A time to be afraid

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." Franklin P. Jones

So I am spending my last hour at home before we begin to make our way to the hospital to begin our second cancer journey. I am on edge, I can barely sit still, everything irritates me and I just don´t want to have to do this. Yesterday was worse. I was angry, sad and feeling emotions I could not quite define. I also got very sad news yesterday that one of my pink sisters had lost her battle with the beast. It was a total shock as she had only been diagnosed with a relapse in January and two months later...she is gone. Leaving behind a husband and three children. How in the hell is that ok? How can this sort of thing keep happening? So I am feeling alot of anger and animosity towards cancer and want to smash its little head into a million pieces. I have already known too many great women - mothers, daughters, aunts, cousins and friends who have left this world far too soon. It just isn´t fair. But that is cancer. It just doesn´t care. Rest in peace dear Vanja.

As I try to shake off the negative feelings of yesterday, I am trying to get myself battle ready for the big challenge standing in front of me. Today is the first step. Tomorrow is game day and I have to be ready. But how can I be when I don´t feel like it all? I just want to hide under the duvet until it is all over. Millions of worries are circling around my brain like a cyclone. I am terrified of them not finding a vein or picking one that is too small and it hurting. I worry about how I will feel when I wake up and what they will tell me they have done. Because my surgical plan is open ended right now. They really wont know how much they have to take out until they get in there. Nothing like alittle more uncertainty to add into the mix. I love not knowing what will happen! It just gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling...yeah not quite. So I have to be open minded and put my body in the hands of the skilled surgeons. Once the needle goes in and I fall into a deep sleep, I am no longer in control and I can let go. I will focus on the image of my family and the fact that hopefully when I wake up again all the cancer will be gone. You know this is the first time I have ever had actual anxiety over the operation itself - I am a surgical frequent flyer (words of my brother in law who is a doctor!) and have been through it all many times before. I have never worried about never waking up or of something going wrong. All I cared about was how much pain I would feel when I wake up. But it feels different today. This is not so routine all of sudden and there are so many unknowns. It makes me more afraid. I like plans and this one is just abit too vague for my liking.

When I think about all of this - it just makes me so angry that this happening. Why do I have to do this? Again? Did you that yesterday was my 2nd cancerversary - 2 years since I was first told I had cancer. When I wrote the entry last year marking this milestone last year, I never thought I would have to go through it again but here I am earning my 2nd survivor pin. I don´t want a frickin´pin - I want to be alive and healthy. I want to enjoy life. I don´t want cancer anywhere near me. Is that so much to ask for?

So this morning I kissed and hugged my daughter goodbye. It was so hard - I had to hold her extra close as I didn´t know when I would be able to cuddle and hold her like that again. It will take time for me to recover so I had to savour the moment. I will miss her so much. She doesn´t know where I will be but she knows I am with Pappa so I will be okay. And I told her she was going on holiday with her grandparents. I can tell her more when I see her again and when the worst is over. No need to cause her any undue stress or worry. I will keep her bright shining little face in my mind and the endless love I have for her in my heart to guide me through the next few days.

I hope to be able to update you all as soon as I am able to sit up and type on a keyboard as I am sure you will all be wondering how "Operation Bionic Woman" goes. But if you want to help at all - just send me some super hero powers and thoughts my way tomorrow morning. I know I will need them. I will continue to tell myself that I can do this, I am strong enough, and admitting how terrified I am is merely a sign of my bravery. Let´s do this.

Hugs from OBB