Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Wishing and hoping
This is my third attempt this week to write a blog entry. The creative juices just aren´t flowing this week. I feel blocked. I feel tired. I just don´t feel that inspired to be honest. My life is not all doom and gloom of course but I am just kinda hanging out in this limbo land again and I don´t like it. When I think about where I was 2 weeks ago today (1 day post recovery and in trememendous pain) and then how I felt one week ago (readmitted to hospital and throwing my guts up), I am miles ahead and have improved so much. I can do lots more and actually feel that I am able to contribute in some way. It has also been so lovely having my mother here to look after me. I don´t know what I would have done had i been home all alone. Perhaps starved? Her mission is to feed me and get some meat on my bones and she has succeeded. I have an appetite again and ice cream is definitely back on the agenda. I also love the company and the fact I have someone here to talk to and be with. And there is this effortlessness that comes along with being with family. We never get too old to be looked after by our mothers do we?
Recovery wise it is a slow road my people. The surgeons warned me it would be unpredictable and I have not been disappointed. I had an especially bad day today and the pain just spiked. I felt like I was 5 steps back from where I was yesterday. Nothing could take it away and my softest tshirt felt like sandpaper on my skin (the joys of nerve pain my friends). I also keep having these nightmares that started after the operation. All the dreams focus around me being unable to breath - either through choking or water. I wake up out of breath and afraid. Only the stillness of the night surrounds me as I try to shake off my anxiety and get back to sleep.
I took a trip to C-Town today to see my oncologist (not the one I have written so much about but my head honcho one who runs the show down there). He is extremely good at what he does but he scares me. I am not sure why as he is quite lovely and pleasant. I am always afraid of what he will say and feel that there is no way i could totally lose it in front of him. I am always terrifyingly calm and put together when i see him...maybe he sees the cracks I try so hard not to show? Well unfortunately my pathology results (tests to confirm all the cancer was removed and the margins were clear) are not ready and we most likely wont know anything until after Easter. If you are not Norwegian - Norway shuts down for the entire week leading up to Easter including your neighborhood pathology lab. More waiting for me and after our chat regarding all possible outcomes, I don´t feel quite out of the woods. The goal posts seem to move constantly and I can´t keep up. I want it all to be over and I don´t want to worry anymore. I know I wax lyrical about how uncertainty is just an essential part of the cancer experience that you have to accept but god some days it sucks! My body is oh so tired of all this and I don´t have any more parts left to give. I have already lost two breasts, some ribs, some sternum, muscle, nerve, and my peace of mind. Before this recent setback occured, I was trying so hard to live life in the future and not be afraid to think long term. It wasn´t easy to think this way after having cancer. I remember booking that trip to Canada in January thinking - what the hell I will be fine let´s do it. And now I am 2 days away from what would have been our departure date and I am stuck in this cancergatory. We had to cancel it because cancer got in the way. I don´t want to have to continue second guessing decisions and wondering how I will be next month, next summer or next year. I want to close my eyes and jump off that cliff with not a worry in the world. But there are results to return, scans to schedule and appointments to make. Did you know I get nearly bi weekly letters from the hospital summoning me in to see this doctor, that specialist etc...And I am not exaggerating. We also got the keys to our new house over the weekend which was both exciting and terrifying. It all happened rather quickly at the same time that we found out I was sick again and I worried whether this was the right time. But my mother in law gave me sound advice and told me we couldn´t keep living life on pause mode. We had to start living and building our life again. We couldn´t wait around for everything to be just right or else we would be most likely waiting forever. I guess life doesnt wait for us or anyone. We also have to be willing participants. So we did it and you know what? If something doesn´t work, there is always some way out. I just don´t want to waste any more time waiting...
I wanted to make a special mention of how kick ass team OBB has been the last few weeks and months. The comments, the messages, the flowers, the gifts, the cards and the positive thoughts. With all of you around me, it is difficult to ever feel alone and I am astounded by the infinite amount of kindness that exists in the world and more specially within my circle of people. Opening the newspaper or turning on the tv, it is so easy to think that there is so much bad out there but I have been reminded of how much good there is too. I have been on the receiving end of it time and time again and for that I am lucky. So thank you.