Friday, April 5, 2013

A Very Bad Day


“Life has many ways of testing a person's will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.” Paulo Coelho, The Winner Stands Alone

Today I had a very bad day. I really try and not use many profanities on this blog because I am a mom after all but today justifies the use of - what a fucking horrific day!!! God where do we start?

I woke up really tired, more then normal, and dragged myself out of bed to start the day. I went through the usual morning routine with my daughter and we were soon on our way to daycare. I then carried on to visit a friend. A few moments after I walked in and sat down cooing at her baby daughter, my phone rang. I handed her the baby and knew it was "the call." My doctor started the conversation in Norwegian which I was fine with. He asked me about my pain and how I was doing with it. I talked candidly and of course put a joke in here and there. Then the tone shifted suddenly. He said (in Norwegian of course) "Well the pathology results have come back and they have found more cancer cells. They found two more tumours and other additional cells attached to some structures. It means we need to do chemo." I literally lost all ability to understand Norwegian at that point in the conversation. I remember asking him "So you are completely sure I need it?" He responded yes and told me he had ordered a new PET scan for next week to rule out any new tumors. I was still oddly calm at this point but the crushing weight on my chest and accelerated pulse were noticeable only to me. He told me about the drug I would be taking (Cisplatin - AKA Platinum chemo) and its side effects. Guess what? They suck. If you go back in time to my earlier entries about my first experiences at the C-spa and how awful they were -  well it looks like I have a second reservation there. All the fun feelings of nausea, vomiting, immune suppression, kidney damage, and other warped things are part of the Platinum package folks. It was so hard to take all of the information in - impossible actually. And do you know what one of my first thoughts was? Ohmigod I am going to have to lose my hair again! I had just gotten it to a length where I could make a cute ponytail and now I would have to shave it again and spend my summer bald. Not to mention looking like a sick cancer patient. What a bummer.

He told me he would be in touch after my PET for a proper sit down and strategy meeting and that we would need to start chemo fairly quickly (i.e: 2 or so weeks from now). I actually told him "thank you" as I got off the phone. What was I really thanking him for? For confirming another nightmare?  I am sometimes just too polite - maybe it´s the Canadian in me. I felt so numb afterwards...no emotions, no tears, nothing. My friend was shocked when I told her what had happened as from the tone and words she heard, she thought everything was fine. But things are so unbelievaly far from fine. I am so tired and my body is so worn out. How will I get through another round of this poison hell? I know I will do it but it still sucks to the umpteenth degree. I am so angry and can´t believe how unfair all of this cancer business is. And yes I know how cancer is unfair  but this just takes the cake. It ruins everything! I feel like everytime I am dealt the worst, the cancer steals some of my hope away. I am battle worn C-veteran now, fighting it for the third time and how can I not be scared to hell when my enemy keeps coming back? I am getting so tired of it and I just want it to leave me alone. I have so many other things I want to do and my little family deserves some fun. But again our summer will be spent doing battle against the uber sized Bitch. And you know it isn´t just me suffering? Everyone in my life suffers too in their own way. I think of my beautiful daughter who will now understand much more about momma´s cancer journey. And I don´t want her to have to know about it. I don´t want her holidays ruined by my treatment or operations. I want to be free of this beast but I can´t seem to cut the chains. I really don´t know what else to say tonight as I feel so beyond exhausted and empty. What I want is a moment when all of this stops and I can forget about it. It just seems so hard to see the light right now when there are so many clouds blocking the sun.
So I am allowing myself to be as negative as I want to be today because I can. Tomorrow will be a new day and the super hero will rise again.

OBB

16 comments:

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    1. I love u too. We will and can do this...together. xx

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  2. So so sorry. I am just writing because I feel the need to do so but knowing there is nothing meaningful I can say as a stranger who reads your blog.

    Vent and cry for a day, a week. Afterwards you will find the strength to face the enemy and friend - chemo. As you did Before.

    Also, at this time it is a good thing, to see how others endure times like these. The other cancer battling young mothers and wives. Only people in such positions (e.g. http://lisabadams.com/) can provide useful support.

    The grace of your God be with you.

