel lighter and more positive. She explains everything so well and I feel like she believes in me. We talked through my whole situation and the uniqueness of it. Being unique in the cancer world just isnt always the best thing. I have been trying to process all the different information concerning my diagnosis and subsequent risks and it can be quite confusing. And it isnt like I am deciding between buying a blue or grey car here. This is my life. I think I struggle with the fact that to gain something I need to give up another thing and that is just plain hard. I just dont feel like giving anything else up right now but as the title of this blog suggests - I am also in no mood to gamble. When you look at the odds around my original diagnosis (age, type, etc...) there were very very low - less then 5%. So when you have been utterly screwed by the stats fairy you suddenly dont feel so ready to roll the dice again. I know it can be hard for some to understand why I am choosing what I am but I just cant live in the shades of grey and the fear of something else happening is something that I think may torture me. I think alot of it comes down to the fact that I am a mother and a wife. I owe it to those two people to do what is possible to minimise risk. I cant be selfish and try to chase a dream that may or may not work out. My responsibility is to be here now and be here for the people standing right in front of me. I think I am understanding more and more what is means to be a mother. You give up things that break your heart in two but you do it out of love. You do it because really there isnt any other way. I want to be here for her. That is what being a mother is.

So it looks like things will be scheduled in month or so and then I can finally close the chapter on this awful time. I am so keen to get on with my life and really start living. It will be very unpleasant but pain is temporary and peace of mind...infinite.

So it looks like I will be going from OBB to NBB! (I have the give credit to my husband for that clever new name - jeg elsker deg alltid).


1 comment:

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