Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Drawing Battle Plans
So we are a few days since the C bomb hit again and where exactly am I? Well I think I still marooned somewhere between shock and denial. I still have yet to shed a tear over the news but I am feeling a whole spectrum of emotions and feelings. Firstly I have been so tired - having nightmares most nights and waking each morning feeling so tired that I feel ill. It scares me to feel this way because it reminds me of what is to come. Secondly I have been so bloody mad. I get mad at everything - how I am too cold in the house my husband finds too warm, at the person who got stuck in the intersection and made me miss my green light and just silly things like how crap this is all going to be. I have been looking at myself alot in the mirror and looking really hard at this person I can see. I take in the length of my hair, my shapely eyebrows and long mascara extended eyelashes - all things that will disapear in a few weeks. The brightness of my face and the healthy colour of my skin - all signs of my youth which also, like all the hairs on my body will slip away. Of course none of this will be permanent - it will maybe be more like the way winter comes in and kills everything but then when spring arrives and everything comes back. But I just don´t want to do it again. I got the tshirt thank you very much and the horrific memories. And let me tell you - shaving your head once is thrilling but twice? Completely unneccesary. I have to start thinking about wigs and head scarves again. Am I going blonde? Bobbing it? Wearing more scarves this time? So many things to think about. Last time I had about two months to process and prepare for the C-spa experience and boy do you need it. Doing chemo is like going to war and you cannot go in without your arsenal. Aside from the obvious hair challenges - I need eyebrow pencils, hats, summer clothes to shield my sensitive chemo skin from the sun, hypoallergenic products, comfy clothes, and foods I hope will go down easy, And you need to get your teeth cleaned, get a manicure and pedicure (this is all due to risk of infection during treatment), and then there is the whole mental aspect of it. I feel like I was so much stronger last time and had the time and energy to do my yoga, visit my acupuncturist regularly, practice mindfulness, do physio and just relax. And I was much more naive the first time. I remember telling myself that this would be the first and last time I would ever do this. Oh how life fucks you over sometimes? Now I wasn´t sure whether being an experienced chemo veteran would help me out. Sometimes not knowing can be better and of course you are terrified but you are still optimistic and hopeful. Now I am battle worn and know what a total hellstorm this can be so I am again terrified and also know what it will be like. But like a dear friend said to me a few days ago - You need to welcome this poison into your body because it will save your life. You cannot hate it. You have to love it because it is the best weapon i have got against my enemy. Interesting concept really and I do see the point of it and the power of positive thinking. But I still secretly hate it. And the more I read about the scarier it gets. Apparently many people nickname it - "Sickplatin" which I am sure I dont need to explain further. I guess we will just need to see how I respond and if it sucks, I will do what I did last time and count out how many actual days through the whole process I will feel horrific. It was 14 last time in the first 3 months which is manageable I guess. Everything is manegeable if you break it down into itty bitty parts. Time to get just that much tougher. Bring on the poison and let´s save a life along the way. And at the end of the day, I want to do nothing more then fight like hell to be here...for a long time.
So I am still waiting for my PET scan day which is imminent. I am scared of that too and don´t want any more surprises. I have had more then enough for quite a long time thank you very much. So right now i am spending my time buying lots of toys for my daughter, enjoying our new home and trying to just be with the people I love. We are hoping to go on a holiday in the sun before my treatment begins because I need to. Delaying it a week wont kill me but not having a break and enjoying myself, might actually so we need to do it. And considering stupid cancer already caused us to cancel our Canada trip and now will exclude me from our Turkey trip in June, we need to do something fun as a family. My doctor actually thought it was a great idea. So lets hope it happens because I am freezing! Norway has not heard that it is Spring as there is still snow on the ground and sub zero temperatures.
Love to everyone and thank you so much for holding me up when things appeared very bleak.