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    1. Steff, I am so happy you decided to comment and it makes no difference if we are old friends or new blog friends. All the words matter to me and I read them all so I thank you for sharing. And I will check out the blog you listed. Being young with breast cancer - you are part of a small group so the more we can rally together for each other the better. Thank u again Steff. :)

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  3. dear kate,

    there are no words to express how terribly sorry we are at the news you received today. you aren't being negative - you are being human, one who has been through so, so much.
    stupid, dumb, fucking cancer - those words are mild compared to what that miserable beast has done to rock your world - AGAIN!- the sneaky bastard. i wish hugh and i could reach through the screen and give you a long (gentle) hug. we know you must be flooded with so many emotions as the numbness wears off. take refuge in the arms of your darling mr. obb, and your precious little girl. and know that hugh and i are sending you our love, and deeply "believing" that you WILL see and feel the light to give you the power and strength to do what needs to be done. we are here for you, we have your back, and we are never, ever stopping being your fearless friends.

    much love and all the light we can send you,

    hugh and karen (TC) sutherland

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    1. So glad we can swear on blogs and there isnt any censorship! There is always a time and place to really let em´rip. I so appreciate your continued support to me and my family through this journey. We hit a real bump in the road but we will get back up and dust ourselves off. But know it is people like you two who help perk me up when things get low. Love to u and Hugh x

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  4. The ship has sailed into treacherous waters again. Where is the Lord to still the waters and quell the fears?
    I can only remind you on this very bad day, you are now a seasoned sailor and your crew will do anything to help you. Rescue is possible but much effort and courage is needed... again. Facing all the treatment of the C Spa surely would make anyone battle weary. I am so sorry you have to face this again. I pray for the strength and support to hold you up and and for Hope to encircle you. We also like your jokes out here. Please take the best possible care of yourself. Losing your hair again is a true bummer, especially at your age, but fortunately it is a renewable resource. I will continue to remain close by as you wage the chemo battle and you have all my love and support... Loving hug ....

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    1. Oh Captain my captain. :) Cant believe u were here such a short time ago and now this shitstorm has hit. I look forward to u coming back and forcing me to eat again!! We will get through this together as a family but boy do I wish we could have just settled for a family vacation in the sun. So it is back to C-Spa again to show myself how tough I can be...again. Love u mom xxx

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  5. Hey Katie, so sorry to see your latest news. I'm sure if you face it with the same courage you have shown so far you will come through the other side of this. Be lovely to catch up on the phone some time in the next few weeks and maybe get that weekend in Oslo once your better. The office is just not the same without you and I have had need for my afternoon drinking buddy - another life... David xx

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    1. Oh Mr Hurrell. So nice to see your name pop up here and I really appreciate the support. Thinking back to the old days seem like a lifetime ago but they were so much fun. We had some good laughs didnt we? It was another life though...funny how things can twist and turn and in an instant life is so utterly different. Hugs from your dry cleaning partner in crime :)

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  6. Hey Kate,
    This is Haneefa from QAA, Jess Fahmy told me about your blog. You have me here in tears. I just want to give you a huge hug through the computer screen. I know that you will fight this, you are in my prayers.

    Xoxox,

    Haneefa

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    1. Oh Haneefa. I have such fond memories of you. I think u and always managed to have a chat and a laugh most days. You had such a presence which I am sure has helped you find success in the adultworld. :) Thanks for following and joining the fight. Kate x

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  7. Kate,
    I'm so sorry to hear of the latest bad news. I have been following your blog for quite some time now and was really really wanting this fight to be over for you. You have more than earned it and flat our deserve it. As a Mom too, I don't swear often but bloody hell fucking cancer, go away already! Know that there are so many people supporting you and fighting this with you. We're all here for you. Much love and hugs xx
    Andrea

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  8. Oh my dear Kate,

    My heart sank heavily as I hear this sad news. I am just so terribly sorry that you have to face it again! There is absolutely nothing I can utter now to alleviate your pain except to let you know that I am hodling you close to my heart, sharing your extreme anger,disappointment and pain... I hope you understand, we are with you in this tracherous battle.

    Be assured of my everyday prayer for you, God will quench your fear and give you new strength! Your medical team and loved ones will do anything to support and help you. Facing the treatment of chemo and losing your hair again is disgusting, but you have conquered it before, and you will win it again for sure ... Please take good care of yourself.

    Hugs and Blessings!

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  9. Kate, I am SO sad to read that. =( I'm thinking of you over here in California. Stay strong, OBB!

    --Rachel (Ticking Time Bombs)

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  10. Be as "negative" as you want to be. It's your right. Not like tumours are a positive anyway. We support you and will send positivity your way. Hugs to you and your family as your weary body and spirit start again...

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