“Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in.” Napoleon Bonaparte
Well today started out very promising indeed. I was walking with a spring in my step listening to a cool Coldplay tune after dropping my daughter off at daycare (she didn’t cry when I left for the first time ever) and was en route to my first of three C-related appointments. The first being the psychologist in C-Town which I was actually looking forward to. I had lots of things to get off my chest (many of which have been written about here) and it was comforting to know I could tell her anything and she wouldn’t be shocked or scared by my revelations.
I first met my Crink (my name for a cancer therapist) the day I was told my initial prognosis following all the tests so she has seen me on a bad day and she has indeed seen me cry. Today I bounded in looking healthy and energetic and started talking a mile a minute about how good I was feeling and dealing with things. I used all those positive words and rationalized the fears and negative thoughts I had. I think she was wondering at that point what I was doing here. Maybe I went there so show to myself that I was okay and I wanted to have this professional tell me the same thing. I have always been the type of person who needed positive reinforcement and liked having “cheerleader” types around me to celebrate the victories and pick me up through the losses. So my crink was my cheerleader in a way. Or maybe I was secretly showing off and demonstrating what a tough cancer b*&%h I am and that nobody, even cancer, puts baby in the corner!
Well what a flip as here I am hours later on the verge of tears and feeling like the weight of the next 12 months will literally crush me! How did I get here? I was so prepared and knew what was coming so why am I so deflated? I think knowing something is very different from actually being told the same information and being given an actual timeline. It makes it all too real again. I think I was half hoping maybe they realized I didn’t need a trip to C-spa and there had been a mistake. However the tour operator (AKA my oncologist) informed me today that my reservation on this magical nausea filled holiday begins next week. Next week! That is 7 days away. How am I supposed to be ready for this? How do I get everything done like cut my hair, buy my wig, go to the dentist, get silly drunk, and the list goes on…The truth is no one is ever going to be ready for their C-spa reservation and I am no exception. I remember when my partner and I fell pregnant and we were both of course scared and anxious. However I remember realizing that there would never actually be a perfectly convenient time for a baby nor would I ever totally be ready for one but you just need to go for it. I guess it is the same here. It is something I have to do in order to ensure I live a long and healthy life. I just wish I got a baby instead of baldness, nausea and fatigue at the end of it!
So I am still finding my breath after the wall of news hit me this morning and waiting for the lifeboat to fish me out of the sea of my own fears. And rest assured that boat will come probably in the shape of a big glass of Sancerre later this evening! However with every beginning comes an end and when this ends, I will be able to look back a year from now and be so proud of the way I got through it. And really what’s a year in an entire lifetime?