Sunday, June 23, 2013

Moments of Weakness


This week has been tough. No way to sugar coat or spin it in a positive way. I hit a new low.

So after trying twice to get chemo and not being allowed due to low blood counts, I managed to get it done Monday. But I think the emotional and physical toll of preparing myself day after day to do it took that much more out of my reserves and boy did I feel it. It was just me and the captain this week as the man and monkey were on holiday. In some ways it was good they weren´t here to witness my demise but I also think that I didn´t have the usual distraction that I have when they are here. All I could focus on was how god damn awful i felt and I felt AWFUL! This week I finally understood why people reject treatment. I remember watching cancer specials on TV and being in total shock when people rejected treatment following a relapse. How could they give up? How could they say no? It made absolutely no sense to me. But yesterday when I was on day 6 of feeling like sheer hell, I sent a text to my unofficial doctor - Dr Sunshine. It said " I don´t think i can do this again. I have nothing left." She literally phoned me within 30 seconds of my sending the text and I  couldn´t even get words out as I was crying. Being able to have a cancer specialist on call like this who also gets me is invaluable and it helped talk me back from the ledge yesterday. Because I didnt want to go through this again and even though i have only one left, I can´t imagine being able to get through even "only one" right now. I have a new perspective on "quality of life" and the importance of it. But I am pleased to report that after our conversation, I felt slightly better and she reminded me why I was doing this and that right now everything feels so very dark but that there is light. Somewhere down this deep hole, it is there - I promise she says.

Today I have woken feeling better then yesterday. I managed to put on jeans today instead of track pants which I take as a huge sign that things are getting better. I am trying to look ahead and know that with every day, I will feel better. I really can´t think about the next round or what comes after that. It just isn´t helpful. I think things go minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day in this marathon. My focus now is to recover from the last round and nothing else. I think in some ways my body and mind protects me by forgetting how bad each one has been. The lines blur between what was worse and why. Call it selective memory or call is survival.

So I will enjoy having my family back with me and the welcome distractions it brings. I will focus on tomorrow being better then today. That is all I can do...take it one step at a time.

But cancer sucks. I hate it.

OBB

9 comments:

  1. Yes, cancer sucks! It think it's a good thing to focus on one day at the time. And when it's time for the next round of chemo, you'll feel better and more prepared to handle it. I'm glad you have your mum around. That always helps:)

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    1. Thanks for checking in Anniken. I just caught up with your own recent struggles and hope you are feeling better now too. And can enjoy some summer holidays. Now if only the rain would stop! xxx

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  2. dear kate,

    with what hellishness you have been through, you still amaze me with your willingness to seek out some kind of answer to find the will to go on. thank goodness for having the smarts to reach dr. sunshine and being able to reaffirm your resolve - to take it as it comes and to WIEld control over what you are ABLE to. concentrating on getting better for the next round and not projecting the results. I am inspired and awed at your determination to set your focus on one day at a time. it ain't easy, but it's well worth the effort.

    sending you love and light to guide you,

    love, XOXO

    Karen, TC

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind and touching words. It always so odd to think about the impact your words have on people and I am amazed that I am able to have such an impact. You inspire me too Karen and your seemingly endless amounts of support and empathy. You have your own struggles and losses to deal with yet you are always here for me...and our community. xxx

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  3. Needless to say, chemo treatment is awful, no cancer patient would want to go through such a terrible path. However, believing that it will bring you a new life,do consent to it calmly, if not peacefully. We all understand how much pain and suffering you are going through, our thoughts are with you everyday. You've conquered 3 already, only 1 more to dare. Gather all your might and will power, stick to your focus and recover from the last round, nothing else but simply looking forward to surviving it. With your family coming back now, you will have better strength and hope. Do it for them, but most of all, do it for yourself. Your love will help you conquer. Be not afraid! You will win!
    Hugs and prayers

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    1. I know - I am almost there. Just seems like every round is its own marathon. It was lovely having my mom here and I think it helped her deal with this nightmare better by actually being here with me. All she wants is to make things better for her little girl and she did achieve that. Now I need to not face Monday with terror (well perhaps its impossible to not be terrified) but I will keep my eye on the prize. xxx

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  4. Dear OBB, I'm so sorry you have been suffering so! It's important to share how awful what you are going through is and I'm so impressed you were able to get a post out despite how terrible you are feeling! Please know: You are not alone. I'm so glad your doc speed-dialed you. We all need just one doctor who gets us!

    FYI: There is a lot of support on Twitter in the #BCSM (breast cancer social media) community. You can pop on Twitter at any hour and with that has tag, you'll find others around the world who will respond. It's awesome. Maybe ask a friend who already tweets to come over one day and distract you with it! (they also have a blog here: http://www.bcsmcommunity.org/blog/)

    Please lean on friends and family to help you get through your last round of treatment. Ask for more help than you think you'll need. :-)
    {{{hugs!}}}
    xoxoxo

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    1. Hi Renn. So nice to hear from you and thank for sharing in my misery. Misery loves company right? :) I am twitter illiterate. I have an account but am not sure how it all works. I will try and ask my husband to show me the way. Always up for more support and to chat with those walking the same walk. I will look into this more. Thanks for looking out for me. xxx

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  5. *hashtag* not has tag! Sorry!

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