Saturday, March 9, 2013
I Did It
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” - Khalil Gibran
I am finally checking in with everyone who follows the adventures of OBB. The keys are not being stroked as fluidly as before and I am strugggling sometimes to find the right word. The brain is slower, the body more fragile. But writing means that I am coming back faster and that the worst is over. I am now a whole 6 days post operative and I am managing well. I actually have enough energy to be bored of the hospital and its food of course which is a fantastic sign. But I have found that the recovery process is very unpredicable as I can feel one moment like I could most definitely go home and then a bad pain cycle rises up and I am reminded why it is best to be here.
So what happened? Well things went according to plan and there were no surprises which was definitely a good thing. They didnt take as much of some parts but more of others so all in all I am structurally sound now. I do have to say that the first night was one of the worst in my life. I was in so much pain and nothing seemed to take it away but instead pulled me into this crazy state of total confusion and drug haziness. I actually remember thinking I was in London. The nurses came in and out of my room constantly trying to give me some relief but there was none to be had. But when the sun started to rise, some of the pain let up. I discovered sitting was a far less painful exercise then lying down. I was then transferred to the medium level ward and was again very well looked after. Lots of pain killers and someone always there to help me move or sip a drink. After the first few days, things really started to get better for me. But the thing about this kind of surgery is that you can feel really good and then BAM! You feel like that darn bull kicked you smack dab in the sternum again. Because that is what it feels like - like a china doll who has been all smashed up. But out of all this pain and crappiness also comes relief. They took everything and then some and sampled everywhere and everything. The surgeons feel confident that the cancer has been removed. I am lucky. And you know what? My surgeon looked like he had stepped off the surf beaches of Sydney - definitely a smooth operator who my oncologist informs me is the new poster boy of thoracic surgery. So I was definitely in good hands. Now I have two more days in hospital before I can go home to my own bed. Being home will be nice and having my things around me will make me feel less like a patient and more like me. There will be a slow recovery that will require me to patient and not push myself too hard - neither of my strongest points. I wont be able to everything I want to do and I will need to learn to accept that...at least for right now. I also will see my daughter again who I miss so much. She came to visit briefly on Thursday and it was so wonderful to see her delightful face but it was so hard to not be able to pick her up and cuddle her as close as could be. She entertained herself by pushing me around in my wheelchair. WHen I told her that I couldn´t come home yet with them, her little face got sad and her eyes teared up and these big silent tears started to fall down her cheeks. God it nearly broke me. SHe understands so much but at the same time so little. When I went back to my lonely hospital bed, I just cried. So I look forward to being with her again - my little angel.
I also think Mr OBB deserves a pretty big round of applause as he has been by my side every step of the way. It is not easy just watching the person you love the most suffer and be unable to do nothing to take that pain away. But just knowing he was there eased some of my pain. It reminds me time and time again how precious he is to me.
Where do we go from here? Well I spend the following weeks recovering and I will also wait to get all the results back from everything they removed. I am hopeful we wont run into any more surprises. My nerves just honestly can´t take anymore curveballs. I feel tired this time. I remember writing a month earlier about how much the previous operation had wiped me out - but this time I feel really broken. It will take time to rebuild me and find all the pieces again. And I will need to learn to live with that dark shadow that I cannot seem to shake. Uncertainty. We have again done everything we can do to fight this monster. Now it is time to put our swords down, rest and hope against everything that we have won.
I want to thank all of you for the massive amounts of support you have given to me and my family during the last few weeks. It really matters and makes a difference. I kept telling myself everyday this week - Ok I need to get better so I can write an entry to let everyone know that I am ok. So here it is - perhaps not my most eloquent or thought provoking piece but an update all the same. Please everyone enjoy your weekend and make the most of each moment. Forgive those who need to be forgiven, tell those you love that they are loved, buy that amazing dress if it makes you feel beautiful, give someone a hug just because, and just appreciate the fact that you are living. Life is far from perfect and we all carry our own baggage and pain that can seem to much at times, but it is what it is so just remember to breath in and out (even if it hurts sometimes).