Friday, April 5, 2013
A Very Bad Day
“Life has many ways of testing a person's will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.” Paulo Coelho, The Winner Stands Alone
Today I had a very bad day. I really try and not use many profanities on this blog because I am a mom after all but today justifies the use of - what a fucking horrific day!!! God where do we start?
I woke up really tired, more then normal, and dragged myself out of bed to start the day. I went through the usual morning routine with my daughter and we were soon on our way to daycare. I then carried on to visit a friend. A few moments after I walked in and sat down cooing at her baby daughter, my phone rang. I handed her the baby and knew it was "the call." My doctor started the conversation in Norwegian which I was fine with. He asked me about my pain and how I was doing with it. I talked candidly and of course put a joke in here and there. Then the tone shifted suddenly. He said (in Norwegian of course) "Well the pathology results have come back and they have found more cancer cells. They found two more tumours and other additional cells attached to some structures. It means we need to do chemo." I literally lost all ability to understand Norwegian at that point in the conversation. I remember asking him "So you are completely sure I need it?" He responded yes and told me he had ordered a new PET scan for next week to rule out any new tumors. I was still oddly calm at this point but the crushing weight on my chest and accelerated pulse were noticeable only to me. He told me about the drug I would be taking (Cisplatin - AKA Platinum chemo) and its side effects. Guess what? They suck. If you go back in time to my earlier entries about my first experiences at the C-spa and how awful they were - well it looks like I have a second reservation there. All the fun feelings of nausea, vomiting, immune suppression, kidney damage, and other warped things are part of the Platinum package folks. It was so hard to take all of the information in - impossible actually. And do you know what one of my first thoughts was? Ohmigod I am going to have to lose my hair again! I had just gotten it to a length where I could make a cute ponytail and now I would have to shave it again and spend my summer bald. Not to mention looking like a sick cancer patient. What a bummer.
He told me he would be in touch after my PET for a proper sit down and strategy meeting and that we would need to start chemo fairly quickly (i.e: 2 or so weeks from now). I actually told him "thank you" as I got off the phone. What was I really thanking him for? For confirming another nightmare? I am sometimes just too polite - maybe it´s the Canadian in me. I felt so numb afterwards...no emotions, no tears, nothing. My friend was shocked when I told her what had happened as from the tone and words she heard, she thought everything was fine. But things are so unbelievaly far from fine. I am so tired and my body is so worn out. How will I get through another round of this poison hell? I know I will do it but it still sucks to the umpteenth degree. I am so angry and can´t believe how unfair all of this cancer business is. And yes I know how cancer is unfair but this just takes the cake. It ruins everything! I feel like everytime I am dealt the worst, the cancer steals some of my hope away. I am battle worn C-veteran now, fighting it for the third time and how can I not be scared to hell when my enemy keeps coming back? I am getting so tired of it and I just want it to leave me alone. I have so many other things I want to do and my little family deserves some fun. But again our summer will be spent doing battle against the uber sized Bitch. And you know it isn´t just me suffering? Everyone in my life suffers too in their own way. I think of my beautiful daughter who will now understand much more about momma´s cancer journey. And I don´t want her to have to know about it. I don´t want her holidays ruined by my treatment or operations. I want to be free of this beast but I can´t seem to cut the chains. I really don´t know what else to say tonight as I feel so beyond exhausted and empty. What I want is a moment when all of this stops and I can forget about it. It just seems so hard to see the light right now when there are so many clouds blocking the sun.
So I am allowing myself to be as negative as I want to be today because I can. Tomorrow will be a new day and the super hero will rise again.